It's Back

I hesitated to state that: It's back.  The vertigo is back.  I had hoped it was just a short little relapse because I'd overworked myself a bit.  


Seven days ago while I was at work, I started feeling a little fuzzy-headed.  I thought it was just the usual thing that happens if I wait a little too long to eat; I thought it would go away after I had lunch.  I had a good, satisfying lunch and went back to work, but it didn't go away.  


I ended up leaving work three hours early.  I hoped that I would be over it the next time I was scheduled to work (two days later), but I had to call out for that day.  The next day, I attempted to go in because I didn't feel dizzy in the morning. It hit again as soon as business picked up and I had to be more on my toes. I lasted an hour and fifteen minutes that day.  Not what I had hoped for.


The dizziness has gone up and down since then.  Yesterday I did manage to work a few hours, but it was Sunday, which is pretty slow, and even then I had to take it really easy.  By 2:00 when my shift was over, I was ready to come home and take a nap.  


I have to keep working somehow, but my job is pretty hard on my body which causes me stress over my plans to start this mobile massage business.  I've entertained the possibility that the vertigo is being triggered by stress. Other ideas I've entertained are shifts in weather patterns (seasonal changes), physical strain from certain types of movement, stiffness in my neck and shoulders, and deep inner ear infections (my ears occasionally pop like I'm on an airplane).  


Each of these ideas has been entertained because there was something of the sort going on at one time or another while I suffered from vertigo.  The reason I can't really seem to pin it on anything particular is that these conditions all also exist in varying degrees when I do not feel the effects of vertigo; and none of them are present every single time it shows up.  The medical community, even the more specialized doctor I saw during that big long fiasco of the first appearance, is equally mystified as to the cause.  "It could be this. We've seen it caused by this. There's no way it can be because of that."  Mixed responses exist for the various possible causes of vertigo, depending on which doctor or medical organization is speaking. 


I haven't visited a doctor for this recurrence. So far, I don't see the point.  They're just going to run their tests and prescribe me the drugs that make me muzzy headed and force me to sleep more.  Well, with the exception of last night, sleep is something I have definitely not been missing out on.  


I have some exercises I found online which are supposed to help a person with vertigo maintain balance even when the vertigo is active.  The overview states that they seem easy when you read the instructions, but when you factor in the mixed signals that happen in your brain while vertigo is doing its thing, they become much more difficult to complete.  I have to say I agree with that.  Oh boy.  But I'm hopeful that they will work for me.  


If not, I am completely out of ideas.

Nixon's Love

Nixon and I had one of those moments this afternoon when I was given a reminder about why I love him so much, even though he's a devilish little imp most of the time. I was sitting on the couch feeling tired and dizzy (and tired of being dizzy) and asked him for a hug. At first he said no because he was too busy jumping on the couch (making me more dizzy), but after a few minutes he came over and said "Hug, Nana?". So I got my hug and he decided to hang around on my lap for a while, telling me about the fast dinosaurs coming through the trees. Then his face got very serious, like he was concentrating deeply on solving the world's problems. When I asked him what he was thinking about, he said "Trains. On a track." I smiled at him and he said, "No, Nana. Trains on a track." Then he smiled back and the whole world was filled with love and light.

All Growed Up

I love being an adult because no one can tell me I'm not allowed to make my whole dinner out of a big pile of mashed potatoes covered in the left over cheese sauce from January's awesome homemade macaroni and cheese. I have a happy in my mouth and my tummy! :-)

I dreamed almost a whole movie last night.  I may have to write it.  It looked like a good sci-fi idea, even if it only turns out to be the kind of B-movie my Sis and I like to watch together.

Heart

It's a heart.  Treasure it as if it were you own.  That way, it's much more difficult to break it. 

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap111111.html


So, the link above actually helped me remember some of what I was thinking yesterday.  


The main thing was, "Hey, I turn 45 in a few days."  Does that bother me?  Should that bother me?  


Not on your life! Or mine for that matter. I have always said, and fully believe that our "age" is just a number.  My body is somewhat older and a bit less cooperative, but my spirit remains young and strong. 


