Dear Florida;

In case you wondering, your residents do not really expect to be sitting around in fuzzy socks, thick pajama pj's and a hoody inside their houses. They do not expect to need the side of the thermostat that reads H-E-A-T. Your winter is behaving much too ... wintry. We'd appreciate if you'd fix it.

Awake late at night

Why is it that when I find myself unable to sleep at night, and I can't roll over and hold onto Yaw, all the things that come to me are from the dark? Only the negative thoughts and emotions seem to be willing to join me when I lie awake alone at night.

In the day, I can find that positive view that keeps me moving, flowing, doing whatever needs/has to be done. Deep in the night, I feel the darkness press in and make itself more real - and by doing that, it also makes itself more surreal.

I've been awake for about 2 hours now - it's about 4:30. I tried reading for a while, which helped. Then I dozed off and thought, "Great, I can go back to sleep." Well, not exactly. Once the light was off and I was snugged back in the blankets, the thoughts rolled back in to pester and pick at me.

"Go away, " I told them. "I have to rest for my long work day tomorrow." No cooperation - they piled up higher.

"Things aren't that bad," I said to myself. "They only seem like that in the night time. Get some rest."

I reached within myself, looking for the bright shiny light that chases them away. I remembered I used to help DJ when he was small and had visitors in the night that would tease and pinch him. I sought within myself for the power to chase away my own night visitors. They seem to be more stubborn when they're your own visitors.

I thought, "OK, I should think about positive, happy things. That will help." I proceeded to think about my day - it was Christmas yesterday and I got to speak to most of my family and spent time with Yaw and his Godparents, which I enjoyed. Then all I could think of was, "But I didn't get to come home and spend the rest of the day relaxing with Yaw until bedtime, and we're still not living under the same roof. And I didn't have the energy to drive to Melbourne to visit with my friends Katy and Bill, whom I really wished to see. And and and and and..."

Some of this, maybe a lot of it, is cyclic, and will hopefully dissipate once hormones finish their torture on my body and spirit for the month. The cleansing. Should be any time now, so relief may be in sight.

But the thoughts are still here for now, and they don't seem to be stepping aside. In about 30 minutes, my alarm will sound, telling me to take my vertigo medicine. I have to take it really early because I will be either asleep or just loopy for at least 2 hours after I take it. This gives me time to get that out of my system so I can be up and moving in time to get to work by 8:30.

Going to be a long day, too. 8:30 - 5 because very few people were willing to work the day after Christmas and I'm the new kid, so I get hours they won't work. Not that the hours are bad. I used to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week before the vertigo came. But that was in a chair, with a one-hour lunch break, and now I'm on my feet on a cement floor the whole time. My body hasn't quite gotten used to that part. I've mostly adjusted to working through that midday nap crash - with the help of Rhodiola - but my body still gets very abused by being forced to stand up all day. I do what I can to make it easier - take potty breaks and use the opportunity to stretch out muscles and pop my back. When I get home, if I can muster the energy, I fill a hot bath and soak away the aches in my feet and back as much as I can - need to walk over to CVS on one of my breaks and buy some Epsom salts. I really need someone to massage my feet for me - I do a pseudo massage on my feet while I'm soaking, but massage is one of those things best delivered by someone else. I've taught January some of the Thai stretching I learned in Massage school, and that helps too. But it still hurts and takes me the whole night to get beyond it and able to move properly again. And I really feel like that should not be the case.

A friend did a personal reading on me about a month ago. She told me I'm not supposed to be where I am working. I chose the diplomatic "I agree" response over the knee-jerk "No shit" response. She told me to check out some place near here - an intersection with a shopping center. I did - there's a chiropractor with a massage therapist. They were running a special. If I had the money, I would have scheduled the first available appointment right then. I wanted to get a massage because I need one, but I also wanted to get a feel for the place and meet the person. My friend seemed to think the location involved a way to help me get my license sooner. I didn't think just walking in and talking to the person would be the right thing to do. But now I have the location, and I can try to save up for a massage and see what the deal is.

