angoraphobic

On Long Journeys

2012-02-08T11:15:00.004-05:00

Expect delays.
Expect boredom.
Expect fatigue.
Expect a warm welcome at the end of the journey.
Do your best to enjoy the part between the beginning and the end.

On the Cape, Seeking Serenity

2012-01-23T15:14:00.002-05:00

Waves

Sunlight reflecting

Angry seagull - Why didn't you bring food?

Distant ships

Fishers, bikes, walkers

Peacocks in the trees, streets

Sand

Peace

Air

Breathe

So Much

2012-01-12T17:53:00.001-05:00

So much is going on, I'm not sure where to begin. I will tell you now that my emotions are torn in many directions at once, and I am writing my thoughts here for my own therapy; though if you really wish to read them, that's fine with me. Comments are not necessary - in spite of how I feel, I do still believe that everything will all work out in the end. For now, allow me some melodrama so I can get it out of my system.

In general, it seems that my spirit is that of a great sailing ship, one on which I could forge my way through the toughest seas on the worst of days, and choose my own course and destination. However, the life that my spirit is living keeps making me feel more like a fallen leaf, rushing through white water rapids without benefit of rudder or oars, or even a compass or map. If only I could either find the strength and tools with which to make my way, or a way to be content floating haphazard according to the whims of unseen forces. Ah well; if not in this life, perhaps in the next.

Dad has improved tremendously. For that I am relieved, grateful, even joyful. While I was assured his life was never really in danger as long as he was receiving medical care, his own response to his situation worried me and I could not help but have a small nagging doubt that I continually had to push away. He was very ill - bronchitis, cellulitis, a UTI, and his legs were swelled up like grotesquely overfilled sausages. He was in agony and he was helpless - and he was heavily drugged. When I saw him in that state, it was truly disconcerting to me. I have always viewed him as the conglomeration of every character the legendary John Wayne ever played - tough and stubborn and loving - a force to be reckoned with. When I witnessed his hallucinations from the opium, and I heard him crying out in pain; at those moments I would have offered my own life to save his if common sense didn't prevail. Fortunately, I was very well aware that giving up my life would have been an ill gift for him and for the whole family. I have more to say on that later. But for now, I will say again that I am grateful and relieved to see him moved to rehab and making great progress in regaining the use of his feet and legs.

I am currently facing (more) financial hardship - first due to lost hours at work because of the vertigo relapse, then the fact that I had only worked a 4.5 hour shift for this most recent paycheck. I have been feeling very frustrated by this situation and by feeling like I don't dare to increase my hours yet. At the same time, I have lived with January and Giles for over a year, when I was supposed to have achieved my massage license and traveled to Ghana with Yaw by Christmas of 2010. However, a wonderful surprise awaited me with that paycheck - I received a week of vacation pay, which greatly reduced that financial burden. Again, I am relieved and grateful. I still have to make some arrangements with my car loan, but it ins't nearly as bad as it was going to be. And as for massage, I do have that license now, and thanks to help from my parents, I am on the way to opening my own business. The first steps have been taken: from here, it's only a matter of time and effort. Like my father before me, I am amazingly stubborn.

Wonderful news came yesterday - January's daughter, Clara Rose was born! She is beautiful (of course) and has pipes to beat the band (my genes). There was concern that her respiration wasn't up to par by a certain time, so procedure called for her to go to NICU, but it is for observation to make sure she progresses as expected. She is expected to be released after about 48 hours. Seeing as how she's a couple of weeks early, a little extra caution is not unwarranted, though it's causing January and Giles some stress to be unable to bring her home. Again, common sense has prevailed, and in spite of a strong parental desire to stay super-glued to Clara's side, they both came home this morning and rested while I was at work, and returned to the hospital as soon as I got home.

So before you go thinking that I entertained even a moment of suicidal tendencies, I would like to expand on my comments above about offering my life to save my father. Truly, if I knew his life were in danger, and that it wouldn't cause a horrendous burden on my family, I would be willing to save him that way. But he would not have thanked me for it. Seeing the grief that I can only guess at and cannot truly comprehend that my friend has lived through after the loss of her daughter, I could never wish that pain on my father and mother. And it would burden him more to know that it was done to save him. My husband who loves me, and my sister to whom I am a best friend would feel as if I had deserted them. My niece and her family, along with the emotional pain, would be burdened with funeral arrangements and deciding what to do with all my stuff in their home. And someone would have to do something about my debts. (I think they'd rather keep the burden of having me in the house with them - aside from the familial love, I do give them help with Nixon and the housekeeping.) And my best friend, Mara, would be certain that I had forgotten that we are not actually Thelma and Louise, and that even if we were those two characters, they drove off the cliff together. It would be a terrible breach of etiquette if Louise drove off the cliff alone. Yes, Mara, that means you're Thelma. :-)

Why on earth would I go away and leave all these wonderful people to deal with the loss of someone they love? No. As I said, it wasn't a suicidal tendency that drove that thought - it was love of my father, and wanting to neither see him suffer, nor to lose him. There has only been one other occasion in my life where I felt that way - when I lost my baby, conceived barely days prior, and only a dream to tell me in advance that she was there (I always thought of the baby as a she). In the hospital, when they told me I was pregnant and she might be in the wrong place inside me (an ectopic pregnancy), I would have gladly given my life up if they could have found a way to put her in the right place and get her all the way to full term. I was inconsolable and unfairly angry when I woke from exploratory surgery to find that they had taken her, and it took me a while to forgive David, who had the horrible duty to make the decision to let them do it. But in the end he was right, of course. Save the mother because there's a chance she could have a baby later. Except I never did. Again, I have to say - if not in this life, perhaps in the next. But I am in no hurry to get to that next life with so much loving family and so much beauty in this world. I do still want to absorb as much as I can for as long as I can.

I can't even think up a list of songs to put as a soundtrack to play behind this. Even my usual, musically emotional train wreck playlist is inadequate to keep up with the twists and turns and sudden jolts that comprise my current emotional state. It's not PMS, believe me. It's just that there's been so much turmoil (both good and frightful) in such a very short time frame, that I don't feel like I've had the chance to breath out from one high emotion before the next one is on me. It will pass, I know. Things will settle down. My vertigo is all but gone, and I just have the afternoon fatigue to get past, so I will be able to work more. My business is almost to the fledgling stages and will start to grow soon. Yaw is still with me, and we take up every opportunity to spend time together. My family is alive, and if not completely well, they are improving every day. I just need to keep breathing. As long as I do that, everything will work out.

Careful...

2012-01-01T08:39:00.000-05:00

I really need to be more careful about how I state my desires and intentions. The universe keeps taking my words and fulfilling them in undesirable ways because I forget to add a positive spin to my statements.

Example: I have been missing my VA family terribly recently, partly because it's the holiday season and partly because it's just been too damn long since I've seen them all. January and I were discussing possible plans to visit everyone in March, once Clara is born and has "aged" a little. I mentioned that I intended to get there sooner than that if I could make it happen.

Well, I'm here now. Yep, January 1, 2012. I got here Friday (2 days ago) on a flight January and Giles paid for so I could be here with my Dad, who was in ICU at the time, and help take some of the burden off my sister, Ann, who has been handling everything to the best of her abilities. Dad has bronchitis, a UTI, and cellulitis. His legs were apparently improved from the level of swelling when he checked in, but were still looking pretty bad. He was also finally starting to cough up the green mucous from his lungs.

When I got here, the medical staff had changed Dad's pain medication. They had him on morphine, but that apparently makes him evil - imagine John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn on one of his less sociable days. So they switched him to opium. Opium. When I got here, Dad was never really lucid even when he responded to questions with semi-sensible answers. He was hallucinating, partly due to the opium, but also due to the infections running through his body and severe pain in his legs and along his right side. At any given moment he might be saying a perfectly normal sentence and suddenly start speaking to the smiley faces on the ceiling. He made several comments that made us think he was reliving war time in Korea or Vietnam. Not the kinds of things we would like for him to be reliving while doped up out of his mind.

But the good news is, he is now out of the ICU. He's been moved to the cardiology section because the doctors feel the swelling in his legs is possibly due to a heart issue. They've ordered an ECHO, but since this is New Year's Day (on a Sunday), we're not sure if it will happen on Monday or Tuesday. Either way, he'll be in the hospital until the results are back from that. Then there's a strong possibility of him spending time in rehab since he can't put weight on his feet and legs.

So, I'm here, but I really wish it was for happier reasons - like showing off January's new baby girl - which was going to happen in March, and they were going to bring me along. And if I'd just been patient...

I know. I don't control what happens to others, and it's not about me. But I still feel bad that it had to happen this way, so here's how I'm going to close this.

I want my Dad to be happy and healthy and back in his own home with happy and healthy family around him.

I love you, Dad.

It's Back

2011-12-05T11:05:00.001-05:00

I hesitated to state that: It's back. The vertigo is back. I had hoped it was just a short little relapse because I'd overworked myself a bit.

Seven days ago while I was at work, I started feeling a little fuzzy-headed. I thought it was just the usual thing that happens if I wait a little too long to eat; I thought it would go away after I had lunch. I had a good, satisfying lunch and went back to work, but it didn't go away.

I ended up leaving work three hours early. I hoped that I would be over it the next time I was scheduled to work (two days later), but I had to call out for that day. The next day, I attempted to go in because I didn't feel dizzy in the morning. It hit again as soon as business picked up and I had to be more on my toes. I lasted an hour and fifteen minutes that day. Not what I had hoped for.

The dizziness has gone up and down since then. Yesterday I did manage to work a few hours, but it was Sunday, which is pretty slow, and even then I had to take it really easy. By 2:00 when my shift was over, I was ready to come home and take a nap.

I have to keep working somehow, but my job is pretty hard on my body which causes me stress over my plans to start this mobile massage business. I've entertained the possibility that the vertigo is being triggered by stress. Other ideas I've entertained are shifts in weather patterns (seasonal changes), physical strain from certain types of movement, stiffness in my neck and shoulders, and deep inner ear infections (my ears occasionally pop like I'm on an airplane).

Each of these ideas has been entertained because there was something of the sort going on at one time or another while I suffered from vertigo. The reason I can't really seem to pin it on anything particular is that these conditions all also exist in varying degrees when I do not feel the effects of vertigo; and none of them are present every single time it shows up. The medical community, even the more specialized doctor I saw during that big long fiasco of the first appearance, is equally mystified as to the cause. "It could be this. We've seen it caused by this. There's no way it can be because of that." Mixed responses exist for the various possible causes of vertigo, depending on which doctor or medical organization is speaking.

I haven't visited a doctor for this recurrence. So far, I don't see the point. They're just going to run their tests and prescribe me the drugs that make me muzzy headed and force me to sleep more. Well, with the exception of last night, sleep is something I have definitely not been missing out on.

I have some exercises I found online which are supposed to help a person with vertigo maintain balance even when the vertigo is active. The overview states that they seem easy when you read the instructions, but when you factor in the mixed signals that happen in your brain while vertigo is doing its thing, they become much more difficult to complete. I have to say I agree with that. Oh boy. But I'm hopeful that they will work for me.

If not, I am completely out of ideas.

Nixon's Love

2011-12-02T17:01:00.001-05:00

Nixon and I had one of those moments this afternoon when I was given a reminder about why I love him so much, even though he's a devilish little imp most of the time. I was sitting on the couch feeling tired and dizzy (and tired of being dizzy) and asked him for a hug. At first he said no because he was too busy jumping on the couch (making me more dizzy), but after a few minutes he came over and said "Hug, Nana?". So I got my hug and he decided to hang around on my lap for a while, telling me about the fast dinosaurs coming through the trees. Then his face got very serious, like he was concentrating deeply on solving the world's problems. When I asked him what he was thinking about, he said "Trains. On a track." I smiled at him and he said, "No, Nana. Trains on a track." Then he smiled back and the whole world was filled with love and light.

All Growed Up

2011-11-26T19:36:00.001-05:00

I love being an adult because no one can tell me I'm not allowed to make my whole dinner out of a big pile of mashed potatoes covered in the left over cheese sauce from January's awesome homemade macaroni and cheese. I have a happy in my mouth and my tummy! :-)

2011-11-24T05:40:00.001-05:00

I dreamed almost a whole movie last night. I may have to write it. It looked like a good sci-fi idea, even if it only turns out to be the kind of B-movie my Sis and I like to watch together.

Heart

2011-11-23T11:43:00.001-05:00

It's a heart. Treasure it as if it were you own. That way, it's much more difficult to break it.

2011-11-15T05:41:00.001-05:00

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap111111.html

So, the link above actually helped me remember some of what I was thinking yesterday.

The main thing was, "Hey, I turn 45 in a few days." Does that bother me? Should that bother me?

Not on your life! Or mine for that matter. I have always said, and fully believe that our "age" is just a number. My body is somewhat older and a bit less cooperative, but my spirit remains young and strong.

So on one side, this birthday is a milestone (in my crazy youth, I never really expected to live this long). And on the other side, it's sort of just another day. I still want it to be special, because I'm me and I like special. But it isn't really all that big a deal. The photo in the link up there helped me remember why it's not really a big deal.

That's a galaxy, people. A GALAXY. And not the Milky Way galaxy, which is where our tiny little planet lives. M83 is about 15,000 light years from Earth. I'm not sure how hold M83 is, but our own galaxy is about 13 billion years old. 13,000,000,000. Nine zeros. After the 13.

So, how can I really be all that excited about turning 45 when there are things in this Universe which have been there so long that I can't even fathom their age?

But, hey. I still want to celebrate. Why not?

2011-11-15T05:35:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I had lots of big and little thoughts in my head. One of them was, "These thoughts are perfect to post on my blog."

However, I had quite the full day yesterday, and no time to sit and type those thoughts up.

So this is what you get instead. :-P

Goldfish Brain!

2011-11-05T17:36:00.002-05:00

Gotta be me. It's who I am.

2011-10-28T21:49:00.001-05:00

There's no point wondering how things would have been "if". They're not - because "if" didn't happen.

Or did it?

2011-10-25T14:34:00.001-05:00

Okay, world. Hard way it is. Watch your back.