So on one side, this birthday is a milestone (in my crazy youth, I never really expected to live this long). And on the other side, it's sort of just another day.  I still want it to be special, because I'm me and I like special. But it isn't really all that big a deal.  The photo in the link up there helped me remember why it's not really a big deal.


That's a galaxy, people.  A GALAXY. And not the Milky Way galaxy, which is where our tiny little planet lives.  M83 is about 15,000 light years from Earth. I'm not sure how hold M83 is, but our own galaxy is about 13 billion years old.  13,000,000,000. Nine zeros. After the 13.


So, how can I really be all that excited about turning 45 when there are things in this Universe which have been there so long that I can't even fathom their age? 


But, hey. I still want to celebrate.  Why not? 

Yesterday, I had lots of big and little thoughts in my head.  One of them was, "These thoughts are perfect to post on my blog."  


However, I had quite the full day yesterday, and no time to sit and type those thoughts up.  


So this is what you get instead.  :-P  




Goldfish Brain!

Gotta be me.  It's who I am.

There's no point wondering how things would have been "if". They're not - because "if" didn't happen.

Or did it?

Okay, world. Hard way it is. Watch your back.

Sigh. It's 2:30 AM and awake but sleepy, and I'm missing you like crazy. My mind is running away - worrying, hoping, wanting you to be here to make it better, or just make it go away.

Or maybe, just wanting you to be here.

Ah. There's that blue sky I was hoping to see.

Please and thank you.

Got the license. Thank you.

Put in my first application, was called within 24 hours, had an interview, did a practical. They said, "We're doing your background check and we'll call you by Friday."

Friday passed. On Monday, I called to speak to the woman who interviewed me. She doesn't work Mondays, no offer to send me to voice mail. On Tuesday I called again. She had just stepped out of the office. I left a voice mail.

Another Friday passed, and I called and left another voice mail: Do you need more info? Something I can clarify for you?

It's Monday again, and I haven't heard back. I've started looking for the next option and putting in other applications.

I have a house picked out to rent, and an action plan to get the funds to make that happen. Just need a job and a letter showing my projected income. I have other places that interest me, if the house falls through.

I just want to get this life moving forward again, Universe, and would appreciate more help and less resistance. Please and thank you.

Missing you. Loving you. Missing you more...

Massage License Call

Today I had a conference call with the Florida Board of Massage Therapists to determine if my application for a Massage Therapy License would be approved. The call began promptly at 11 a.m. and I was released from the call at 1:36 p.m. (The call continued but my part was over.) The license was approved, which is what all my friends and family want to know, but I thought the call itself deserved a mention because of just what all happened in the 2 hours and 35 minutes leading up to that.

No, the Board did not spend all that time discussing just my application. The time spent on my application during the call amounted to less than a minute. Thankfully.

Here's a synopsis of what did come before me: The first "tab" as they called it was a decision whether to permanently revoke the license of a person who is currently serving out a 15 year sentence for sexual battery - on a client at the massage studio where he was working part time. They voted unanimously to revoke the license.

The second tab was to revisit a second-time appeal to a denied application for a person who had quite an interesting history in the massage world. The initial application was denied because it was discovered that the person had been practicing unlicensed, but represented herself as licensed. Further discussion showed that she had submitted more than one application, with conflicting information provided on crucial points. Also, she had worked in a massage establishment (not in Florida) with a known history of sexual misconduct. It was also disclosed that the school she attended was never actually a massage school at all. The Board unanimously voted to uphold their original decision. This decision was reached about 35 minutes into the call.

After this, the decisions and discussions became much more muddy. January joined me in the room to listen to what was going on, because it was all just crazy to me. For the next two hours, minus a 10-minute break, they debated back and forth over what seemed to be the same thing, but paused a couple of times for motions. I won't go into what this was about, but I will say it felt like I was listening to a verbal tennis match on acid. Then there was the one board member whose sole purpose in life seems to be to vote opposite of whatever everyone else says.

But there were a number of people who all benefited from the last of these debates because it resulted in the approval of several more applications based on the outcome of that one discussion.