Hmmm... Ten minutes till the medicine alarm. Think I'll take them now and turn that one off. My thoughts feel a little more positive now, so maybe I'll be able to rest a little more tonight.

I happily admit that I have no freaking clue what's going on. That usually isn't a happy thing for me...

What's on my mind?

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. So, life's been an interesting adventure.

I found the vertigo made it impossible to return to any kind of job that required me to be in front of a computer all day long. This fact severely limited my options for work once I left the too-big-for-a-soul company.

After leaving the wonderful 3-bedroom apartment behind, Yaw and I moved a bunch of stuff into storage, and gave away or sold everything except what we could each keep in one closet - or in Yaw's case, several closets in various friends' houses. I admit I'm not a girlie kind of girl anymore, but I am still a girl, and somehow it just seems wrong that I have one closet worth of clothes, and he has about six.

Anyway. Some friends put me up for a while, and now I am staying with January and her new husband, Giles. This means I also have the pleasure of Nixon, who is now 20 months, I think (I'm horrible at this type of data retention), and is in full toddler mode. I occasionally watch his antics and raise my arms in the air, shouting, "Drunken Master!" I'm sure not everyone will find this amusing, but I see quite a lot of similarity between toddler antics and drunk people (and me when my vertigo is in full spin).

The other great thing is that I'm surrounded by cats (sometimes more of a challenging thing...), two of which are kittens named "Him" (yes really) and "Magdalena." Him is my buddy and snuggles with me on the sofa, or sometimes uses me as a scratching post/chew toy/ladder from the floor to the sofa. I try to keep the latter selections to a minimum - with minimal success.

The down side of living here is that Yaw can very rarely visit with me, much less live here with me. He is staying with other friends, and we do not always have good ways to communicate, which is highly frustrating to say the least. I know this is temporary, but for now it seems like we will never be in the same home together again. And, frankly I miss that a lot. I look forward to our complete reunion anxiously, and not very patiently.

As much as I never wanted to do this, I also went back to work for McD's because I needed some kind of income to live on. I help out around the house, and am happy to help with Nixon when I can, but the last thing I want is to be a burden on anyone, so getting even this part-time minimum-wage job is a huge blessing right now. And I don't feel nearly as much like an invalid knowing that I can go out in the world and function.

Studies for the MT license exam continue, but I really need to just find out how to schedule the test and get it done with. If I wait much longer, I'll feel like the 40-Year-Old Virgin when I walk in to take the exam.

I miss my family. I look forward to seeing Pat's gang tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I would have liked to be able to head up North and see everyone up there, but it just isn't possible right now. They want me to come up for Christmas, and I don't see that happening, either. I've just started at McD's - this is my second week - I'm low man on the totem pole and besides that, I really can't afford the trip. But I really do want to see them again very soon. And my boys, Binks and Mr. Bond. Just because I have lots of cats around me, don't think for a second that I don't miss them with every breath.

I think that's everything on my mind right now. Wish I had some amazingly deep thoughts to share, but this is all I have the energy for, and am surprised I've even spent this much time sitting down to key it on the netbook.

Hope everyone out there has a great Thanksgiving, surrounded by love and loved ones and filled to the gills with yummy eats.

A Mother's Grief Made Worse by Facebook

On behalf of a good friend, I am posting a link to her blog. If you lose or have lost a loved one who has a facebook page, please read the following blog and the comments from other readers prior to deciding to memorialize that page.

http://katylynnsays.blogspot.com/2010/10/facebook-stole-my-daughters-words.html

Thank you.

Intention

I left the house this morning with a few stops planned, and positive intentions for the activities I'd planned for those stops.

Of the series of stops, only one was successful - partially. It seems even if you have set a strong, positive intention, the universe's intention will override yours and you're stuck with it.

I'll try the blocked intentions again on Monday. Maybe the universe just didn't want me to accomplish those things today.

Dumb Me

Tonight I was being a selfish idiot, and now that I realize this, I will suck it up and take advantage of another set of life's crazy hidden gifts.

Yaw and I have moved, not so much by choice as by the puppet strings of the Universe - the narrator behind the scenes is whispering "Hey - that's not where you're supposed to be. Over there - go over there." So the puppetteer moves us over to somewhere else. I don't mind that very much; it's all part of the adventure.