2011-10-20T01:35:00.002-05:00

Sigh. It's 2:30 AM and awake but sleepy, and I'm missing you like crazy. My mind is running away - worrying, hoping, wanting you to be here to make it better, or just make it go away.

Or maybe, just wanting you to be here.

2011-10-19T08:19:00.001-05:00

Ah. There's that blue sky I was hoping to see.

Please and thank you.

2011-10-03T04:38:00.003-05:00

Got the license. Thank you.

Put in my first application, was called within 24 hours, had an interview, did a practical. They said, "We're doing your background check and we'll call you by Friday."

Friday passed. On Monday, I called to speak to the woman who interviewed me. She doesn't work Mondays, no offer to send me to voice mail. On Tuesday I called again. She had just stepped out of the office. I left a voice mail.

Another Friday passed, and I called and left another voice mail: Do you need more info? Something I can clarify for you?

It's Monday again, and I haven't heard back. I've started looking for the next option and putting in other applications.

I have a house picked out to rent, and an action plan to get the funds to make that happen. Just need a job and a letter showing my projected income. I have other places that interest me, if the house falls through.

I just want to get this life moving forward again, Universe, and would appreciate more help and less resistance. Please and thank you.

2011-09-19T15:03:00.000-05:00

Missing you. Loving you. Missing you more...

Massage License Call

2011-09-12T13:57:00.001-05:00

Today I had a conference call with the Florida Board of Massage Therapists to determine if my application for a Massage Therapy License would be approved. The call began promptly at 11 a.m. and I was released from the call at 1:36 p.m. (The call continued but my part was over.) The license was approved, which is what all my friends and family want to know, but I thought the call itself deserved a mention because of just what all happened in the 2 hours and 35 minutes leading up to that.

No, the Board did not spend all that time discussing just my application. The time spent on my application during the call amounted to less than a minute. Thankfully.

Here's a synopsis of what did come before me: The first "tab" as they called it was a decision whether to permanently revoke the license of a person who is currently serving out a 15 year sentence for sexual battery - on a client at the massage studio where he was working part time. They voted unanimously to revoke the license.

The second tab was to revisit a second-time appeal to a denied application for a person who had quite an interesting history in the massage world. The initial application was denied because it was discovered that the person had been practicing unlicensed, but represented herself as licensed. Further discussion showed that she had submitted more than one application, with conflicting information provided on crucial points. Also, she had worked in a massage establishment (not in Florida) with a known history of sexual misconduct. It was also disclosed that the school she attended was never actually a massage school at all. The Board unanimously voted to uphold their original decision. This decision was reached about 35 minutes into the call.

After this, the decisions and discussions became much more muddy. January joined me in the room to listen to what was going on, because it was all just crazy to me. For the next two hours, minus a 10-minute break, they debated back and forth over what seemed to be the same thing, but paused a couple of times for motions. I won't go into what this was about, but I will say it felt like I was listening to a verbal tennis match on acid. Then there was the one board member whose sole purpose in life seems to be to vote opposite of whatever everyone else says.

But there were a number of people who all benefited from the last of these debates because it resulted in the approval of several more applications based on the outcome of that one discussion.

Finally, they got to the easier cases. They said my name, I stated I was present, and they pulled up my file. As soon as the file was open, someone spoke up and moved to approve my application unencumbered. Two people immediately seconded, a vote followed and without pause was approved unanimously.

Hallelujah!

So, I am approved, and should have my license either later today or tomorrow. I'm guessing it will be tomorrow since the call was still in progress when I said "Thank you" and hung up.

Buster's Still Got It

2011-09-07T18:49:00.002-05:00

My car recently passed the 50,000 mile mark. I responded to this event with, "Crap. There goes my LTV." (Loan to Value)

I just checked my loan balance against a "Good" rating on kbb.com and was quite relieved to find that I still have a little wiggle room before my payments flip upside down.

I don't plan to sell my car any time soon, but would like for the value to stay above the loan balance for as long as possible. So all I can say right now is WHEW!

Grinch Has the Answer!

2011-09-05T11:53:00.002-05:00

I was just thinking, while waiting for my nail polish to dry. Because that's pretty much all you can do while waiting for nail polish to dry, unless you want everything around you to match your nails.

So what craziness was I thinking? Well, I'll tell you. My first husband, Dave had a tendency to want to limit how many and which people we hung around with, or became close friends with. Any time I made a new friend on my own, he disapproved, and actually asked me a few times why I felt like I needed more friends.

Being the (mostly) friendly and open person that I am, it is natural for me to start finding common interests and having deeper conversations with people whom I spend more than a little time around. Doing this tends to cause me to have a few friends with whom I am very close, rather than tons of friends who only touch the surface. While I still have lots of "surface" friends, I am very drawn to those who become close and want to communicate with them as much as we can manage.

Dave is a self-proclaimed "social dinosaur" who does not particularly wish to have more than one or two close friends, and everyone else falls into the group in which he "hates everybody equally."

I tried several times in our relationship to explain to him why I needed to be so friendly. I would reply that my heart was too small to have only him in it. I couldn't explain it clearly to him and usually resorted to the useless and (usually) untrue statement, "You wouldn't understand." Maybe he would have understand if I could just think of a way to express it clearly.

This morning I was thinking about how to explain that. I was actually thinking about the Grinch when it came to me. See, I knew the chorus was good for me in more ways than just a musical outlet! (We're singing a song from that movie this year.) You know how the story says that the Grinch's heart was too small? And how it grew and grew once he let himself be open to the love and joy of the residents of Whoville? That's it!

The heart, soul, spiritual being connects to other beings, and by doing so it gains depth; it expands further out into the universe, into the oneness that brings us all together. By staying remote and remaining only within in ourselves, we are not able to reach out into that oneness. We remain small and singular, and thus get all our love, joy, comfort, etc. only from within, or from whatever soul happens to be the only outside source.

So by saying that my heart was too small to only hold Dave in it, what I really meant was that I didn't want it to be only him and me in it. I wanted to somehow reach out into that connected oneness that is the whole spiritual universe that I knew existed. To do that, you have to open yourself up, let others in, and share yourself with others. That's how it works, and I really can't think of a better way to say it.

Grinch had the explanation all along, which is really ironic since Dave liked to be more Grinchy than anyone I knew. I wonder if he stepped out of that little shell and learned to share in the world around him? I hope so. It would be an awful waste if he didn't.

Perfect Timing

2011-09-04T09:01:00.003-05:00

At work the other day, a plumber had to come fix something for us. I hadn't seen him yet, but knew that someone was in the restaurant doing some work.

Some girls up in the counter area were having a discussion about the baby one of them is having. She is white, the daddy is black, and her nickname happens to be "Panda". Someone said that she was going to have a baby panda, too, because of the mixed races (1/2 black and 1/2 white). That comment was followed by someone putting out the old, worn out, "Once you go black, you'll never go back."

This, of course, set me off. I have had boyfriends, lovers and yes, even husbands throughout my life - relationships which were based, not on color or race or culture. These relationships were based on who that person was and who I was. (Except for Dennis, whom my parents forbade me to date during high school, because they didn't want me to be called a "nigger lover". Yes, really.)

So, my immediate reply was, "Wait just a minute. I am married to a black man, but that doesn't mean that if something happened, and I lost him, I wouldn't find myself with a white man, or some other race the next time around."

As I was finishing the sentence, I turned from the fry vat to walk over to the counter and finally looked up to see what was blocking my path. It was the plumber: a tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed mountain of yummy. And he was looking at me and smiling.

I don't often turn red in the face, except from physical exertion, but I'm pretty sure Santa would have looked pale next to me at that moment.

If all I looked for were physical beauty, he'd be it. But I also looked in his eyes, not just at them, and I'm sure from that and from a brief interaction later in the day, that he would have fit in my world somewhere if things ever came to that, not because of what he looks like, the color of his skin or any of that. Because the person I saw behind those eyes, and the person who spoke to me, felt like the kind of person with whom I can relate.

It could be that on further interaction I find this to be untrue, but that's not the point. The point is the person that I am is not just what people see physically - the 44-yr-old who is overweight and whose body is not happy with her current job. I am the person who loves nature, the world, space, who looks up at the sky and says, "There is my church!", and wants very badly to be back in the same home with her husband. You are the person who loves what you love, who believes what you believe, who desires what you desire, who works through your struggles.

We are WHO we are and not WHAT we are.

(And that guy was really yummy to look at.) ;-p

2011-08-09T18:38:00.000-05:00

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...

Conversation Overheard at a Restaurant - OR - The Red Lobster Story

2011-07-29T21:18:00.001-05:00

I was eating lunch today and overheard a conversation at the table behind me. It was interesting and I wanted to share it, but remember that these are someone else's words, not mine. I have no opinion on the final statement!

"So have you heard the Red Lobster story?"

"No, but I bet it's good knowing you."

"Well I was passing through [some city] Alabama on my way to Mississippi and we had to stop at a motel over night. We hadn't eaten all day and hadn't seen any places on the road we were on. We asked at the office and they said the nearest place was 4 miles away."

(Note that I don't know how they came to be without a car, but somehow or other they were at this motel without one.)

"(Some name) didn't want to walk 4 miles for dinner so she said to have a blast and bring her something back. We headed off through the woods in the general direction we were told to go. Coming out onto a road, I almost got run over by a tow truck. We decided to call the group that was ahead of us to see if they had reached it yet, and they said 'When you reach the burning car you're almost there.' "

General laughter follows.

"I was confused and asked if that was a bar near the restaurant and they said, 'No, it's an actual burning car.' We reached that point and sure enough there was a car, still burning, but pretty much down to just framework. Sitting right in the middle of the road."

"Alabama you said?"

"Yeah."

"See? I told you nothing good ever came out of Alabama."

2011-07-11T18:00:00.001-05:00

When I dream of you, and I wake to find you aren't really here, I miss you all the more.

Sigh.

Let It In

2011-06-14T19:59:00.002-05:00

Soft tears fall, rolling gently by.
As fears resurface, and bring some that are new.
Remembered hurts, better forgotten, better forgiven.
Remembered shame, sorrow, bitterness.
Better left long in the past.

What is coming next?
Is tomorrow any better? Worse?
Is the best I've seen really the best that will ever be?

Trying to remember better things.
Tomorrow is unknown, unknowable.
Tomorrow is promise, hope, happiness.
Reach out for tomorrow.
Reach out for light.
Know it is there.
Joy is there.
Love is there.
Love is here.
Reach out and accept it. Let it in.

Let it in.

And remember always to let it out, too.

A Not-So-Happy Anniversary Survived, and Other News

2011-05-27T04:19:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, May 26, was the one-year anniversary of my first episode of vertigo. I still have it, but it comes and goes now, and I've stopped taking the medication the doctor gave me - by force. I ran out, and without insurance I can't really afford to go back to him for more of it. I've saved about 5 pills for emergencies and that's it.

I've been off the meds for about two weeks. I had whittled down my use to only on days that I work, so I stretched it out as long as possible. I think that also made the transition to stopping them a little easier, though it was still pretty rough for the first week and a half. I seem to be stabilized now and feel normal most of the time again.

But what I'm really glad about is that I'm confident that the vertigo will stay at bay now as long as I watch for certain triggers. I know that too much time on the computer is still an issue for me. And suddenly changing the direction of my visual focus doesn't work out too great either, although that is quite a bit better than it was. I don't like watching movies or TV shows where they spin or jiggle the camera too much, and I am still staying away from roller coasters - for now. I truly hope to be able to return to that adventure some day, but I want to be off the meds for a good long time before I risk that again. And that really sucks, since I'm right here in Orlando, theme-park central! Grrrr.

I did some additional research on vertigo and learned that massage of the neck and shoulders has been found to be helpful for some patients. Interesting discovery. And I read this about the same time that Jennifer, my former anatomy instructor - now friend, and I worked out a deal for me to get massages from her every couple of weeks in exchange for her getting them when needed. Apparently I need a lot more work than she does. :-)

I have to say there's a noticeable difference in my overall state already and I've only had the first two massages. I knew I missed getting massaged after leaving school, but holy smokes! Jennifer is a skilled deep tissue therapist and also does energy work, so she and I go very well together in a massage room. Whichever one is on the table is getting a double whammy from the other, and it works out great. She is working out stresses and use issues (like standing on cement all day and looking up at an order screen) that I knew were there but had no idea how bad they had gotten. And as always, a good therapist will find issues you didn't know you had and help those too. And she does! :-)

With my licensing exam just around the corner, I've been very stressed and nervous, trying to keep all this info in my head (and stuff some forgotten tidbits back in there), not wanting to waste the money my sister and niece were so generous to give me for the purpose. The exam is this coming Wednesday. I know I should follow the advice I just gave to my step-daughter for her school exams: Study what you need to study, rest when you need to rest, and trust your instincts. At the moment I'm having a crazy instinct to run screaming into the hills.

So, that's the news for now. Once I have the exam under my belt, and I get my license, I have my eyes on a place to apply that actually employs the MT, and offers some benefits and a salary. I've been looking at them online for a while, and I spoke to someone in the office. I was going to get a massage, to see their process from the client side, but need to wait a little longer for the funds. The first one's a good deal - $39 for an hour. Their going rate is $70, I think. They do all the advertising and equip the rooms and such - I'm responsible for my own licensing and insurance. Guess I better start looking into that - need to know how much it's going to cost me.

Well That Was Fun

2011-04-30T12:15:00.002-05:00

Earlier today, I was sitting at the computer in the living room when Giles came in the front door. He took a look at me and stood transfixed with a blank expression (except for wide eyes) until January entered behind him. At this juncture, he changed his position only enough to extend one digit in my direction, continuing to gawk idiotically at me.

January spent a moment taking in the scene with slight grin on her face, then exclaimed, "Hey! Why does Nana have hijab? I want a hijab!"

Then, I went out because I had errands to run, still in the state in which January and Giles found me because I'm not done with this yet. I went to Publix to pick up coffee and creamer before I could run out and scare January again. I had to park at the back end of the lot and walk up to the building. At least two drivers nearly rammed other cars because they were looking at my head instead of using theirs. In Publix, I was greeted with friendly but confused expressions. People clearly weren't sure how to treat me.