Finally, they got to the easier cases. They said my name, I stated I was present, and they pulled up my file. As soon as the file was open, someone spoke up and moved to approve my application unencumbered. Two people immediately seconded, a vote followed and without pause was approved unanimously.

Hallelujah!

So, I am approved, and should have my license either later today or tomorrow. I'm guessing it will be tomorrow since the call was still in progress when I said "Thank you" and hung up.

Buster's Still Got It

My car recently passed the 50,000 mile mark. I responded to this event with, "Crap. There goes my LTV." (Loan to Value)

I just checked my loan balance against a "Good" rating on kbb.com and was quite relieved to find that I still have a little wiggle room before my payments flip upside down.

I don't plan to sell my car any time soon, but would like for the value to stay above the loan balance for as long as possible. So all I can say right now is WHEW!

Grinch Has the Answer!

I was just thinking, while waiting for my nail polish to dry. Because that's pretty much all you can do while waiting for nail polish to dry, unless you want everything around you to match your nails.

So what craziness was I thinking? Well, I'll tell you. My first husband, Dave had a tendency to want to limit how many and which people we hung around with, or became close friends with. Any time I made a new friend on my own, he disapproved, and actually asked me a few times why I felt like I needed more friends.

Being the (mostly) friendly and open person that I am, it is natural for me to start finding common interests and having deeper conversations with people whom I spend more than a little time around. Doing this tends to cause me to have a few friends with whom I am very close, rather than tons of friends who only touch the surface. While I still have lots of "surface" friends, I am very drawn to those who become close and want to communicate with them as much as we can manage.

Dave is a self-proclaimed "social dinosaur" who does not particularly wish to have more than one or two close friends, and everyone else falls into the group in which he "hates everybody equally."

I tried several times in our relationship to explain to him why I needed to be so friendly. I would reply that my heart was too small to have only him in it. I couldn't explain it clearly to him and usually resorted to the useless and (usually) untrue statement, "You wouldn't understand." Maybe he would have understand if I could just think of a way to express it clearly.

This morning I was thinking about how to explain that. I was actually thinking about the Grinch when it came to me. See, I knew the chorus was good for me in more ways than just a musical outlet! (We're singing a song from that movie this year.) You know how the story says that the Grinch's heart was too small? And how it grew and grew once he let himself be open to the love and joy of the residents of Whoville? That's it!

The heart, soul, spiritual being connects to other beings, and by doing so it gains depth; it expands further out into the universe, into the oneness that brings us all together. By staying remote and remaining only within in ourselves, we are not able to reach out into that oneness. We remain small and singular, and thus get all our love, joy, comfort, etc. only from within, or from whatever soul happens to be the only outside source.

So by saying that my heart was too small to only hold Dave in it, what I really meant was that I didn't want it to be only him and me in it. I wanted to somehow reach out into that connected oneness that is the whole spiritual universe that I knew existed. To do that, you have to open yourself up, let others in, and share yourself with others. That's how it works, and I really can't think of a better way to say it.

Grinch had the explanation all along, which is really ironic since Dave liked to be more Grinchy than anyone I knew. I wonder if he stepped out of that little shell and learned to share in the world around him? I hope so. It would be an awful waste if he didn't.

Perfect Timing

At work the other day, a plumber had to come fix something for us. I hadn't seen him yet, but knew that someone was in the restaurant doing some work.

Some girls up in the counter area were having a discussion about the baby one of them is having. She is white, the daddy is black, and her nickname happens to be "Panda". Someone said that she was going to have a baby panda, too, because of the mixed races (1/2 black and 1/2 white). That comment was followed by someone putting out the old, worn out, "Once you go black, you'll never go back."

This, of course, set me off. I have had boyfriends, lovers and yes, even husbands throughout my life - relationships which were based, not on color or race or culture. These relationships were based on who that person was and who I was. (Except for Dennis, whom my parents forbade me to date during high school, because they didn't want me to be called a "nigger lover". Yes, really.)

So, my immediate reply was, "Wait just a minute. I am married to a black man, but that doesn't mean that if something happened, and I lost him, I wouldn't find myself with a white man, or some other race the next time around."