I mind being tired. I am mentally and physically exhausted by all that has happened recently, and by the work that I know remains. In order to keep pace, I have had to push my limits beyond what my illness has allowed. Add to that a brief visit yesterday with my best friend and her husband - a visit to the beach that didn't turn out as planned and ended up at a pub in town; a surprise invite to my niece's wedding today and an afternoon and evening spent with her and most of my sister's family; and a surprise phone call from my cousin who lives 6 hours away stating she'll be in my area tomorrow and wants to have dinner.

What I'm being an idiot about is this. When I came into the house tonight, the first words out of my mouth were terribly negative. Rather than focusing on the fact that I have all these amazing people wanting to spend time with me while they can, all I could say is "Why are you all doing this NOW?" How amazingly shelfish and unappreciative! How can I be such a bloody idiot? I should be jumping for joy at the chance to see them - especially since it is so rare I get to spend time with any of them at all. How can I be so selfish as to say that they shouldn't all want to see me at once?

I'm just dumb sometimes. Really. Really. Dumb.

Dispelling the Dreams

I know the Lorazepam affects my dreams. They were always crazy from time to time, but not so regularly crazy as they’ve been since I’ve been on this medication. Dreams are very important to me, though; especially certain kinds of dreams that have always had meaning that corresponded to my waking life.

What is surprising to me is that I have not had one of my infamous tornado dreams. I have come to realize that in my dreams a tornado symbolizes massive change in my life that will take me out of my comfort zone. Well, if this isn’t one of those times, I’m a little leery to think about the next time I have a tornado dream. I am most definitely stepping outside my comfort zone right now.

Dreams I’ve had lately have been along the lines of things that I like turning into things I fear (a hand full of kittens turned into a handful of biting spiders), or quests being constantly sabotaged by persons I’m supposed to trust.

Last night I had a combination quest/house dream. I interpret houses as the spiritual center in my dreams. Usually I am in my own house looking for answers to something within myself. Sometimes I am in someone else’s house, seeking a way to make peace with them. The house I was in last night was neither mine, nor one of someone I knew. It was clearly a house that had once been proud and beautiful, but that had undergone some destructive event that left walls half fallen and holes in the ceiling that looked out on grey-clouded skies. The light within the house was neither warm nor welcoming. The staff within were bedraggled, but still attempted to put on the show of being top-notch at their duties. The place seemed depressed and attempted to draw me into its lethargy.

I don’t know why I was in this particular house, but it was in some way necessary for me to be there while I prepared for an important event in my life. In the dream, the event was an Ed Sullivan-era TV show where was I supposed to do something – not sure if it was specifically a singing gig or something else. My older sister was there with her two youngest daughters. I thought she was there to help me, but she kept doing things that delayed me or caused havoc that threatened to ruin my appearance. I believe something was done to cause an irreparable wrinkle on my very delicate skirt. A wall outlet powering all my hair implements was turned off while I was in the middle of curling my hair. Being busy with the task, I didn’t notice until I realized the curling irons were not hot. I was due on the set in seconds.

The thing with these dreams is that I haven’t been able to work out a way to remember the outcome or solution when I wake. I’ve been able identify them as dreams while they are in process, and sometimes move parts of them in a more favorable direction. Last night, I think I was beginning to move them to my advantage, but my memory of the dream cuts off before the resolution comes out. I do not remember getting on the stage, only standing ready in the wings while being announced. I am spending this morning building the ending of the dream so that it will hopefully help shape the outcome of whatever event it is foretelling.

To dispel the fear, discomfort, anger, lethargy, and other negative energies, I am envisioning the curling irons working properly without the use of electricity, but with my own will to power them. My hair is flat where I want it flat, and curled where I want it curled. My skirt is turned to the side where the wrinkle is not visible – the skirt is of a style where the front, back and sides are not obvious. I am standing confidently while “Ed” announces the young woman whose music has filled the nation’s heart with love and peace. Before I step out I speak a prayer to the universe, to my ancestors, and my guides to aid my goal of healing the negative energy. As I enter the stage, the crowd is hushed, not knowing what to expect. When the music starts, and I begin to sing, I breathe out not notes, but chords of peace, beauty and love, sharing them with all the crowd, all the nation, and all the world. I let the positive energies spread and strengthen until the whole planet is paused in peace and joy. And when I finish the crowd is still silent, lost in the peace they feel for just a little longer.