What is this all about? It comes down to one simple thing, which not too long ago would have been assumed, rather than a change in religious beliefs. I had my hair up in clips and put a scarf on my head to keep it all covered up until I'm ready to take it down. January, I know was simply amused and was playing with me, which amused me.

Everyone else I encountered, not so much. To them, I say. Get over it. It's a scarf over rolled up hair. I'm not going to speak a foreign language at you or preach to you about what you consider to be a heathen god (even though it's really the same god, but I'm not going there right now).

To the cashier and bagger who assisted me, I say, "Way to keep up friendly and professional behavior." They behaved exactly the same as they did with the customers before me and after me and didn't give me crazy confused looks.

The adventure isn't exactly over yet, but at least I know what to expect when I drive over to Cocoa for today's Red Dress Run with BVDHHH. Of course, I'll be taking it down before the hash begins, but I'm sure a few people will see me before I reach that point. Or maybe I'll leave it on as part of my outfit... On-On with a Hijab-On!

April Fool All Day

2011-04-02T12:38:00.001-05:00

Today's energy was really weird and not very good for a lot of people. For me, it started with discovering a major road on the way to work was blocked off because there had been a shootout and an officer was shot and someone (not the officer?) died. Then, while that was still going on, some guy got himself arrested by the cops working the blocked intersection, and was laid out on the road with handcuffs with more cops called to the scene to assist - I'm not sure why they were needed except to cart they guy off to jail, but apparently it takes 5 more cars and all those extra bodies to carry one guy away. I have no idea what caused the arrest.

Work itself was very challenging today, not just because it was a long shift. It was a long shift where most of our equipment was barely limping along and the place was very crowded with customers. Thankfully, very few of those customers got upset at us, understanding that things had gone awry due to having lost power for 12 hours yesterday during a thunderstorm. I have to say, though, that the owner's wife and I should be awarded medals for keeping up with the flow of customers in spite of everything. We gave each other a High-5 at the end of the day and joked about finding a happy hour involving lots of martinis and chocolate chip cookies. So at least it ended well. ;-)

Smile for the Day

2011-03-28T16:51:00.002-05:00

I had occasion to smile at a young boy in my line at work the other day. I would have smiled at him anyway; that's just part of good customer service. But I think even if I had been disinclined to deliver the sparkly-eyed smile that customers typically get from me, I would have smiled at this little boy.

He was very bubbly and excited about something other than getting a happy meal with a toy. I asked why he was so happy and he said (eyes huge like saucers), "I went to the doctor today and he gave me a Spider-Man sticker!"

I smiled the rest of day each time I thought about that little boy.

I'll take a customer like that any day.

A Quiet Love

2011-03-13T11:25:00.002-05:00

I feel a deep and quiet love
that reaches out to you.
I send this love to heal your hurts,
your sorrows and your fears.
Grief will come to you,
but perhaps I can ease it.
Sorrow and pain will be
evident at every turn,
But perhaps I can keep them
at bay for a while.
I will send you love;
I will send you healing.
I will send you hope for
recovery and, in time, the return of joy.
Your ancient and modern
world will continue to shine;
You will continue to show us all
what it is to be beautiful and strong.

Peace.

2011-02-16T20:59:00.002-05:00

I've decided to re-ignite some of my inner fire. I've gone too long without a musical outlet, so I've been looking up local community-based choirs. I'm going to try to join one and see if it helps pull me out of my funk.

2011-01-30T19:37:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure where all my friends got the impression that I'm OK with being alone all the time. It's extremely untrue. Especially right now.

I'm not strong right now. I'm not happy right now. I'm not feeling like being alone is a good thing for me right now. And yes, I know that I'm not really alone - I have my niece and her husband and her son, and they do wonderful things to help me. And I appreciate every single bit of it. And there's that whole Universe thing out there.

That's not what I mean. I don't know if I can really express what I mean. I just feel like I've been forgotten by people who used to be such a big part of my life. I don't expect everyone in my world to put me at the top of their list - I don't even expect my closest friend to put me at the top of her list - or anywhere on it if they don't want to. But I would think that someone who used to say I was like a sister would make a little effort when it's clear that I really want some face time before that option is gone. So maybe I'm not so much like a sister anymore.

Just so everyone knows, I am not the loner people seem to think I am. I love people and I need my friends to remember me, even if they can't get out to see me. Just a few words. "Hey, I'm thinking about you." They mean so much.

Music Day

2011-01-16T10:45:00.000-05:00

So, I put on my headphones and turned on the iPod feature of my iPhone. I usually use this to help me sleep by playing Merlin's Magic, but today I decided to rock out a bit. I'm in my room withh the door closed, but the volume is all the way up as I sing along full voice with songs like Zombie, What's Up, Jagged Little Pill, Wasted Time - pretty much anything that requires belting at the top of your lungs and head banging during interludes.

Head banging is sitll a little bit of a problem with the vertigo, but I am so stoked on belting that I just hope Nixon and the TV are making enough noise to cover me up so January and Giles don't come in and laugh at me.

I do love to sing. :-P

2011-01-10T16:37:00.002-05:00

If you don't have any money, don't go out to eat. I think that's a pretty simple concept. Apparently it does not apply to others, just to me.

2011-01-05T18:38:00.002-05:00

Paws.

Soft padding, pointy claws, now only stubs.

Making biscuits in blankets, on my tummy.

Purring, soft and low; gentle murmurs.

I remember your seal whiskers, and a face of black on black on black.

Peering out from dark corners.

I remember your pink nose in a face of black and white.

Eager to walk in the light.

At night, in dreams, you are the kittens that used to fight in my lap.

Midnight steam roller and grey puffball. Power and elegance.

Binks and Mr. Bond. My boys. My babies. My missing ones.

2010-12-27T19:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Florida;

In case you wondering, your residents do not really expect to be sitting around in fuzzy socks, thick pajama pj's and a hoody inside their houses. They do not expect to need the side of the thermostat that reads H-E-A-T. Your winter is behaving much too ... wintry. We'd appreciate if you'd fix it.

Awake late at night

2010-12-26T04:10:00.002-05:00

Why is it that when I find myself unable to sleep at night, and I can't roll over and hold onto Yaw, all the things that come to me are from the dark? Only the negative thoughts and emotions seem to be willing to join me when I lie awake alone at night.

In the day, I can find that positive view that keeps me moving, flowing, doing whatever needs/has to be done. Deep in the night, I feel the darkness press in and make itself more real - and by doing that, it also makes itself more surreal.

I've been awake for about 2 hours now - it's about 4:30. I tried reading for a while, which helped. Then I dozed off and thought, "Great, I can go back to sleep." Well, not exactly. Once the light was off and I was snugged back in the blankets, the thoughts rolled back in to pester and pick at me.

"Go away, " I told them. "I have to rest for my long work day tomorrow." No cooperation - they piled up higher.

"Things aren't that bad," I said to myself. "They only seem like that in the night time. Get some rest."

I reached within myself, looking for the bright shiny light that chases them away. I remembered I used to help DJ when he was small and had visitors in the night that would tease and pinch him. I sought within myself for the power to chase away my own night visitors. They seem to be more stubborn when they're your own visitors.

I thought, "OK, I should think about positive, happy things. That will help." I proceeded to think about my day - it was Christmas yesterday and I got to speak to most of my family and spent time with Yaw and his Godparents, which I enjoyed. Then all I could think of was, "But I didn't get to come home and spend the rest of the day relaxing with Yaw until bedtime, and we're still not living under the same roof. And I didn't have the energy to drive to Melbourne to visit with my friends Katy and Bill, whom I really wished to see. And and and and and..."

Some of this, maybe a lot of it, is cyclic, and will hopefully dissipate once hormones finish their torture on my body and spirit for the month. The cleansing. Should be any time now, so relief may be in sight.

But the thoughts are still here for now, and they don't seem to be stepping aside. In about 30 minutes, my alarm will sound, telling me to take my vertigo medicine. I have to take it really early because I will be either asleep or just loopy for at least 2 hours after I take it. This gives me time to get that out of my system so I can be up and moving in time to get to work by 8:30.

Going to be a long day, too. 8:30 - 5 because very few people were willing to work the day after Christmas and I'm the new kid, so I get hours they won't work. Not that the hours are bad. I used to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week before the vertigo came. But that was in a chair, with a one-hour lunch break, and now I'm on my feet on a cement floor the whole time. My body hasn't quite gotten used to that part. I've mostly adjusted to working through that midday nap crash - with the help of Rhodiola - but my body still gets very abused by being forced to stand up all day. I do what I can to make it easier - take potty breaks and use the opportunity to stretch out muscles and pop my back. When I get home, if I can muster the energy, I fill a hot bath and soak away the aches in my feet and back as much as I can - need to walk over to CVS on one of my breaks and buy some Epsom salts. I really need someone to massage my feet for me - I do a pseudo massage on my feet while I'm soaking, but massage is one of those things best delivered by someone else. I've taught January some of the Thai stretching I learned in Massage school, and that helps too. But it still hurts and takes me the whole night to get beyond it and able to move properly again. And I really feel like that should not be the case.

A friend did a personal reading on me about a month ago. She told me I'm not supposed to be where I am working. I chose the diplomatic "I agree" response over the knee-jerk "No shit" response. She told me to check out some place near here - an intersection with a shopping center. I did - there's a chiropractor with a massage therapist. They were running a special. If I had the money, I would have scheduled the first available appointment right then. I wanted to get a massage because I need one, but I also wanted to get a feel for the place and meet the person. My friend seemed to think the location involved a way to help me get my license sooner. I didn't think just walking in and talking to the person would be the right thing to do. But now I have the location, and I can try to save up for a massage and see what the deal is.

Hmmm... Ten minutes till the medicine alarm. Think I'll take them now and turn that one off. My thoughts feel a little more positive now, so maybe I'll be able to rest a little more tonight.

2010-12-15T20:14:00.001-05:00

I happily admit that I have no freaking clue what's going on. That usually isn't a happy thing for me...

What's on my mind?

2010-11-24T20:35:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. So, life's been an interesting adventure.

I found the vertigo made it impossible to return to any kind of job that required me to be in front of a computer all day long. This fact severely limited my options for work once I left the too-big-for-a-soul company.

After leaving the wonderful 3-bedroom apartment behind, Yaw and I moved a bunch of stuff into storage, and gave away or sold everything except what we could each keep in one closet - or in Yaw's case, several closets in various friends' houses. I admit I'm not a girlie kind of girl anymore, but I am still a girl, and somehow it just seems wrong that I have one closet worth of clothes, and he has about six.

Anyway. Some friends put me up for a while, and now I am staying with January and her new husband, Giles. This means I also have the pleasure of Nixon, who is now 20 months, I think (I'm horrible at this type of data retention), and is in full toddler mode. I occasionally watch his antics and raise my arms in the air, shouting, "Drunken Master!" I'm sure not everyone will find this amusing, but I see quite a lot of similarity between toddler antics and drunk people (and me when my vertigo is in full spin).

The other great thing is that I'm surrounded by cats (sometimes more of a challenging thing...), two of which are kittens named "Him" (yes really) and "Magdalena." Him is my buddy and snuggles with me on the sofa, or sometimes uses me as a scratching post/chew toy/ladder from the floor to the sofa. I try to keep the latter selections to a minimum - with minimal success.

The down side of living here is that Yaw can very rarely visit with me, much less live here with me. He is staying with other friends, and we do not always have good ways to communicate, which is highly frustrating to say the least. I know this is temporary, but for now it seems like we will never be in the same home together again. And, frankly I miss that a lot. I look forward to our complete reunion anxiously, and not very patiently.

As much as I never wanted to do this, I also went back to work for McD's because I needed some kind of income to live on. I help out around the house, and am happy to help with Nixon when I can, but the last thing I want is to be a burden on anyone, so getting even this part-time minimum-wage job is a huge blessing right now. And I don't feel nearly as much like an invalid knowing that I can go out in the world and function.

Studies for the MT license exam continue, but I really need to just find out how to schedule the test and get it done with. If I wait much longer, I'll feel like the 40-Year-Old Virgin when I walk in to take the exam.

I miss my family. I look forward to seeing Pat's gang tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I would have liked to be able to head up North and see everyone up there, but it just isn't possible right now. They want me to come up for Christmas, and I don't see that happening, either. I've just started at McD's - this is my second week - I'm low man on the totem pole and besides that, I really can't afford the trip. But I really do want to see them again very soon. And my boys, Binks and Mr. Bond. Just because I have lots of cats around me, don't think for a second that I don't miss them with every breath.

I think that's everything on my mind right now. Wish I had some amazingly deep thoughts to share, but this is all I have the energy for, and am surprised I've even spent this much time sitting down to key it on the netbook.

Hope everyone out there has a great Thanksgiving, surrounded by love and loved ones and filled to the gills with yummy eats.

A Mother's Grief Made Worse by Facebook

2010-10-28T09:34:00.001-05:00

On behalf of a good friend, I am posting a link to her blog. If you lose or have lost a loved one who has a facebook page, please read the following blog and the comments from other readers prior to deciding to memorialize that page.

http://katylynnsays.blogspot.com/2010/10/facebook-stole-my-daughters-words.html

Thank you.

Intention

2010-10-23T13:36:00.003-05:00

I left the house this morning with a few stops planned, and positive intentions for the activities I'd planned for those stops.

Of the series of stops, only one was successful - partially. It seems even if you have set a strong, positive intention, the universe's intention will override yours and you're stuck with it.

I'll try the blocked intentions again on Monday. Maybe the universe just didn't want me to accomplish those things today.

Dumb Me

2010-10-15T22:52:00.002-05:00

Tonight I was being a selfish idiot, and now that I realize this, I will suck it up and take advantage of another set of life's crazy hidden gifts.

Yaw and I have moved, not so much by choice as by the puppet strings of the Universe - the narrator behind the scenes is whispering "Hey - that's not where you're supposed to be. Over there - go over there." So the puppetteer moves us over to somewhere else. I don't mind that very much; it's all part of the adventure.