As I was finishing the sentence, I turned from the fry vat to walk over to the counter and finally looked up to see what was blocking my path. It was the plumber: a tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed mountain of yummy. And he was looking at me and smiling.

I don't often turn red in the face, except from physical exertion, but I'm pretty sure Santa would have looked pale next to me at that moment.

If all I looked for were physical beauty, he'd be it. But I also looked in his eyes, not just at them, and I'm sure from that and from a brief interaction later in the day, that he would have fit in my world somewhere if things ever came to that, not because of what he looks like, the color of his skin or any of that. Because the person I saw behind those eyes, and the person who spoke to me, felt like the kind of person with whom I can relate.

It could be that on further interaction I find this to be untrue, but that's not the point. The point is the person that I am is not just what people see physically - the 44-yr-old who is overweight and whose body is not happy with her current job. I am the person who loves nature, the world, space, who looks up at the sky and says, "There is my church!", and wants very badly to be back in the same home with her husband. You are the person who loves what you love, who believes what you believe, who desires what you desire, who works through your struggles.

We are WHO we are and not WHAT we are.

(And that guy was really yummy to look at.) ;-p

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...

Conversation Overheard at a Restaurant - OR - The Red Lobster Story

I was eating lunch today and overheard a conversation at the table behind me. It was interesting and I wanted to share it, but remember that these are someone else's words, not mine. I have no opinion on the final statement!

"So have you heard the Red Lobster story?"

"No, but I bet it's good knowing you."

"Well I was passing through [some city] Alabama on my way to Mississippi and we had to stop at a motel over night. We hadn't eaten all day and hadn't seen any places on the road we were on. We asked at the office and they said the nearest place was 4 miles away."

(Note that I don't know how they came to be without a car, but somehow or other they were at this motel without one.)

"(Some name) didn't want to walk 4 miles for dinner so she said to have a blast and bring her something back. We headed off through the woods in the general direction we were told to go. Coming out onto a road, I almost got run over by a tow truck. We decided to call the group that was ahead of us to see if they had reached it yet, and they said 'When you reach the burning car you're almost there.' "

General laughter follows.

"I was confused and asked if that was a bar near the restaurant and they said, 'No, it's an actual burning car.' We reached that point and sure enough there was a car, still burning, but pretty much down to just framework. Sitting right in the middle of the road."

"Alabama you said?"

"Yeah."

"See? I told you nothing good ever came out of Alabama."

When I dream of you, and I wake to find you aren't really here, I miss you all the more.

Sigh.

Let It In

Soft tears fall, rolling gently by.
As fears resurface, and bring some that are new.
Remembered hurts, better forgotten, better forgiven.
Remembered shame, sorrow, bitterness.
Better left long in the past.

What is coming next?
Is tomorrow any better? Worse?
Is the best I've seen really the best that will ever be?


Trying to remember better things.
Tomorrow is unknown, unknowable.
Tomorrow is promise, hope, happiness.
Reach out for tomorrow.
Reach out for light.
Know it is there.
Joy is there.
Love is there.
Love is here.
Reach out and accept it. Let it in.

Let it in.

And remember always to let it out, too.

A Not-So-Happy Anniversary Survived, and Other News

Yesterday, May 26, was the one-year anniversary of my first episode of vertigo. I still have it, but it comes and goes now, and I've stopped taking the medication the doctor gave me - by force. I ran out, and without insurance I can't really afford to go back to him for more of it. I've saved about 5 pills for emergencies and that's it.

I've been off the meds for about two weeks. I had whittled down my use to only on days that I work, so I stretched it out as long as possible. I think that also made the transition to stopping them a little easier, though it was still pretty rough for the first week and a half. I seem to be stabilized now and feel normal most of the time again.

But what I'm really glad about is that I'm confident that the vertigo will stay at bay now as long as I watch for certain triggers. I know that too much time on the computer is still an issue for me. And suddenly changing the direction of my visual focus doesn't work out too great either, although that is quite a bit better than it was. I don't like watching movies or TV shows where they spin or jiggle the camera too much, and I am still staying away from roller coasters - for now. I truly hope to be able to return to that adventure some day, but I want to be off the meds for a good long time before I risk that again. And that really sucks, since I'm right here in Orlando, theme-park central! Grrrr.