And as it happens with healing energy, the peace brought to others is also present within me, making my passage through this time away from my comfort zone a little more bearable. Let it be so.

Yes!

Today, I gave myself a choice. I decided to walk again - first time since we came back from VA and NC. During my visit with Mara, she and I took a long stroll with Luna, her dog. By long, I mean 1 mile. Not so long in terms of my hasher friends, but twice as long as what I've been achieving at home. On a hilly road, even.

So the choice I gave myself this morning was: 1) walk my normal route twice, which would equal one mile; or 2) walk my normal route once but at twice the speed.

I took the second option. Twice the speed, mind you, is still much too slow to keep up with the slowest of my Hashing friends, but is still quite enough to get my heart pumping and my lungs working harder.

I felt so exhilarated! And sweaty. But sweaty is good. I don't like being sweaty, as I've stated before, but I do understand the need to sweat, and the valuable purpose sweating serves for our bodies. I'm also pretty quick to shower it off after I've finished doing whatever caused me to sweat. (Side note: I accidentally typed "swear" just now, which sweating can sometimes cause me to do.)

So my whole point with this morning's ramble is that I feel like I've made a great accomplishment today. This, along with starting a slow ween off of my vertigo meds, is my way of fighting back at all the crap that is trying to prevent me from living a normal life. I am DONE with sitting around with my head spinning, telling my friends and family, "No I can't do that because I'm dizzy," and feeling more and more angry and depressed about it all.

There are way too many things causing me to choose a less active lifestyle right now for me to let this bloody head of mine add one more thing to the mix. If I can lick this, then I can work on the other things, and finally be myself again!

GO ME!

Home from VA. Exhausted. Dizzy. Tried to go to bed, but now that I'm here, I can't get to sleep. The apartment is too empty without Binks and Mr. Bond in it.

Too silent.

Even the noises from the elephant people upstairs don't fill the silence quite right.

I know they are safe, but my heart is broken. I have given away my children again.

It is better to tell me the real reason you are doing something than to try blowing smoke up my rear with a bunch of nonsense that you know I will see through.

I am not an idiot.

3:45 a.m.

Reading friends' blogs, thinking about other friends who used to blog, thinking about painting my nails... nah... thinking about the chocolate chip cookies I made with only 1/2 the ingredients... yeah, I should eat another one...

Thinking about life and its crazy-mad way of fulfilling your wishes in such unexpected ways. "They" always say to be careful what you wish for. Whoever "they" are, "they" might be on to something.

There are large transformations going on throughout the world right now, and I'm only one of the billions of people feeling it. Most aren't aware that it's a worldwide, and even Universal, transformation. Many aren't even aware that they themselves are in transformation. Some of those might not even realize they have transformed after it's complete. My ex-husband used to say that he often wished he could be fat, dumb, and happy. At the time, he was none of those. I hope that if he is going through transformation as well, that he at least gets the happy part right.

Mr. Bond is sleeping at my feet, watching me spin in the chair and type at the same time - because it's not enough that being on the computer still makes me dizzy after a while; I now have a chair that spins nicely, so I can make myself dizzy using two methods at once. I'm a genius!

Bond snores; sometimes very softly like right now, and other times with amazing volume that reminds me of my Dad. The soft snoring is very soothing to me, almost as soothing as when he purrs. Apparently, it's still not enough to put me back to sleep.

It's now 4:01 a.m. I have eaten my cookie and drunk my glass of milk. I am debating a second helping of each, but don't want to be gluttonous. Spinning in my chair a little further, I realize Binks has curled himself up just behind my chair. He does not snore as far as I know. When he purrs, it is a powerful rumble. He is my tiny panther in more ways than one - but not in bravery. There, he's more like a huge rat scurrying into dark corners whenever something might be threatening.