I mind being tired. I am mentally and physically exhausted by all that has happened recently, and by the work that I know remains. In order to keep pace, I have had to push my limits beyond what my illness has allowed. Add to that a brief visit yesterday with my best friend and her husband - a visit to the beach that didn't turn out as planned and ended up at a pub in town; a surprise invite to my niece's wedding today and an afternoon and evening spent with her and most of my sister's family; and a surprise phone call from my cousin who lives 6 hours away stating she'll be in my area tomorrow and wants to have dinner.

What I'm being an idiot about is this. When I came into the house tonight, the first words out of my mouth were terribly negative. Rather than focusing on the fact that I have all these amazing people wanting to spend time with me while they can, all I could say is "Why are you all doing this NOW?" How amazingly shelfish and unappreciative! How can I be such a bloody idiot? I should be jumping for joy at the chance to see them - especially since it is so rare I get to spend time with any of them at all. How can I be so selfish as to say that they shouldn't all want to see me at once?

I'm just dumb sometimes. Really. Really. Dumb.

Dispelling the Dreams

2010-10-10T06:57:00.003-05:00

I know the Lorazepam affects my dreams. They were always crazy from time to time, but not so regularly crazy as they’ve been since I’ve been on this medication. Dreams are very important to me, though; especially certain kinds of dreams that have always had meaning that corresponded to my waking life.

What is surprising to me is that I have not had one of my infamous tornado dreams. I have come to realize that in my dreams a tornado symbolizes massive change in my life that will take me out of my comfort zone. Well, if this isn’t one of those times, I’m a little leery to think about the next time I have a tornado dream. I am most definitely stepping outside my comfort zone right now.

Dreams I’ve had lately have been along the lines of things that I like turning into things I fear (a hand full of kittens turned into a handful of biting spiders), or quests being constantly sabotaged by persons I’m supposed to trust.

Last night I had a combination quest/house dream. I interpret houses as the spiritual center in my dreams. Usually I am in my own house looking for answers to something within myself. Sometimes I am in someone else’s house, seeking a way to make peace with them. The house I was in last night was neither mine, nor one of someone I knew. It was clearly a house that had once been proud and beautiful, but that had undergone some destructive event that left walls half fallen and holes in the ceiling that looked out on grey-clouded skies. The light within the house was neither warm nor welcoming. The staff within were bedraggled, but still attempted to put on the show of being top-notch at their duties. The place seemed depressed and attempted to draw me into its lethargy.

I don’t know why I was in this particular house, but it was in some way necessary for me to be there while I prepared for an important event in my life. In the dream, the event was an Ed Sullivan-era TV show where was I supposed to do something – not sure if it was specifically a singing gig or something else. My older sister was there with her two youngest daughters. I thought she was there to help me, but she kept doing things that delayed me or caused havoc that threatened to ruin my appearance. I believe something was done to cause an irreparable wrinkle on my very delicate skirt. A wall outlet powering all my hair implements was turned off while I was in the middle of curling my hair. Being busy with the task, I didn’t notice until I realized the curling irons were not hot. I was due on the set in seconds.

The thing with these dreams is that I haven’t been able to work out a way to remember the outcome or solution when I wake. I’ve been able identify them as dreams while they are in process, and sometimes move parts of them in a more favorable direction. Last night, I think I was beginning to move them to my advantage, but my memory of the dream cuts off before the resolution comes out. I do not remember getting on the stage, only standing ready in the wings while being announced. I am spending this morning building the ending of the dream so that it will hopefully help shape the outcome of whatever event it is foretelling.

To dispel the fear, discomfort, anger, lethargy, and other negative energies, I am envisioning the curling irons working properly without the use of electricity, but with my own will to power them. My hair is flat where I want it flat, and curled where I want it curled. My skirt is turned to the side where the wrinkle is not visible – the skirt is of a style where the front, back and sides are not obvious. I am standing confidently while “Ed” announces the young woman whose music has filled the nation’s heart with love and peace. Before I step out I speak a prayer to the universe, to my ancestors, and my guides to aid my goal of healing the negative energy. As I enter the stage, the crowd is hushed, not knowing what to expect. When the music starts, and I begin to sing, I breathe out not notes, but chords of peace, beauty and love, sharing them with all the crowd, all the nation, and all the world. I let the positive energies spread and strengthen until the whole planet is paused in peace and joy. And when I finish the crowd is still silent, lost in the peace they feel for just a little longer.

And as it happens with healing energy, the peace brought to others is also present within me, making my passage through this time away from my comfort zone a little more bearable. Let it be so.

Yes!

2010-09-25T10:22:00.002-05:00

Today, I gave myself a choice. I decided to walk again - first time since we came back from VA and NC. During my visit with Mara, she and I took a long stroll with Luna, her dog. By long, I mean 1 mile. Not so long in terms of my hasher friends, but twice as long as what I've been achieving at home. On a hilly road, even.

So the choice I gave myself this morning was: 1) walk my normal route twice, which would equal one mile; or 2) walk my normal route once but at twice the speed.

I took the second option. Twice the speed, mind you, is still much too slow to keep up with the slowest of my Hashing friends, but is still quite enough to get my heart pumping and my lungs working harder.

I felt so exhilarated! And sweaty. But sweaty is good. I don't like being sweaty, as I've stated before, but I do understand the need to sweat, and the valuable purpose sweating serves for our bodies. I'm also pretty quick to shower it off after I've finished doing whatever caused me to sweat. (Side note: I accidentally typed "swear" just now, which sweating can sometimes cause me to do.)

So my whole point with this morning's ramble is that I feel like I've made a great accomplishment today. This, along with starting a slow ween off of my vertigo meds, is my way of fighting back at all the crap that is trying to prevent me from living a normal life. I am DONE with sitting around with my head spinning, telling my friends and family, "No I can't do that because I'm dizzy," and feeling more and more angry and depressed about it all.

There are way too many things causing me to choose a less active lifestyle right now for me to let this bloody head of mine add one more thing to the mix. If I can lick this, then I can work on the other things, and finally be myself again!

GO ME!

2010-09-21T23:39:00.002-05:00

Home from VA. Exhausted. Dizzy. Tried to go to bed, but now that I'm here, I can't get to sleep. The apartment is too empty without Binks and Mr. Bond in it.

Too silent.

Even the noises from the elephant people upstairs don't fill the silence quite right.

I know they are safe, but my heart is broken. I have given away my children again.

2010-09-13T17:34:00.001-05:00

It is better to tell me the real reason you are doing something than to try blowing smoke up my rear with a bunch of nonsense that you know I will see through.

I am not an idiot.

3:45 a.m.

2010-09-08T02:46:00.002-05:00

Reading friends' blogs, thinking about other friends who used to blog, thinking about painting my nails... nah... thinking about the chocolate chip cookies I made with only 1/2 the ingredients... yeah, I should eat another one...

Thinking about life and its crazy-mad way of fulfilling your wishes in such unexpected ways. "They" always say to be careful what you wish for. Whoever "they" are, "they" might be on to something.

There are large transformations going on throughout the world right now, and I'm only one of the billions of people feeling it. Most aren't aware that it's a worldwide, and even Universal, transformation. Many aren't even aware that they themselves are in transformation. Some of those might not even realize they have transformed after it's complete. My ex-husband used to say that he often wished he could be fat, dumb, and happy. At the time, he was none of those. I hope that if he is going through transformation as well, that he at least gets the happy part right.

Mr. Bond is sleeping at my feet, watching me spin in the chair and type at the same time - because it's not enough that being on the computer still makes me dizzy after a while; I now have a chair that spins nicely, so I can make myself dizzy using two methods at once. I'm a genius!

Bond snores; sometimes very softly like right now, and other times with amazing volume that reminds me of my Dad. The soft snoring is very soothing to me, almost as soothing as when he purrs. Apparently, it's still not enough to put me back to sleep.

It's now 4:01 a.m. I have eaten my cookie and drunk my glass of milk. I am debating a second helping of each, but don't want to be gluttonous. Spinning in my chair a little further, I realize Binks has curled himself up just behind my chair. He does not snore as far as I know. When he purrs, it is a powerful rumble. He is my tiny panther in more ways than one - but not in bravery. There, he's more like a huge rat scurrying into dark corners whenever something might be threatening.

My cats. My babies. How can I give them up? It breaks my heart every time I think about it. You'd think I had really given birth to them. At least they're going to family, and not some horrible shelter. I could never forgive myself for that.

I should try to sleep - I do feel tired - but my brain won't shut up. Usually, meditation will take me back down, but tonight, that wouldn't come to me either. I'll try to read a few pages, and hope to fall asleep, waking at 6 with the book on my chest or in my armpit, and my reading glasses dangling off the side of my face.

Everything will work itself out somehow. I know that. It always does. But I have always hated the part in the middle - the part between learning that a change has happened, is happening, or is going to happen; and getting to the other side of the change when everything settles back down again. The adventure part of it - I love that. The part I don't love is the mundane crap that has to be handled to make the adventure part happen. Just give me the discovery, the adventure, and the end. Let someone else handle the mundane crap for once.

It's now 4:18 and I think I'll try that reading thing again.

Elephant People

2010-08-31T22:00:00.003-05:00

So, there's a herd of elephant people living in the apartment above us. I've decided the largest one is the toddler or small child that is among them.

They occasionally also entertain me with colorful, loud, and physically active arguments. They love to slam doors. I find the peaceful wind chimes hanging on their door to be very ironic. It seems this is the only peaceful thing about the entire arrangement up there - and it's on the OUTSIDE of their door. Perhaps its purpose is to try and send peace into their apartment whenever they enter. I don't believe it has had any effect whatsoever.

I guess I can deal with it just a little longer, though.

Vertigo Schmertigo

2010-08-13T14:41:00.002-05:00

I've had it. I'm over it. I'm done with it.

If only it were done with me.

Since May 26, I've had a constant battle raging with this dysfunction, that for most people doesn't last more than a couple of weeks. I've just been ordered by my doctor to remain home for another month. That puts my new return to work date at September 15. I have not been to work since June 7 (except for a few failed short days that I tried in July).

The first specialist did some testing that confirmed the positional kind of vertigo and stopped there, giving me exercises to do, and saying they should make the dizziness go away. They didn't. He persisted that meds wouldn't help and I persisted that his exercises didn't help. I told him the attempt to work a few hours a day failed miserably. He finally decided to send me to an ear and balance specialist.

The ear and balance specialist ran all the same tests, then ran some that the first guy missed. They were weird. Yaw came with me and watched the monitor as the technician attached goggles to me and covered the lenses. She then blew air into my ears. Cold air on the left, cold are on the right. While the air blew, she asked me to list things alphabetically, like girl names and boys names, etc. Then she did the same thing, using warm air this time.

The test showed that my left ear is functioning at 30% less than my right ear. Yaw noted afterwards that he could tell when I was dizzy because my voice got breathless and my eyes would do this weird wiggly/zigzag thing. I could tell I was dizzy - I didn't need a machine or monitor or even Yaw to tell me that. Why couldn't they just listen to me!?

Anyway, the test proved what they were looking for, so I got a script for meds and more time off from work - because work says they can't give me anything to do that doesn't require a computer. I guess they don't want me following the maintenance guy around and handing him screwdrivers or whatever.

Doc said give the new meds two weeks, which I did. STILL DIZZY. I called his office and said I had two days left until I was supposed to go back to work, and I was still dizzy. A couple of phone calls later, I had a new script called in to the pharmacy and paperwork sent to metlife to extend my time off - until September 15.

While I'm glad I don't have to deal with the stress at the giant company that doesn't care about me, I'm really annoyed, depressed, frustrated, whatever, about being stuck in my apartment AGAIN for another whole month. Blast it all.

The new meds would be awesome if I were suffering from insomnia. I can count on being unconscious for two hours after I take them. Which may be why I'm delaying the dose I was supposed to take an hour ago. Wanted to be functional just a little longer before going back into la-la land. But I can't delay any longer. Too much time typing this has already put me into a spin. Nap-time, here I come.

Look out.

Icky Spider 2010

2010-07-31T18:44:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, Yaw and I stopped over by the storage unit to make sure we had a working key before borrowing a van to empty it out. (I thought I'd accidentally turned mine in with the old apartment keys, but I later found I still had it.) We pulled up next to the entrance and Yaw got out to test the keys he had. I looked down at the radio, then back up to watch his progress from my window. I almost rolled the window down, but decided not to.

Then it showed up on the window. I wish I had the wits to take a picture. For the briefest moment, the purely objective part of my brain looked at it in wonder and said, "What a beautiful specimen!" About the time "specimen" was forming in my mind, the rest of me - the part that is terrified by even the tiniest spider - caught on to what was on the window and took over the reaction.

EEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!! I still haven't quite figured out how I managed it, but somehow I found myself halfway into the driver's seat while still securely fastened into the passenger seat's belt. There it was - about half the size of my hand altogether. The body was the size of the end of my thumb, from knuckle to tip; the legs were as long as my fingers. I could see it's scary mandible eaty thingies wiggling hungrily as it gazed at me with all its tiny eyes.

I attempted, rather bravely I thought, to tap the window and scare it away. It thought my hand would make a tasty snack and followed it around. I'm certain it was looking for the way into the inside of the car. I was not putting up with that. Thinking fast, I honked the horn and pointed at the spider. Yaw did not immediately respond, so I honked again, waited to see him look, and pointed again at the horrible creature. Yaw was too far away to see it clearly, and I wasn't opening any windows to tell him, just in case the spider had a friend nearby. I waved my hand around and pointed again at the spider.

Yaw decided to move closer to the car to see what I was so excited about. He finally spotted where my finger was pointed and made his way around to the driver's side of the car. He didn't seem to notice any other monstrous arachnids on that side, so I cracked the window.

He said, "It's on the outside of the car. It can't get you. Stop panicking."

I replied in the most calm voice I could muster, "GET IT OFF THE CAR!"

He had me pass him his nifty cane that was in the back seat. (Here's where all the bravery comes out.) He walked around the car, keeping a fair distance. He reached forward as far as he could - arm and cane length - and attempted to nudge the spider. It did not nudge. He tapped lightly, which sent me into fair histrionics - that was glass, with a giant spider attached. I didn't want either falling into the car on me. He realized this wasn't working, about the time the spider started moving towards the edge of the car door.