My cats. My babies. How can I give them up? It breaks my heart every time I think about it. You'd think I had really given birth to them. At least they're going to family, and not some horrible shelter. I could never forgive myself for that.

I should try to sleep - I do feel tired - but my brain won't shut up. Usually, meditation will take me back down, but tonight, that wouldn't come to me either. I'll try to read a few pages, and hope to fall asleep, waking at 6 with the book on my chest or in my armpit, and my reading glasses dangling off the side of my face.

Everything will work itself out somehow. I know that. It always does. But I have always hated the part in the middle - the part between learning that a change has happened, is happening, or is going to happen; and getting to the other side of the change when everything settles back down again. The adventure part of it - I love that. The part I don't love is the mundane crap that has to be handled to make the adventure part happen. Just give me the discovery, the adventure, and the end. Let someone else handle the mundane crap for once.

It's now 4:18 and I think I'll try that reading thing again.

Elephant People

So, there's a herd of elephant people living in the apartment above us. I've decided the largest one is the toddler or small child that is among them.

They occasionally also entertain me with colorful, loud, and physically active arguments. They love to slam doors. I find the peaceful wind chimes hanging on their door to be very ironic. It seems this is the only peaceful thing about the entire arrangement up there - and it's on the OUTSIDE of their door. Perhaps its purpose is to try and send peace into their apartment whenever they enter. I don't believe it has had any effect whatsoever.

I guess I can deal with it just a little longer, though.

Vertigo Schmertigo

I've had it. I'm over it. I'm done with it.

If only it were done with me.

Since May 26, I've had a constant battle raging with this dysfunction, that for most people doesn't last more than a couple of weeks. I've just been ordered by my doctor to remain home for another month. That puts my new return to work date at September 15. I have not been to work since June 7 (except for a few failed short days that I tried in July).

The first specialist did some testing that confirmed the positional kind of vertigo and stopped there, giving me exercises to do, and saying they should make the dizziness go away. They didn't. He persisted that meds wouldn't help and I persisted that his exercises didn't help. I told him the attempt to work a few hours a day failed miserably. He finally decided to send me to an ear and balance specialist.

The ear and balance specialist ran all the same tests, then ran some that the first guy missed. They were weird. Yaw came with me and watched the monitor as the technician attached goggles to me and covered the lenses. She then blew air into my ears. Cold air on the left, cold are on the right. While the air blew, she asked me to list things alphabetically, like girl names and boys names, etc. Then she did the same thing, using warm air this time.

The test showed that my left ear is functioning at 30% less than my right ear. Yaw noted afterwards that he could tell when I was dizzy because my voice got breathless and my eyes would do this weird wiggly/zigzag thing. I could tell I was dizzy - I didn't need a machine or monitor or even Yaw to tell me that. Why couldn't they just listen to me!?

Anyway, the test proved what they were looking for, so I got a script for meds and more time off from work - because work says they can't give me anything to do that doesn't require a computer. I guess they don't want me following the maintenance guy around and handing him screwdrivers or whatever.

Doc said give the new meds two weeks, which I did. STILL DIZZY. I called his office and said I had two days left until I was supposed to go back to work, and I was still dizzy. A couple of phone calls later, I had a new script called in to the pharmacy and paperwork sent to metlife to extend my time off - until September 15.

While I'm glad I don't have to deal with the stress at the giant company that doesn't care about me, I'm really annoyed, depressed, frustrated, whatever, about being stuck in my apartment AGAIN for another whole month. Blast it all.

The new meds would be awesome if I were suffering from insomnia. I can count on being unconscious for two hours after I take them. Which may be why I'm delaying the dose I was supposed to take an hour ago. Wanted to be functional just a little longer before going back into la-la land. But I can't delay any longer. Too much time typing this has already put me into a spin. Nap-time, here I come.

Look out.

Icky Spider 2010

Yesterday, Yaw and I stopped over by the storage unit to make sure we had a working key before borrowing a van to empty it out. (I thought I'd accidentally turned mine in with the old apartment keys, but I later found I still had it.) We pulled up next to the entrance and Yaw got out to test the keys he had. I looked down at the radio, then back up to watch his progress from my window. I almost rolled the window down, but decided not to.