Now, anyone who has read my earlier blogs will note that one of the things that freaks me out about spiders is the fact that they can squeeze their icky bodies through impossibly small spaces. My mind immediately recited a scenario where said icky spider did exactly that and got inside the car. The freak-out-ometer was clearly going through the roof and Yaw could see this. He could also see, as clearly as I could, that the spider was not going to go peacefully about its way. It wanted IN. He attempted to mash the spider against the edge of the door.

He got part of it - I could see a piece of leg or something fall off. While the sympathetic part of me felt horrible that the spider was now suffering from a lost limb, the rest of me was just ticked the thing wasn't dead yet. I have this thing with spiders. I understand they serve a purpose in this world, and I respect that. However, smart spiders know better than to serve their purpose anywhere that I might possibly see them. Those that are not smart enough, or are too bold (like this one) are summarily destroyed. Eat all the bugs you want, spiders; just don't come out where I can see you. It's an agreement I made with Spiders in general as soon as I could form coherent thought. The spider screwed up, and was even a bold jerk about it. It had to die.

When Yaw partially mashed it, the spider suddenly achieved light speed and dashed up to the top of the car, and headed straight towards the back end. Yaw followed, still at a respectable distance - now the spider was wounded, so it was going to be more dangerous. He attempted to mash it again, but it was too quick this time. It dashed down the car and disappeared underneath. Not satisfied (and knowing I would never get out of the car if there was any remote chance it was still on it somewhere), he had me slowly move the car forward - since I had removed the passenger seat belt and was all the way in the driver's seat now, I complied. I rolled the car forward and backward a couple of times, hoping the spider was on the tire, and would get mushed by the action. Yaw didn't see it anywhere. Great.

He finished his task with the keys, checked around the car one more time for the spider, and got in the passenger side. He convinced me to drive home (across the parking lot) and we discussed how to ensure the spider would be removed. We decided that he would get me out of the car at home and then he'd take the car through the drive-through car-wash that has an undercarriage wash. We got to our new building, he got out and checked for the spider, then escorted me to the door. He went and washed the car and returned, reporting that he did the undercarriage wash, and still never saw any further sign of the spider.

This happened yesterday afternoon, and my eyes are just beginning to de-bug-eye from the experience. The new meds I'm taking for vertigo have a rare side effect - one that if it happens, I must immediately seek medical attention. That side effect is hallucinations. I can see it now. That side effect will decide to happen, and I'll see this huge, icky, bold, scary spider everywhere I look. Someone save me from the spiders! Someone save me from my brain!

2010-07-19T09:00:00.002-05:00

Within the flame, I do not burn.

I am adding to its heat.

I am its heat.

Within the cold, I do not freeze.

It's frigid pain cannot reach within me

Or dampen the flame.

There is no heat or cold I cannot endure.

I will crawl through hell and back

And will still remain myself.

I will crawl through hell and back

And at the end of the journey

There will be you.

Some of My Favorite Things - No Particular Order

2010-07-07T12:27:00.003-05:00

The sky - with or without clouds, day or night, all seasons

Cats - especially cats who are purring and cuddly

Laughter of babies and small children

Intelligent conversation

The play of light and dark in art or in the world (which is the essence of art...)

Color - see above

Trees - covered with beautiful leaves and/or blossoms, or bare and solemn, all seasons

Looking at the sky through a canopy of leaves

Holding my husband's hand

Hugging my loved ones

I may have left things out, but these are on my mind right now. In five minutes, I'll probably have a completely different list. :-)

Focus for Root Chakra Healing

2010-06-20T12:29:00.002-05:00

Ger - Cycle of Seasons

Nyd - Inner Stregnth

Feoh - Working Towards Success

Wyn - Acknowledgment / Closeness to god/gods

Eoh - Rebirth / Endurance

Ing - Conclusion

The Square and Circle represent the Root Chakra itself, as does the color red. The choice of black and silver for the symbols is based solely on aesthetics. I happened to be very fond of the three colors in combination.

It is important to note that the descriptions given above for the Runes on this focus depict only the short and simple description of the facet of each rune that I felt applied to the purposes of the Root Chakra. Like most symbols, runes bear multiple meanings and the translation of those meanings is dependent upon circumstance and the person doing the translation. Another person might interpret this focus completely differently, and that is fine with me as long as it is used for good purposes.

Creativity

2010-06-20T08:17:00.003-05:00

Since I have been stuck at home going stir crazy between dizzy spells, I decided that one of my prayers had actually been answered. One thing I have lacked lately is time. Now I have it in abundance, although I still have to fit any activities in between the dizzy spells.

So what do I do with my time? I use it for creative expression. There hasn't been time in my life for art or music since I started massage school on top of the full-time job at the giant company. While massage itself is a creative expression, and I've enjoyed it immensely, I have missed being able to do things like paint and color.

So now that I am a little less dizzy, I have dug out my pencils, paints, coloring books, and canvases. My art has been a dual purpose expression. I have created a canvas piece that will only mean something to someone who is familiar with both Chakra work, and with the Northern Futhark of Norse Runes. What I created is a focus piece for working on the Root Chakra. I have found it very helpful. I will download a photo of it so if anyone else is in need, perhaps they can make use of it as well.

The coloring books I dug out are not what most people will expect. Not Disney movie themes or Barbie or Transformers - I would color those if I had them, but these are more my style. For Christmas one year, Yaw gave me two coloring books by an artist named Denise Suazo Shoemake. They are mature, artistic themes, intended to be colored with pencils or markers. I use pencils mostly because I love how they blend. Anyone who knows me well, knows I also love to do Doodle Art posters, but at the moment, I don't have sufficient space for that size of a picture. I gave several of them to my nieces and nephew a while back, but I kept a few that I still want to complete.

Once my head clears up and I can get back to work and school (oy), I will work hard to complete everything that is required of me, so that I can eventually reach the point where massage is my career, and then I'll have more time for these things. I look forward to it with great anticipation. :-)

Mud in My Head

2010-06-18T11:54:00.002-05:00

May 26th, I passed out at work. "Passed out" isn't really the best way to describe what happened - I never lost consciousness. I was awake, and aware of my surroundings. I was not able to clearly communicate and my head weighed about a million pounds. It was not pleasant. Yaw took me to the emergency on the recommendation of the paramedics who came and checked me out.

The emergency room, in their typical way, listened to precisely two words I said to them: cough medicine. They blamed the whole event on some Robetussin I was taking for an annoying cough and said I should stop taking it. I did, and went back to work after an extended Memorial Day weekend. Five days total, and I felt A LITTLE better, but definitely still had weird-head going on.

I mucked through as well as I could, but on June 7, it struck again - and at work again. This time Yaw wasn't there, so Deb drove me home. When Yaw found out, he called on a friend to drag me out to the doctor for examination. This doctor listened to a lot more words, and even attempted to listen to some recordings I'd made of recent things in my medical life. Attempted, but didn't succeed. I wasn't clear enough to explain how to get the phone on speaker mode, so they couldn't hear it; so they didn't try anymore. However, they did come up with a diagnosis - vertigo - and gave me more time off from work and a prescription. I started the prescription, which basically just knocked me on my butt all day every day.

Then I reacted to the prescription. OH. JOY. Stop the prescription, go on corticosteroids for the rash, and try something else for the vertigo. Something else is Dramamine. Again, knocks me on my butt, but I have to take it about every 4 hours. Nope.

Up to this point, I'd been through heart monitors, lung X-rays, blood tests, and more blood tests. They did some of the simpler vertigo tests on me and said my eyes didn't do what they were looking for. They sent me for a CT scan, which - like everything else up to this point - came out NORMAL. Well, something somewhere is NOT NORMAL or my head wouldn't be like this.

Next step - ENT specialist. More nifty tests. Did those Wednesday. This time they made me dizzy on purpose. Only one of the tests really made me feel dizzy, but hopefully it showed them what they were looking for. I'm in wait-mode right now. I go back Monday for results with the doc and hopefully a plan of action. At this point, I've been out of work 9 business days. Working on FMLA / Short Term Disability. Not sure when this will end, but from what Ann tells me, it'll come and go.

OH. JOY.

Thanks, Blogger!

2010-06-18T11:52:00.002-05:00

New Template Designer is excellent! Much more freedom for me to express my own creative style!

2010-05-18T20:51:00.001-05:00

Okay, I know it's been a long time since I posted something. I haven't forgotten my blog, I'm just too busy with school (which is going very well) and with working full time (which is getting very old) and with helping Yaw work out business in between. Not much time for very much else. And housework is right out!

Left

2010-02-24T01:43:00.001-05:00

Left wanting.
Left waiting.
Left wondering.
Wondering "Why?"
Wondering "Why not?"
Wondering "How?" "Who?" "When?"
Left on my own,
In the dark,
In the light.
Left to wonder,
To wander,
In the night.
Where will it lead?
When will it end?
What will there be,
Beyond the final bend?
How will I cope when
There is no more hope?
Who will I be then,
When I am left?
Left on my own.
Left once again.

Frozen Tide

2010-02-08T07:11:00.002-05:00

The sky is lightening outside
And I am darkening inside
Come hold me now
Bring peace to me now

Wrap me in your loving arms
and chase away this frozen tide
this cold outside
this cold inside

Wrap me in your loving arms
and chase away
this frozen
tide

Tomatoes and Sherry

2010-02-05T11:04:00.001-05:00

When cooking with tomatoes and tomato-based sauces, always use a little Sherry Cooking Wine and some Rosemary. You just have to.

2010-02-02T20:24:00.001-05:00

The Indian River Lagoon greeted me this evening with mirror-still waters as I crossed the bridge coming home from school. So beautiful. Thank you.

2010-01-28T02:29:00.001-05:00

Hey, wonderful Blogger people. I'm bored with all these templates. I've played with the colors and re-arranged screens, and modified and modified and modified. Can we get some more groovy options, please?

2010-01-28T02:26:00.000-05:00

Someone recently commented when I was speeding forward in my Cube, "Go gerbils, go!" I politely corrected her, stating, "They're not gerbils, thank you very much. They're Russian Dwarf Hamsters. Much cuter than gerbils."

2010-01-28T02:18:00.002-05:00

2:18 a.m. The house is quiet. TV noise would just annoy me right now. The apartment complex is quiet around me. Very peaceful. At moments like this, though, I really miss my place on the Cape, where I could open my windows and hear the ocean., or step out into my tiny yard and look through the trees up at the stars. Here, I have to walk out into the parking lot to see the stars. Worth doing, but I feel very exposed and vulnerable out there by myself. Cats, as adorable as they are, are not effective protectors in such a situation. But they make great foot warmers while I'm typing - when I can get them to stay on the ottoman for me. :-)

2009-12-31T11:37:00.001-05:00

I was looking for a tape refill in the cabinet at work, and I couldn't seem to find any. After several minutes of searching, I found a box that explained my difficulty. It said "Invisible Tape."

Public Toilets - Not for the Queasy to Read

2009-12-04T00:17:00.003-05:00

Want to know what annoys the crap out of (and sometimes back up into) me? People who don't show common courtesy in public toilets. That includes the toilet shared by 100+ employees of my office.

The top items from my list of annoyances can all be avoided if the person in the toilet ahead of me would just look at what she just did. (I say she since I would almost always be in a women's toilet - unless I'm drunk at a bar on a Hash pub crawl - then all bets are off.)

So what's my list? Here are some high points: (Note: I am now directing my comments to the unknown masses guilty of all the discourtesies listed below. I have not completely forgotten my grammar/literary teachings.)

1-water puddles on the sink. If you take that paper towel you just used to dry your hands, and dry off the counter before you walk away, the next person up doesn't set her valuables (purse, cell phone, etc.) down in your puddle. Simple common courtesy. I bet you'd be ticked if you sat your cell phone down in the water someone else left behind. Take 1/2 second to think about it, then another 1 1/2 seconds to wipe it up!

2-hair in/on the sink area from someone who combed her hair. I don't want to look at your hair in the sink. I don't want to look at my hair in the sink. I want to see your hair on your head, and my hair on my head. If the hair won't stay there, it should be wiped up and thrown away. It does not belong in the sink.

3-used paper towels that missed the trashcan and were left on the floor where they landed. This is not a basketball game. There is not a young person hanging around just waiting for you to drop the ball so they can pick it up. Pick up your own blasted trash and throw it away!

4-drops of pee on the floor, seat, rim, etc. Um, OK. If you are so afraid to touch your own pee with a wad off tissue, what in the world makes you think anyone else wants to touch it? There is toilet paper right there in the stall for mopping up the mess, and then a sink with soap, water and paper towels with which to clean your hands. Use all of the above and quite peeing on the seat. With a hole as big as that, there's no reason you can't make it inside unless you are standing on top of the seat trying to hose the whole stall down. WTF?

5-incompletely flushed toilets. You know you pooped. You may have hit the toggle for the toilet to flush, but that doesn't mean the toilet is going to take in everything you deposited on the first try. Look behind yourself before you walk out of the stall and make sure all your stuff is gone. I do not want to look at your poop.

6-pads or tampons tossed in the trash/feminine product basket unwrapped. You know you bled. I don't care that you bled. I don't want to see your blood. There's toilet paper right there in the stall where you changed your product. Wrap it up before you toss it in the trash.

2009-10-20T09:02:00.001-05:00

So last night I was trying to write my Pathology report for this week. I was apparently more tired than I thought. I was nodding in and out and typing in my sleep. At one point I woke up and read what I had just typed. I actually typed the following sentence: “This condition can be diagnosed by watching this video my Mom just emailed to me.”

2009-10-19T06:08:00.001-05:00

So the man went and got himself hurt - bad enough to need emergency surgery. We spent the weekend of 10/9 - 10/11 in the hospital, brought him home and kept him cooped up since then. He's moving around much better, and taking less of the pain meds, which is a great relief for us both. Today we have a follow up with his surgeon. Considering how lackadaisical the doctor was just getting us a work excuse, I'm thinking we'll be in the office for a while today. Crossing fingers, toes, eyes, hearts, and whatever else I can cross that he can go back to work soon, but he's still sleeping a lot so I don't know. The call has been made to start the short term disability process.

wats up wit u?