Then it showed up on the window. I wish I had the wits to take a picture. For the briefest moment, the purely objective part of my brain looked at it in wonder and said, "What a beautiful specimen!" About the time "specimen" was forming in my mind, the rest of me - the part that is terrified by even the tiniest spider - caught on to what was on the window and took over the reaction.

EEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!! I still haven't quite figured out how I managed it, but somehow I found myself halfway into the driver's seat while still securely fastened into the passenger seat's belt. There it was - about half the size of my hand altogether. The body was the size of the end of my thumb, from knuckle to tip; the legs were as long as my fingers. I could see it's scary mandible eaty thingies wiggling hungrily as it gazed at me with all its tiny eyes.

I attempted, rather bravely I thought, to tap the window and scare it away. It thought my hand would make a tasty snack and followed it around. I'm certain it was looking for the way into the inside of the car. I was not putting up with that. Thinking fast, I honked the horn and pointed at the spider. Yaw did not immediately respond, so I honked again, waited to see him look, and pointed again at the horrible creature. Yaw was too far away to see it clearly, and I wasn't opening any windows to tell him, just in case the spider had a friend nearby. I waved my hand around and pointed again at the spider.

Yaw decided to move closer to the car to see what I was so excited about. He finally spotted where my finger was pointed and made his way around to the driver's side of the car. He didn't seem to notice any other monstrous arachnids on that side, so I cracked the window.

He said, "It's on the outside of the car. It can't get you. Stop panicking."

I replied in the most calm voice I could muster, "GET IT OFF THE CAR!"

He had me pass him his nifty cane that was in the back seat. (Here's where all the bravery comes out.) He walked around the car, keeping a fair distance. He reached forward as far as he could - arm and cane length - and attempted to nudge the spider. It did not nudge. He tapped lightly, which sent me into fair histrionics - that was glass, with a giant spider attached. I didn't want either falling into the car on me. He realized this wasn't working, about the time the spider started moving towards the edge of the car door.

Now, anyone who has read my earlier blogs will note that one of the things that freaks me out about spiders is the fact that they can squeeze their icky bodies through impossibly small spaces. My mind immediately recited a scenario where said icky spider did exactly that and got inside the car. The freak-out-ometer was clearly going through the roof and Yaw could see this. He could also see, as clearly as I could, that the spider was not going to go peacefully about its way. It wanted IN. He attempted to mash the spider against the edge of the door.

He got part of it - I could see a piece of leg or something fall off. While the sympathetic part of me felt horrible that the spider was now suffering from a lost limb, the rest of me was just ticked the thing wasn't dead yet. I have this thing with spiders. I understand they serve a purpose in this world, and I respect that. However, smart spiders know better than to serve their purpose anywhere that I might possibly see them. Those that are not smart enough, or are too bold (like this one) are summarily destroyed. Eat all the bugs you want, spiders; just don't come out where I can see you. It's an agreement I made with Spiders in general as soon as I could form coherent thought. The spider screwed up, and was even a bold jerk about it. It had to die.

When Yaw partially mashed it, the spider suddenly achieved light speed and dashed up to the top of the car, and headed straight towards the back end. Yaw followed, still at a respectable distance - now the spider was wounded, so it was going to be more dangerous. He attempted to mash it again, but it was too quick this time. It dashed down the car and disappeared underneath. Not satisfied (and knowing I would never get out of the car if there was any remote chance it was still on it somewhere), he had me slowly move the car forward - since I had removed the passenger seat belt and was all the way in the driver's seat now, I complied. I rolled the car forward and backward a couple of times, hoping the spider was on the tire, and would get mushed by the action. Yaw didn't see it anywhere. Great.

He finished his task with the keys, checked around the car one more time for the spider, and got in the passenger side. He convinced me to drive home (across the parking lot) and we discussed how to ensure the spider would be removed. We decided that he would get me out of the car at home and then he'd take the car through the drive-through car-wash that has an undercarriage wash. We got to our new building, he got out and checked for the spider, then escorted me to the door. He went and washed the car and returned, reporting that he did the undercarriage wash, and still never saw any further sign of the spider.