2009-10-02T16:18:00.003-05:00

A little update on the last couple of posts - I've gotten pretty bad about this. :-(

Bought a car, got the CARS deal. The new car is a Nissan Cube in Caribbean Blue. Love him! (He's a boy car, not a girl car like all my previous cars.) Excellent mileage (which of course was a requirement for CARS), handles like a dream. The transmission is a new-fangled thingie called CVT (which I think means Continuous Velocity Transmission - it means it doesn't shift gears. It's a giant rubberband that expands and contracts based on your speed.) He's got cruise control, AC (that works, unlike poor Abby's at the end), and about a million cup holders that are constantly filled with half-drunk sodas, waters, and XS energy drinks. The back seat actually moves forward and back like a front seat, and folds forward or back so passengers can lay down if they want. There's a jack where I can plug my iPhone in and listen to the music on it. He looks sort of odd - a Cube is a cube. But he grows on you quickly - especially after riding in him once and seeing just how roomy he is!

So that's the bit about the car.

School is going very well. My instructor, Jen, is very supportive and we get along great. My scores are almost all 100's except for one or two. I have a test or quiz almost every class. The best nights are when we get to go on "field trips" to the other class and let them practice on us. :-)

Yaw decided to get back into his Amway/Quixtar business, so we've jumped into that with both feet. We've done well with sales so far and attended a convention last weekend that truly rocked my world. I was very impressed by the positive energy all around me the whole time. It was very inspiring I'll add a link to his page so folks can look around if they want. We've begun doing a lot of our own household shopping through the online store and so far I've been impressed with everything we've tried.

Moved Again

2009-08-20T13:18:00.002-05:00

I don't care how many times I've been proven wrong in the past. I will continue to repeat this mantra until it comes true!

I am not moving again. I am not moving again. I am not moving again.

Did it work yet? Nope. I just moved again. This time, back toTitusville. The advantage is that I'm a quick 4-minute drive from work. The disadvantage is that I lose my lovely beach and the new place is slightly smaller.

Otherwise all is quiet.

Oh wait, there's that thing where I started school Tuesday night. Second class session is tonight and so far I think I'm on top of it. Might be a little early to tell.

Oh, and I'm trying to trade my truck in for something more fuel efficient. Going after a great deal using the CARS program. So far, only test drove one car. Hope to have three more test drives before the weekend is over.

Monkey See Monkey Do

2009-07-07T10:09:00.003-05:00

So someone sent out one of those emails where they list tons of "useful" little tidbits of info, like putting a dryer sheet in your pocket to ward off mosquitos or peeling a banana from the bottom to avoid those little stringy bits. In the last 3 days, I've tried both helpful hints listed above, and guess what! Neither of them worked! Go figure.

A Modern Kind of Hell

2009-05-26T22:04:00.002-05:00

Sitting (or lounging) on the sofa, remote in hand, switching between two channels. At first it works to back up over everything that happened while you were on the other channel.

And then it doesn't and you're forced to flip back and forth between the two, while they play their commercial breaks simultaneously.

Just. To. Taunt. You.

The Future

2009-04-25T06:47:00.003-05:00

It keeps looking at me. Sometimes it stares. Sometimes it's annoying because I'm not sure how I'm going to get to the goal I've set. Sometimes it's challenging me and I feel like pouncing on it and tearing it to shreds just to prove that I am more than up to that challenge.

I have full confidence that once I find the best way to get started on my goal, I will achieve it and make the best use of the skills I gain. The goal itself isn't my challenge right now. My challenge is funding that goal. Another challenge is deciding the best way to work towards it once the funding is out of the way.

Beyond the funding roadblock (which I expect to clear very soon, one way or another), there are two paths before me. (Clarification: there are infinite paths before me, but I am focused on two of them.) The first path is the original way I intended to go about reaching my goal, and the second is a new option offered to me by Yaw which I am taking into consideration.

It might help to know what the crazy goal is, I guess. I plan to start Massage Therapy School in August. Initially I will use this as a mode of bringing in extra income to help out with some common goals Yaw and I have set. In time, I may be able to make it my full-time job and stop working for giant companies who only care about the bottom line. So. On to the two paths.

Path one: continue working for the giant company full-time and take the courses part-time, which will cost about the same, but will take twice as long and I will have no time for social activities and very little rest. But I will be gainfully employed with all my benefits in place. Under the current economic black cloud, that seems to be the safest course.

Path two: apply for a six-month leave of absence from the giant company, take up a part-time job (maybe McHell again - they have benefits for part-timers if I remember correctly), and do the course full-time. The danger here is that since the leave of absence is not for military service (like the Reserves), and its purpose in no way increases my value to said giant company, there is nothing keeping said giant company from filling my position while I am gone. Admittedly, since I do believe I will be quite good at massage, and the school I want to attend offers placement upon certification, this is probably not as big a deal as I am making it.

Yaw seems to be highly in favor of me taking the second path. I know between us we could make the bills work - not even a little doubt of that. Further support of his plan comes from the fact that our giant company has been making giant changes lately, and so far each one seems to screw the peons at the bottom (ie. ME) a little more. They raised our health insurance payments and next year the option I have will no longer be available - I'll be forced to either take on a High Deductible Savings Account, or find insurance elsewhere. This year no one got raises (when I say no one, I have no idea if the upper escelons are included). Each year they take our bonues and give them to some charity - I don't mind giving to the charity, but I want it to be my own choice - this way it only makes the company look good.

I am feeling pretty fed up with giant company world and am thinking that this is a good time to turn the world upside down again. Once I have this taken care of, I can go back to the path Ann wants me to follow, which is to complete my Bachelor's in business so that I can run my own place and be the most awesome Massage Therapist and Reiki Master (once I get my second and third attunements) in the state of Florida.

Now that I have vomitted out all (most?) of my thoughts on this matter (for the moment), I need to get started with my Saturday morning so I can get it over with and get on to Saturday afternoon where all the fun stuff happens.

2009-04-16T01:12:00.000-05:00

I'm hoping very strongly for good weather this Saturday. Whether or not I make it to the Hash, I definitely need some time sitting/reading/napping on the beach. Maybe I'll ask Deb to join me...

Thought Provoking Blog

2009-04-16T00:55:00.000-05:00

http://akwantuni.blogspot.com/

Hopi Message from YouTube

2009-04-16T00:53:00.000-05:00

I agree with a lot of what is said in this message and I am working on some of the things he says we all need to live by.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xe346hROnE

2009-03-10T08:11:00.001-05:00

How many blasted filters does one *&(^% vacuum cleaner need?

Memory

2009-03-02T20:00:00.002-05:00

Driving home on A1A tonight, going about 37 in a 35 zone (and being passed by other cars). I was in the left-hand northbound lane. A couple decided it was time to cross, never mind cross-walks; never mind typical human walking speed -vs- accelerating moving vehicle (truck) speed; they were ready to cross so they did.

The way they timed it, they were just fast enough to be out of the right hand lane before those cars caught up, but were not moving nearly fast enough to be out of my way before I reached them. The man noticed this and sped up. The woman noticed this, slowed down and I'm pretty sure dared me not to hit the brakes, which of course I was hitting hard and fast. I couldn't swerve to the right because there were other cars coming. I couldn't swerve to the left because then I would hit the man. All I could do was keep hitting the brake and pray, so that's what I did.

When the woman was less than 3 feet from my front end, I finally moved a finger in reach of the horn and blasted. She turned, glared at me, flipped me the bird, and slowly took the last step needed to keep from becoming a new hood ornament for my truck.

I got myself over to the right as quickly and safely as I could, slowing traffic down as I determined the closest/safest road to turn right onto and get away from any other possible collisions. I pulled onto the edge of someone's front yard, opened my door and vomited on the street, then sat there with the engine running and the emergency flashers flashing while I gathered myself, wiped away tears, tried not to hyperventilate.

You may wonder why I had such a harsh reaction. It's amazing to me how, so many years later, something can trigger a memory that you thought was safely tucked away from ever seeing the light of day, and then be proven oh so wrong.

I was sixteen. I'd barely had my license a month and I wanted to drive to school for chorus practice. My father had a bad feeling about it and tried to talk me out of it, but it didn't work. I have always been pretty stubborn. I drove to school in the twilight time, with a light rain dusting the windshield off and on. I was almost there - I had just pulled out from the stop light and was accelerating up to the speed limit, but hadn't reached it yet. About 100 feet from the driveway to the school, a man ran out into the road, supposedly chasing a dog. I never saw a dog. I never saw the man until sometime in the instant before the hole showed up in my windshield. I found myself stopped in the road looking at the hole and knew something wasn't right, but wasn't really sure what. I pulled into the parking lot and parked the car, but didn't turn it off or turn off the lights. I think someone else did that for me after the police came. There were people around a big pile of something in the road. It was a man and he was clearly hurt pretty badly. I was still confused but things were starting to come together - or apart, as it were.

A lot of questions were asked by the police. A friend of mine who was also coming to the chorus practice, found me and I asked her to go call my parents. They came for me, spoke to the police, arranged to get my car back home (I think my brother actually had to drive it - something I don't think I ever thanked him for), and they brought me home.

The next day my mother brought me in to work with her at the family business. Everything was fine until the insurance adjuster called and started asking me questions. I couldn't answer anything, all I could do was cry. My father took the phone away from me and told the man he should never call again - that the insurance company would have to find someone else to handle my case. He was not going to have me badgered and tortured. The man really was very rude and inconsiderate, and my Dad was once again my John Wayne hero, come to save the day.

The man in the road later sued my insurance company for damages. I still believe it cannot have been my fault - there is evidence to the contrary in the way the dents were positioned on my car. By Virginia's very strict rulings on how guilt would be determined, I would probably have been found not guilty if the insurance company's lawyers had gone to court. But they decided to settle instead. I don't think I mind that much - I believe he was wrong, but he still suffered. If the money he got from the insurance company helped in some small way, I'm glad for him.

But he was wrong and he blamed it on a scared, young, new driver who was full of all the drama and terror of the teen years. It took my family almost four months to convince me to get behind the wheel again.

And obviously I am still not completely over it.

Happy Side

2009-02-06T21:14:00.005-05:00

Having said the things I said in that last blog, I thought I'd follow it with the happy part of the story.

I married one of my best friends in the whole world. He's a great guy even with his all-too-human faults. Hopefully he thinks the same of me - except I'm a girl, not a guy. We share very many common interests and beliefs, and where we disagree, we manage to keep the peace and hold intelligent conversations on our differences.

He is from a foreign country, so I have the pleasure of expanding my horizons and learning about the world from a completely different cultural viewpoint - something that thrills and fascinates me.

The marriage came up unexpectedly (on my part at least - I had pretty much relegated him to best-friend status and decided to leave him there), and seems to have evolved from friendship into marriage at lightning speed. If we hadn't already been dating on and off for two and half years, I would think this was especially strange for me.

But, knowing the relationship we've had, and the constant battle I fight between logic and emotion, I really couldn't see this turning out any other way. Both logic and emotion found goods and bads, and both sides found that the goods outweighed the bads. Besides, Katy had already told me that I either had to accept him how he is or let him go. I'd tried that second several times and it never really took.

So how did this sudden evolutionary leap come about? I'm so glad you asked! As I said previously, we'd been a non-couple for a few months, but had remained close friends once I got beyond the urge to poke him in the eye. We kept up communication and continued to find more and more bits and pieces of each other that just fit right. I still found moments when I struggled with being frustrated by certain aspects of his personality, and he decided to ask me right smack in the middle of one of those moments. I'm pretty sure he has no idea how close he came to being eviscerated. But he survived, and I managed to say that I'd think about it.

And I did think about it. Several long and sleepless nights were spent thinking about it. Can I handle giving up my freedom and sharing this space I've created for myself? Can he take me as I am no matter what? I can be one hell of a handful sometimes and I know it. Can we truly work as the team/partnership that I view a good marriage to be? Sigh. So many things to consider, but out of all them, the one that kept shouting the loudest was "Do I really love him this much - so much that in spite of how many problems we've had I can still consider the thought of marrying him?" The answer was yes, and so I decided to take the thought processes to him and proceeded to have several long and deeply personal conversations with him about it before making my final decision.

When I finally said yes (which was really only a few days later, but with the lack of sleep and stress of tyring to make such a life-changing decision, it felt more like years) things progressed at the afore-mentioned lightning speed. Tasks to be completed: Look up info on marriage licenses; decide if this will be church or JP; decide if we will wait to involve family/friends, yada yada blah blah blah.

We just happened to pick out our wedding bands the night before we went to apply for the marriage license. Very plain and simple, but elegant (which I think is really synonymous) white gold bands. Mine hides on my hand, with my pale skin and the fact that I wear silver rings on both hands almost all the time. His shows brilliantly against his dark chocolate skin. We didn't take the day off from work because we were only getting a license - we just both arranged to come in late that day. What we'd seen on the county's website suggested that once we had our license we would still have to wait at least three days before we could get married. We figured on doing it after he came back from a business trip the following week.

To our great surprise, we were able to complete the ceremony right there in the Clerk of Court's office the very same morning. Fortunately the rings were with me in the purse I was carrying from the night before. Within 30 minutes of walking into the office for a marriage license, we were actually married. And then we both had to go to work because we hadn't taken the day off. I think the universe was looking out for him. If there had been too much of a delay, I might have found a strong enough reason to change my mind. But then, I can be pretty damn stubborn once I've made a decision. Just ask any member of my family.

We've had a little fun torturing friends and co-workers with the news. Since we work together and we both came in late, and in separate cars that day, there was already some muttering. I got there first and Yaw's supervisor was out for the day so his team didn't know he was going to be late. They asked me about it because they knew we had some kind of relationship, but they weren't sure how deep it ran. I don't think they noticed the ring right away. It might not have been until the following week that they asked if he'd gotten married. He told them yes, but didn't say to whom. They obviously hadn't observed my hand, with an identical ring to his, on any of my visits to his area. He decided to prolong the torture as long as possible.

My own team never did seem to notice the ring on my hand, but like I said, I tend to wear at least two silver rings pretty much all the time. They did ask if we were back together, to which I responded with a vague sort of answer.