This happened yesterday afternoon, and my eyes are just beginning to de-bug-eye from the experience. The new meds I'm taking for vertigo have a rare side effect - one that if it happens, I must immediately seek medical attention. That side effect is hallucinations. I can see it now. That side effect will decide to happen, and I'll see this huge, icky, bold, scary spider everywhere I look. Someone save me from the spiders! Someone save me from my brain!

Within the flame, I do not burn.

I am adding to its heat.

I am its heat.

Within the cold, I do not freeze.

It's frigid pain cannot reach within me

Or dampen the flame.

There is no heat or cold I cannot endure.

I will crawl through hell and back

And will still remain myself.

I will crawl through hell and back

And at the end of the journey

There will be you.

Some of My Favorite Things - No Particular Order

The sky - with or without clouds, day or night, all seasons

Cats - especially cats who are purring and cuddly

Laughter of babies and small children

Intelligent conversation

The play of light and dark in art or in the world (which is the essence of art...)

Color - see above

Trees - covered with beautiful leaves and/or blossoms, or bare and solemn, all seasons

Looking at the sky through a canopy of leaves

Holding my husband's hand

Hugging my loved ones

I may have left things out, but these are on my mind right now. In five minutes, I'll probably have a completely different list. :-)

Focus for Root Chakra Healing

Ger - Cycle of Seasons

Nyd - Inner Stregnth

Feoh - Working Towards Success

Wyn - Acknowledgment / Closeness to god/gods

Eoh - Rebirth / Endurance

Ing - Conclusion

The Square and Circle represent the Root Chakra itself, as does the color red. The choice of black and silver for the symbols is based solely on aesthetics. I happened to be very fond of the three colors in combination.

It is important to note that the descriptions given above for the Runes on this focus depict only the short and simple description of the facet of each rune that I felt applied to the purposes of the Root Chakra. Like most symbols, runes bear multiple meanings and the translation of those meanings is dependent upon circumstance and the person doing the translation. Another person might interpret this focus completely differently, and that is fine with me as long as it is used for good purposes.

Creativity

Since I have been stuck at home going stir crazy between dizzy spells, I decided that one of my prayers had actually been answered. One thing I have lacked lately is time. Now I have it in abundance, although I still have to fit any activities in between the dizzy spells.

So what do I do with my time? I use it for creative expression. There hasn't been time in my life for art or music since I started massage school on top of the full-time job at the giant company. While massage itself is a creative expression, and I've enjoyed it immensely, I have missed being able to do things like paint and color.

So now that I am a little less dizzy, I have dug out my pencils, paints, coloring books, and canvases. My art has been a dual purpose expression. I have created a canvas piece that will only mean something to someone who is familiar with both Chakra work, and with the Northern Futhark of Norse Runes. What I created is a focus piece for working on the Root Chakra. I have found it very helpful. I will download a photo of it so if anyone else is in need, perhaps they can make use of it as well.

The coloring books I dug out are not what most people will expect. Not Disney movie themes or Barbie or Transformers - I would color those if I had them, but these are more my style. For Christmas one year, Yaw gave me two coloring books by an artist named Denise Suazo Shoemake. They are mature, artistic themes, intended to be colored with pencils or markers. I use pencils mostly because I love how they blend. Anyone who knows me well, knows I also love to do Doodle Art posters, but at the moment, I don't have sufficient space for that size of a picture. I gave several of them to my nieces and nephew a while back, but I kept a few that I still want to complete.

Once my head clears up and I can get back to work and school (oy), I will work hard to complete everything that is required of me, so that I can eventually reach the point where massage is my career, and then I'll have more time for these things. I look forward to it with great anticipation. :-)

Mud in My Head

May 26th, I passed out at work. "Passed out" isn't really the best way to describe what happened - I never lost consciousness. I was awake, and aware of my surroundings. I was not able to clearly communicate and my head weighed about a million pounds. It was not pleasant. Yaw took me to the emergency on the recommendation of the paramedics who came and checked me out.