Last Friday night, I demanded a date night, because I can do that, and we decided to spend it having dinner at Durango's Steak House, then watching a movie. During dinner, Yaw got a call from Jim (on his team at work). He picked it up thinking there must be some emergency at work. Jim told him he was calling to tell him he was an idiot because when his wife heard that Yaw had gotten married, but wasn't telling to whom, she went online and looked up the public records on him. And there I was. Then Yaw handed me the phone so Jim could tell me the same thing.

Since the cat was out of the bag with his team, we decided to go ahead and tell the rest of our co-workers. Quite a lot of surprise and cheering ensued, which was good to hear. Then we announced it to our Hashing friends during the Superbowl halftime. When asked jokingly if I was pregnant, I said that I wasn't but Yaw was. Fortunately there had been enough beer consumed for a couple of folks to think that was actually funny. Now my Hashing girlfriends want to throw me a post-bachelorette party. I suppose that can be fun. OK, I KNOW that can be fun. I've been to some of the bachelorette flings we've had. I don't even care if I get presents - well, maybe a few presents...

So anyway, there is the happy side of the story.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes; Turn and Face the Strange...

2009-02-06T20:38:00.003-05:00

I got married. Seems like it should be a really joyful happy thing, doesn't it? I am happy, really. I managed to marry someone with whom I am very close on very many levels. I am looking forward to our years of partnership. For a long time now, I have felt the strain of not having someone to be at my side all the time, good times and bad. I have watched all my friends live in their happy coupledom and thought to myself "I am ready to be there again."

I've been married before and so has my new husband, Yaw. And both of us walked away from those past marriages with various bumps and bruises. Some of them we are long over. Some we are addressing, individually, as a couple or both.

But the biggest hurdle I have is my own family. I knew not everyone would be happy to hear this. Especially since Yaw and I had just spent the past several months in decided non-coupledom, and my family didn't get any warning that this was coming. So I understand their shock and getting the news. I wish I could make it easy on them, but then I remember that this decision wasn't theirs to make or to approve. I hope the nay-sayers will eventually ease up and come to accept this as it is truly my choice, and I honestly believe I would make it again.

WE definitely have our differences, but what couple doesn't? And we're definitely not perfect, but in the words of my beloved Mara (paraphrased because my memory sucks these days) "I'd like to see the person who claims that his/her marriage is perfect so that I can call him/her a liar to his/her face."

So I love Yaw. And he loves me. And even when we weren't a couple we were there for each other all the time, no matter what. What's so bad about that?

My adorable little townhouse that still needs some cosmetic work is now packed full with extra furniture, boxes, random crap, and holy cow the man has more clothes that god. Oy! I know why, but it's still insane to me. Have to whittle that stuff down some...

The cats have been less of a problem for him than I feared. I think we can manage that fairly well as long as I can keep things (potty box, etc.) clean. It will be easier when we have less random piles of crap lying around getting in the way of a good sweep/dust/mop session.

And the cats themselves don't seem to be suffering from it at all. If anything, they think it's a great adventure - well, now that they know the boxes don't mean THEY'RE moving again. So now they just pick a box at random and rub all over the sides of it, as if this action makes the contents of said box their property whenever it is removed from said box. There may be some disappointments in their future in that regard.

We have other tasks to conquer as well. We didn't just combine two households; we are combining two lives. So we have to make everything work as a part of that whole team thing. Money, scheduling, life's random challenges... Lots of areas to cover. We were both already somewhat familiar with each other's financial pictures, so that helps. Oh, the myriad things to consider. I don't remember thinking this hard the last time. Oh, wait. That's because I was young, naive, and thought the marriage was pretty much just that ceremony thing followed by eternal happiness. Right. And then there's reality! I think I stand a much better chance this time around. As a friend said to me recently, second time around is always better. :-)

Holidays, Weight Management, Faith, Fellowship Random Rant

2008-12-30T21:54:00.004-05:00

So the holiday season is REALLY hard on someone trying to battle weight-related health issues. Especially in an office of 100+ people, equally divided between those wanting to help and support you, and those wanting to make the whole world fat, round, and lazy.

I felt a great deal of frustration the week before Christmas when a couple of folks decided "Hey let's have food in the middle of the department every day this week." The email went out for folks to sign up to bring stuff. I replied to All, "Please try to make sure some lighter options make it to the table!"

Sigh. "Lighter" was translated into some other language, not calories. So there was stuff covered in frosting, stuff filled with cream cheese, stuff full of fat and grease... And every single thing had an amazing smell that said, "Kat - you need to eat 5 of me!" Add to this the fact the table is set up smack in the middle of my department - right between me and the fax, to which I travel at least once an hour; right between me and the other three call takers, with whom I communicate face-to-face at least once a day; and eventually right between me and every single thing I needed to do, whether it was really on the way or not. Sigh.

To my chagrin, I did not stick to my guns the way I'd ordered myself to do. I enjoyed every single tidbit I ate, knowing that I would have to work double-hard to keep from losing the momentum I've maintained all this time between Weight Watchers and Jazzercise. Then, to add to my challenge, I had holiday activities with friends and then a cold, that prevented me from attending my meetings and workouts. Sigh.

So, tonight I finally made it back to Weight Watchers for a weigh-in. I was certain I had gained at least three pounds over the past couple of weeks. I'd visited a doctor Friday after work and the scale made an ugly face at me, I'm sure. My chest is still a little funky, so I didn't stay for tonight's meeting, but I was quite relieved to see that I hadn't even gained one pound, much less three. OK, I gained .6 pounds - a gain, but when you consider my lack of control over the last couple of weeks, it's awesome.

I decided to celebrate by allowing myself to eat the nachos I've been craving all day. I went to Taco Bell and ordered the Nachos Belgrande - if I was going to have them, I was going to have a lot of them! I'm still uncomfortably full, by the way.

As I sat in the restaraunt and enjoyed each greasy, cheesy, fatty mouthful, a family of six came in, ordered and sat in the tables next to mine. I didn't want to be rude and listen in on all their conversations, but well, they were right next to me and I had nothing else going on except nacho goodness. I observed that the four children (aged between 9 months and 9 years at a guess) were all very well behaved and well mannered for their ages. The mother was very patient with each one, even with the toddler who decided it was fun to bounce her fists on the hot sauce packets. The father patiently ordered for each of them (which proceeded with amazing efficiency I thought), and brought all the food and drinks over to the family at the table. He sorted out who's food was what and determined that they had several extra food items that they had neither ordered, nor paid for. He took the reciept and the tray with the extras back to the counter to straighten it all out - I noticed the family did not start eating while he was gone. When the cashier realized the error, he said that they couldn't sell the food to someone else now anyway so the family could keep it for free. The man thanked him and sat down. Still no one began eating until all had taken hands and said a brief, simple prayer of thanks for their meal.

It has been made plain before on this blog that I am not a Christian. But, while I have some gripes about the organization of the Christian Church, I have nothing against people who are Christian. I actually respect those who are rooted in their beliefs and endeavor to live well according to their teachings - even if I disagree with them. All day today, some form of spirituality or other has enterred into my space. I've had three separate conversations on the topic with three different people, just today. So in looking over this scene, I felt that I was being given a special gift. The gift was a chance to look at a family unit, functioning as a complete package - mother, father, children, Faith, togetherness and teamwork. They prayed together - as a fanily - in a public place. They were neither ashamed nor afraid for anyone to see that they were praying and giving thanks.

This is how I believe it should be - not just for Christians, but for people of all Faiths. I believe that people of all religions should cheer when they see someone else showing their Faith in public, no matter what religion that Faith is based in. They don't have to agree with the religion - just be respectful of the fact that the other person does agree with it and chooses to live as directed by it.

Now, here is where I get all crazy with the whole "Politically Correct" craze that is running rampant through our society. WTF??? OK, I don't agree with 99.99999% of the religions out there - not even with the one that the largest portion of the US population follows (in one form or another) - but I don't think it's fair for me to demand that no one can say Christmas in school, or use the word God in the pledge of allegiance. I don't think it's fair that because some people aren't Christians, the ones who are can't have a "Christmas" pageant at school. If you're not Christian and you don't want to see it, don't go. Plain and simple. I know there are plenty of other faiths out there that have their own things going on during the "Christmas" season; so hey, why don't the Jewish people all do a "Chanukah" pagenat, and the Kwanzaa people all do a "Kwanzaa" pageant? And if there are scheduling conflicts, why not all work together to make one big pageant that covers everyone's beliefs? Maybe? Anybody? Beuler? I just think the whole "PC" movement has gotten way out of hand. We're so afraid of squashing anybody's individual rights, we've squashed everybody's freedom of speech and freedom of religious expression. And hello? Didn't the country get started in the first place by a bunch of people leaving their home land so they could practice their religion the way they felt was appropriate FOR THEM? (This observation is clearly ignoring the Native Americans who actually were already here and got beaten down into the dirt by these people, but only for the moment - that's a rant for antoher day.) Are we really that stupid as a nation? Apparently so!

{BTW - Kwanzaa doesn't really replace Christmas - it's also not a religion - it means "first fruits of the harvest" and is an African-American observance of traditional African values (family, community, self-improvement, etc.); and it actually runs from 12/26 to 1/1, so there should never be a schedule conflict between Kwanzaa and Christmas. As for Chanukah, it is based on the Jewish calendar, which may or may not fall into conflict with the Georgain calendar used by Christians (and the American government). So the possibility does exist for this to bump schedules with a Christmas pageant, but again I say - how about a cooperative effort? How about taking full advantage of a great opportunity for members of each Faith to share a small taste of their beliefs with each other and maybe even brighten up the dimming light bulbs of acceptance and fellowship? So says the heathen! Go ye and stop being assholes!}

This has been an entirely non-PC public service announcment. :-)

Smart Car

2008-11-25T06:48:00.002-05:00

I found a picture of the car, and even an article about. I found it at http://freecarloansearch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/smart-car. This isn't the whole article, but what's here is pretty interesting.

Small and Smart

The smallest among the small sub-compact car category would be the Smart ForTwo (dubbed simply as “Smart”). Does it automatically mean that the Smart car is the smartest choice for people looking to economize?

The Smart car is roughly a foot longer than an E-Z Go golf cart. This means that the Smart car is even smaller than the famous Mini Cooper by a little more than three feet.

Needless to say, the Smart car houses a very small 1-liter 3-cylinder engine that could give you a very respectable average of 36 MPG (33 city/41 highway). The gas mileage of the Smart Car rivals what Hybrid cars could give but at a bargain price of $11,590 - $16,590 depending on the trim.

Aside from the car’s economy, the Smart ForTwo still manages to house two passengers comfortably. Despite its size, the average passenger won’t feel cramped at all.

2008-11-24T21:45:00.002-05:00

I have to find a picture of the car. I don't know what it's called. but it's even more miniature than a Cooper Mini. It looks like a nose without a face. Really! But a cute nose, if you can picture that. But that isn't even the whole thing that has me in a whirl.

I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and pulled up into the spot next this (my little Isuzu Rodeo actually dwarfed it - ha!). As I pulled up, the proud new owner was climbing out of it. The usual joke here would be a giant of a man squeezed in as tight as can be. But no, the man standing next to the car was just as miniature as the car was. Not a midget, but a dwarf - proportioned like everyone else, but on a smaller scale and none of the apparent physical ailments that plague the life of a midget.

When I saw him standing there, proudly beaming at his automobile, all I could think was "a miniature car for a miniature man." But I had to be polite because he saw me looking the car over and smiled. "It's cute," I said, "and must be amazingly easy on fuel." He beamed even brighter (not sure how, but he did) and responded that it was too new yet to tell for sure, but he thought it would be.

I smiled, nodded, and rushed into the store to buy groceries for my visit with January and Devin (and the fetus) for T-Day. And very carefully did not blurt it out to January while we were talking when I was still shopping.

I have got to find a picture of that car.

Light Travel

2008-11-09T09:44:00.007-05:00

Sometimes when I drive home at night, and I'm crossing the Indian River Lagoon or the Banana River, the lights take me completely away. My own private Bermuda Triangle, but only in my head. There are different lights and they all have a different effect.

Car lights don't stay with you; they either pass you going the other way, or they drop behind you because they aren't able to keep up. These lights make me think of journeys that we each take. Each car is on its own journey, sometimes moving in the same direction as other cars for a time before it veers off in its path and takes another course. I wonder if the other drivers and passengers, like me, wonder what interesting journeys are being taken in all the other cars. Do they, like me, feel a brief, fleeting connection with the other people on the road? Or are they mindless drones, simply in motion because someone said they had to be somewhere other than where they were? Are they going somewhere they really want to be? What destiny awaits them at the other end?

The bridges are all lined with pairs of street lights, high above the road. On clear nights, these appear to be exactly what they are: lights placed on the bridge so we silly humans don't drive off into the water. On nights when it is foggy or very rainy, they are oh so much more than that. Muted and softened, the glow is more like the spirits of those who have passed before, and those yet to come. They stand steady and stoic, awaiting my passage, reassuring me that I am on the right path and that solace awaits me where I am going. I wonder, if I stray from the path will they move to warn me? I envision them darting out of their lines and clustering around to nest me in safety until I am back on the proper course. I do not ever test their willingness to protect me out of respect for their kind guardianship. Sometimes, I feel I should lift up into the sky and ride along directly between the lights; and sometimes, for just a moment, I believe I really can.

Then there are the lights that shine from the houses, businesses and parking lots along the waterways. On clear, calm nights these lights show as dots on land, but their reflections in the water seem to be trying to stretch forever, trying to reach the far shore but always disappearing before they reach it. These lights take me to a memory. I don't remember where I was, or if I even knew or cared. In the memory, I am very small, maybe a toddler - I really am not sure. I am being held by either my Mother or my Father, and they are standing close together. The three of us are looking across water towards a nearby shore. The lights there also appear as dots on land, but as long lines in the water. One of my parents makes a comment that they look "continental." I cannot clearly remember which voice speaks the words, but I can remember thinking that the word "continental" must be something very special indeed because of the emotion that I feel in the voice that has spoken.

Then of course, there are the lights the universe has provided for us. Those beautiful points of light so very far away in our sky. Oh, the places I go when I look at them. I cannot put the right words on this screen. They cannot compare to what my mind and my heart see when I look at them. I picture myself as a tiny mote of light, smaller than the stars, planets, and galaxies appear to our naked eyes. I travel at unimaginable speeds, well beyond what light speed can accomplish. More like tesseract travel, where you fold into nothingness and appear somewhere else less than an instant later. I move among the stars, the planets, galaxies, dust clouds, black holes. I find the places the artists try to create for us and see them for myself. I become one with each place I go, and carry a little of it with me to the next place, and the next and the next. I meet the inhabitants (yes, I believe that other places support life) and feel the wonder of their life experiences. I feel the effects of the passage of time on the solid and astral bodies that I encounter, and dance with them in their ballroom called a Universe.

There is no need for drugs in a mind that can travel to such places, unfettered and unclouded. My heart and mind can take me anywhere I want to be.

Random Picture Day

2008-11-09T09:38:00.003-05:00

Statue at Universal. Really sets off my imagination. Takes me to some pretty cool places. :-)

2008-11-09T09:33:00.001-05:00

Bond going back into the yard to try to shut up Foamy. (These pictures are obviously not in any particular order...)

2008-11-09T09:32:00.000-05:00

Binks finally got a turn in the drink carton box.

2008-11-09T09:30:00.001-05:00

Fay flooded my neigborhood. This is our private walkway to the beach.

2008-11-09T09:28:00.001-05:00

And here's Mr. Bond getting tired of the noise and coming to me for help with shutting up the angry squirrel. I decided to call the squirrel Foamy. I hope he doesn't find any acorns in that tree...

2008-11-09T09:26:00.001-05:00

Can't really see him, but there's an angry squirrel in this tree, barking at Mr. Bond, who is enjoying a rare cool day on the patio.

2008-11-09T09:25:00.003-05:00

Baby Lizard in my bathtub

Nativity

2008-10-15T18:52:00.003-05:00

So I came home from buying things to make my cold better last night and I found a big box from QVC at my door. I haven't ordered anything from them; nor have I ever even watched a QVC program for more than 10 seconds. I wondered if perhaps a family member had taken up the habit.

I walked up to my door and moved the box aside so I could get in with my bags, then went back out for the box. I looked at the name and address, but only the address was mine. I do not know of a neighbor by the name of Matt.

I called the hoomeowners' association today and gave them the name on the box, but Janet (the office manager) didn't find a renter listed by that name. I decided that I would call QVC tonight once I got home.

I got home and putzed around with feeding the fur bellies, feeding myself, and watching TV and finally decided that I should really call about the box. So I dialed the 800 number on the packing envelope and got someone on the phone. She asked what was in the box and I said I hadn't opened it yet. She asked why not and I replied that it wasn't mine. (Is it really such a strange concept that a person might not want to open a package that she knows isn't hers?)

To try and figure out what was up with it, we started with the UPS tracking number which was visible in the window of the envelope. She read all of the tracking info to me, and I verified that the address was mine but I had no idea who Matt was. OK, open just the envelope and read the packing slip for an order number or member number. This revealed that the item was ordered by some family member of Matt's, but nothing about where it really should have gone. Since I've lived in this place since June, this family member is working with some pretty out-dated info.

The Customer Service Rep and I continued to discuss the issue, and she even managed to toss in a friendly "Well, why haven't you ever ordered from us before?", to which I replied that most of the time I can barely buy groceries. By the end of the conversation she had determined that the easiest thing to do was for me to keep the contents of the box because the person who ordered it would be calling any day now to find out why Matt hadn't received it, at which point QVC would promptly send a new one to the correct address.

The conversation continued and I decided to find out just what was in the box. A nativity, in ceramic, very similar to the nativity I grew up with at Mom and Dad's house. Only without hands that were chewed on by the mice living in the attic. The CSR and I decided that this is just more proof that everything happens for a reason. I told her I had lost the nativity my parents had given me when I was married, and that now I at least have one Christmas decoration (long story behind that one that I don't wish to share at the moment).

So Merry Christmas to me, I have a new nativity. Ra Ra Ree.

2008-10-02T20:04:00.000-05:00

Weight Watchers and Jazzercise. I can feel my ass melting away as I type.

2008-09-26T05:26:00.002-05:00

My couch/sofa is currently a double-thick queen size air mattress. While it has a down-side, that being that I've managed to poke it with a few tiny holes, it works very well for midnight "I can't sleep so I'm going to watch a movie" episodes. And a great benefit of that arrangement is that since I no longer have an allergic man around, the fur bellies can climb up there and purr me to sleep while I watch.

Nothing in the world like letting Binks or Mr. Bond, or both, curl up along side me and cuddle and purr and make me forget in a dreamy, kitty-induced stupor.

My next lover/partner/mate will be someone who is a kitty lover too. Or he can keep on walking.

Two Shuttles on the Pad at the Same Time

2008-09-25T08:06:00.000-05:00

A rare occurrence.

Adventures in Weed-Eating

2008-08-05T21:21:00.003-05:00

The Woods has a yard. It isn't a big yard, and most of it is full of a cement pad. But there is an L-shaped section that contains weeds closely resembling grass, and other weeds closely resembling young trees. With the lovely, humid/rainy season upon us here in Central FL, the grass-weeds have taken full advantage of the fact that it is not often dry enough for me to attempt using the weed eater left here by the last tenant.

After work yesterday, I came home and put on long sweats and a grungy t-shirt, picked up a roll of duct tape, and dug the ancient and dilapidated machine out of the outside storage closet. What was the duct tape for? Ah, I see you paid attention! The duct tape had a very special purpose indeed. The last time it was dry enough for me to attempt a weed whacking adventure, I discovered two things to my great dismay. 1--my extension cord is way too short for me to reach the whole yard (there was an interesting arc-shaped area that was trimmed and the rest was knee-high). 2--the handle of the weed eater was only loosely fitted on the shaft and the seam where the two halves met constantly separated and came back together, pinching me each time.

I quickly decided the lawn would not get a proper whacking if I did not repair both issues to the best of my ability. The cord issue was a no-brainer. Buy a second extension cord and put them together. Duh. The handle turned out to be an easy fix as well. Especially since I don't care that the weed eater now looks like something a redneck might use as a stand-in fishing pole. But it works so there.

Oh, yes, it works. Finally done with my repairs (which I survived without either pinching myself or permanently attaching myself to the contraption), I plugged her in and let her rip (literally) into the weeds.

I got one bar of the "L" all done, and was just getting into the really tall, thick stuff that I couldn't reach before when I discovered why you don't get too close to a big oak tree with a weed eater. Whack! GHGHGHGHGHGHGghghghghgh.... (silence).

I turned off the weed eater, let it stop spinning, and unplugged it. I turned it over to see if the noise indicated some problem that I would actually be able to identify. Boy did I identify a problem! The cord was apparently not happy with the oak tree experience and had sucked itself all the way up inside the spooler, much like a frightened turtle. Only without the pee. (But that's a different story. That one's called The Turtle and The Pee, but I haven't written it yet.)

I thought, "Oh, crap, only halfway done here. No owner's manual, no guy around... Great. I have to be Wonder Woman again." So I spun around real fast to groovy, impressive action music from the 70's/80's, donned my patriotic super-wardrobe and my invisible jet and began putting the golden lasso to work.

"What seems to be the problem here? Oh, I see; the cord has been sucked up inside the spooler. Wait, I know a trick for this." Tap, tap, tap. Plug the cord back in and hit the power for a couple of seconds. Turn it off, unplug it again and see how much cord has come out.

None. . . . Hmmm...

Try again. Tap, tap, tap. Plug, power, plug, look. No cord.

I try spinning the spooler manually to see if I can locate the end of the cord within the microscopic gap between the spooler and its casing. Amazingly, Wonder Woman's super eye sight spots the end, and it is very close to the hole where it is supposed to come out. I begin using my Scissors of Amazing Agility and try to wrangle the end of the cord into the hole. After much effort, cursing, and further effort and cursing, the end of the cord is just touching the edge of the hole. I decide it's time to try the tap, tap, power, look game again. I plug the weed eater back in, tap it a couple of times on the cement, and hit the power for just a moment. Holding my breath...

Nope. No cord hanging out. I attempt again for several minutes to pull the spooler out of casing (because I'm sure you should be able to do that) only to find that another section of the cord has come loose of its shoddy wrapping job and is catching on something every time I try to pull the spooler off.

Now Justice League Wonder Woman gets involved and dishes out some swift and serious justice on the section of cord at fault. SNIP! What a surprise, the spooler pulls off with no further resistance! I take a look at how the cord was wrapped, give a tisk-tisk, and pull the remaining cord off so I can replace it with newer cord and wrap it correctly. (Because I know how it should be wrapped after living almost all of my adult/divorced life in apartments with no yards.) I quickly reassemble the weed eater (because the sun is trying to set on me and I'm hot, sweaty and thirsty) and go back to work.

"You did not defeat me!" I say aloud in a very Invader Zim voice, as I observe that not only is the weed eater working again, but it is working much better than it was. Guys, don't worry. I'm not out to take over your places as fixers of all broken things, but I'm also not about to sit around and wait for a guy while my grass reaches my butt. I'll save the heavy-duty, or really disgusting things for you all. :-)

2008-08-05T21:07:00.002-05:00

I walked down to the beach after work today. I haven't done that nearly enough and I really hope I start doing it more often. It's a short walk really, and so beautiful and peaceful.

As I strolled along, parallel to the waves, I watched little sea birds (not sure what they were) scurry among the receding waters and pluck treats from the foam. I immediately thought "sand piper" when I saw them, but since I've never seen a picture that said it was a sandpiper, I have no way of knowing. They were pretty, though. Smallish, a little smaller than a robin, with white bodies, brownish gray wings and black legs and beaks. Watching them run this way and that reminded me of Stratos, my former love bird, and his adorable little skitter across my vanity dresser while I would put on makeup.

I watched the waves as well, but they were rather low swells tonight as the tide was a long way out. The sand caught my eye and my imagination though. As usual, it was dotted with shells of all shapes and sizes (as long as they were smaller than my thumb) and colors. The sand itself was decorated in various colors: green from algae, seaweed, etc., red from something (I'm not sure what - maybe a different kind of algae?), but most fascinating were the hints of gold and white light, as if someone had sprinkled gold and diamond dust all over the sand. It was very subtle, and very striking.

As always, the sky was amazing; giant puffball clouds surrounded me on all sides, but none were overhead. The sky was a bit hazy because it's humid as heck right now, but the sun was starting to descend out to the west (away from the water obviously) and the clouds were just starting to show hints of sunset colors.

I could have stayed out there for hours, but there were things that needed doing, so I came home to get them out of my way.

2008-07-21T05:06:00.000-05:00

2008-07-06T20:55:00.000-05:00

Ann got her Master’s Degree. I’m feeling this high level of pride for her hard work and her accomplishment. We both almost completed Bachelor’s degrees at Christopher Newport College/University, but both got interrupted by life. I tried to go back to school for a while at Thomas Nelson Community College, but life interrupted again (this time I moved). Ann managed to get all the way through the rest of her Bachelor’s and move right on through to the Master’s in one steady stream this time around. I still haven’t gotten the wind back under me for another round of school, but I know I will do it once I set my mind to it again.

So I went home. There was no way I was missing the chance to see my sister walk across the stage to get her Master’s Degree. Yaw and I flew up to Virginia and stayed at Pat’s house. Both feeling under the weather already, we had a very turbulent flight up. The air pressure in the cabin was constantly changing because the pilot had to keep changing altitudes in an attempt to get us to calmer air. It didn’t work, but at least he tried. By the time we landed, our already tender sinuses and ears were throbbing and we could barely hear each other whine about it.

Once we got to Pat’s and got settled in, we both took pain meds and conked out until about 10 a.m. I had all these great plans for visiting with old friends up in VA, but couldn’t shake the headache that greeted me in the morning. Finally, we gave up on any plans and just hung around the house with Pat and her family. It was a nice evening, just not the one I’d planned on.

Graduation day came and we left ahead of Pat and the gang because I needed to stop at Target. Between Target and the Interstate, I got lost twice – in Virginia Beach, where traffic is murder on a good day. We were all supposed to meet at Rob’s house and caravan over to the convention center where the ceremony would be, so that we could all sit together as a family. Yeah, that worked. Uh-huh. We were supposed to be at Rob’s at 1:00. I got to Richmond at 2:00 and rushed to find parking and scurry 4 blocks (maybe only 3?) to the convention center on high heels. Fortunately the flag-bearers were only just doing their thing when we arrived.

I was relieved to be in my seat and settled when the first speaker came up and made a speech, then the other speakers did their thing, then finally the graduates were brought up. Doctorate Degrees went first, then Master’s, then Bachelor’s and finally Associates. I was surprised to see that the longest list of graduates was in the Master’s Degree section; I expected the longest list to be the Bachelor’s Degree section.

After Ann received her degree I lost interest in the ceremony itself and took to people watching. Eventually, Rob and Pat and their respective gangs also lost interest and wandered towards the back of the hall. Yaw and I joined them and played catch-up quietly until the ceremony ended and we were all able to leave. Now that it was over, I wasn’t concerned about the appearance of my feet, so off went the shoes and Yaw and I jogged to the car, trying to avoid getting too wet. Damp and winded, (yes, after only a few blocks – it was hot!), we made our way to Rob’s house for a family celebration. I had hoped that after dinner, we could try again to escape and visit my old friends, but once again, the headache and general fatigue of being unwell kept me down. We went back to Pat’s and spent another evening with them.

Sunday came and we spent the day deciding if we were going to visit with my parents (they didn’t pick up when I called them) or if we would join Pat’s family at the Norfolk Botanical Garden. I’ve lived most of my life in VA and never visited the place once, even though it’s supposed to be the highest rated rose garden in the U.S. Mom and Dad did call back, though, so we went and spent the afternoon with them. Mom food was quickly provided and we ate what we could, which as usual was too much. I wasn’t even hungry until I walked into her kitchen door. Sigh. Mom food: What would the world be without it?

The flight home was much smoother, thank goodness. Home at about 11 p.m. and back to work at 8 a.m. And the move continues...