The emergency room, in their typical way, listened to precisely two words I said to them: cough medicine. They blamed the whole event on some Robetussin I was taking for an annoying cough and said I should stop taking it. I did, and went back to work after an extended Memorial Day weekend. Five days total, and I felt A LITTLE better, but definitely still had weird-head going on.

I mucked through as well as I could, but on June 7, it struck again - and at work again. This time Yaw wasn't there, so Deb drove me home. When Yaw found out, he called on a friend to drag me out to the doctor for examination. This doctor listened to a lot more words, and even attempted to listen to some recordings I'd made of recent things in my medical life. Attempted, but didn't succeed. I wasn't clear enough to explain how to get the phone on speaker mode, so they couldn't hear it; so they didn't try anymore. However, they did come up with a diagnosis - vertigo - and gave me more time off from work and a prescription. I started the prescription, which basically just knocked me on my butt all day every day.

Then I reacted to the prescription. OH. JOY. Stop the prescription, go on corticosteroids for the rash, and try something else for the vertigo. Something else is Dramamine. Again, knocks me on my butt, but I have to take it about every 4 hours. Nope.

Up to this point, I'd been through heart monitors, lung X-rays, blood tests, and more blood tests. They did some of the simpler vertigo tests on me and said my eyes didn't do what they were looking for. They sent me for a CT scan, which - like everything else up to this point - came out NORMAL. Well, something somewhere is NOT NORMAL or my head wouldn't be like this.

Next step - ENT specialist. More nifty tests. Did those Wednesday. This time they made me dizzy on purpose. Only one of the tests really made me feel dizzy, but hopefully it showed them what they were looking for. I'm in wait-mode right now. I go back Monday for results with the doc and hopefully a plan of action. At this point, I've been out of work 9 business days. Working on FMLA / Short Term Disability. Not sure when this will end, but from what Ann tells me, it'll come and go.

OH. JOY.

Thanks, Blogger!

New Template Designer is excellent! Much more freedom for me to express my own creative style!

Okay, I know it's been a long time since I posted something. I haven't forgotten my blog, I'm just too busy with school (which is going very well) and with working full time (which is getting very old) and with helping Yaw work out business in between. Not much time for very much else. And housework is right out!

Left

Left wanting.
Left waiting.
Left wondering.
Wondering "Why?"
Wondering "Why not?"
Wondering "How?" "Who?" "When?"
Left on my own,
In the dark,
In the light.
Left to wonder,
To wander,
In the night.
Where will it lead?
When will it end?
What will there be,
Beyond the final bend?
How will I cope when
There is no more hope?
Who will I be then,
When I am left?
Left on my own.
Left once again.

Frozen Tide

The sky is lightening outside
And I am darkening inside
Come hold me now
Bring peace to me now

Wrap me in your loving arms
and chase away this frozen tide
this cold outside
this cold inside

Wrap me in your loving arms
and chase away
this frozen
tide

Tomatoes and Sherry

When cooking with tomatoes and tomato-based sauces, always use a little Sherry Cooking Wine and some Rosemary. You just have to.

The Indian River Lagoon greeted me this evening with mirror-still waters as I crossed the bridge coming home from school. So beautiful. Thank you.

Hey, wonderful Blogger people. I'm bored with all these templates. I've played with the colors and re-arranged screens, and modified and modified and modified. Can we get some more groovy options, please?

Someone recently commented when I was speeding forward in my Cube, "Go gerbils, go!" I politely corrected her, stating, "They're not gerbils, thank you very much. They're Russian Dwarf Hamsters. Much cuter than gerbils."

2:18 a.m. The house is quiet. TV noise would just annoy me right now. The apartment complex is quiet around me. Very peaceful. At moments like this, though, I really miss my place on the Cape, where I could open my windows and hear the ocean., or step out into my tiny yard and look through the trees up at the stars. Here, I have to walk out into the parking lot to see the stars. Worth doing, but I feel very exposed and vulnerable out there by myself. Cats, as adorable as they are, are not effective protectors in such a situation. But they make great foot warmers while I'm typing - when I can get them to stay on the ottoman for me. :-)