I did some additional research on vertigo and learned that massage of the neck and shoulders has been found to be helpful for some patients. Interesting discovery. And I read this about the same time that Jennifer, my former anatomy instructor - now friend, and I worked out a deal for me to get massages from her every couple of weeks in exchange for her getting them when needed. Apparently I need a lot more work than she does. :-)

I have to say there's a noticeable difference in my overall state already and I've only had the first two massages. I knew I missed getting massaged after leaving school, but holy smokes! Jennifer is a skilled deep tissue therapist and also does energy work, so she and I go very well together in a massage room. Whichever one is on the table is getting a double whammy from the other, and it works out great. She is working out stresses and use issues (like standing on cement all day and looking up at an order screen) that I knew were there but had no idea how bad they had gotten. And as always, a good therapist will find issues you didn't know you had and help those too. And she does! :-)

With my licensing exam just around the corner, I've been very stressed and nervous, trying to keep all this info in my head (and stuff some forgotten tidbits back in there), not wanting to waste the money my sister and niece were so generous to give me for the purpose. The exam is this coming Wednesday. I know I should follow the advice I just gave to my step-daughter for her school exams: Study what you need to study, rest when you need to rest, and trust your instincts. At the moment I'm having a crazy instinct to run screaming into the hills.

So, that's the news for now. Once I have the exam under my belt, and I get my license, I have my eyes on a place to apply that actually employs the MT, and offers some benefits and a salary. I've been looking at them online for a while, and I spoke to someone in the office. I was going to get a massage, to see their process from the client side, but need to wait a little longer for the funds. The first one's a good deal - $39 for an hour. Their going rate is $70, I think. They do all the advertising and equip the rooms and such - I'm responsible for my own licensing and insurance. Guess I better start looking into that - need to know how much it's going to cost me.

Well That Was Fun

Earlier today, I was sitting at the computer in the living room when Giles came in the front door. He took a look at me and stood transfixed with a blank expression (except for wide eyes) until January entered behind him. At this juncture, he changed his position only enough to extend one digit in my direction, continuing to gawk idiotically at me.

January spent a moment taking in the scene with slight grin on her face, then exclaimed, "Hey! Why does Nana have hijab? I want a hijab!"

Then, I went out because I had errands to run, still in the state in which January and Giles found me because I'm not done with this yet. I went to Publix to pick up coffee and creamer before I could run out and scare January again. I had to park at the back end of the lot and walk up to the building. At least two drivers nearly rammed other cars because they were looking at my head instead of using theirs. In Publix, I was greeted with friendly but confused expressions. People clearly weren't sure how to treat me.

What is this all about? It comes down to one simple thing, which not too long ago would have been assumed, rather than a change in religious beliefs. I had my hair up in clips and put a scarf on my head to keep it all covered up until I'm ready to take it down. January, I know was simply amused and was playing with me, which amused me.

Everyone else I encountered, not so much. To them, I say. Get over it. It's a scarf over rolled up hair. I'm not going to speak a foreign language at you or preach to you about what you consider to be a heathen god (even though it's really the same god, but I'm not going there right now).

To the cashier and bagger who assisted me, I say, "Way to keep up friendly and professional behavior." They behaved exactly the same as they did with the customers before me and after me and didn't give me crazy confused looks.

The adventure isn't exactly over yet, but at least I know what to expect when I drive over to Cocoa for today's Red Dress Run with BVDHHH. Of course, I'll be taking it down before the hash begins, but I'm sure a few people will see me before I reach that point. Or maybe I'll leave it on as part of my outfit... On-On with a Hijab-On!

April Fool All Day

Today's energy was really weird and not very good for a lot of people. For me, it started with discovering a major road on the way to work was blocked off because there had been a shootout and an officer was shot and someone (not the officer?) died. Then, while that was still going on, some guy got himself arrested by the cops working the blocked intersection, and was laid out on the road with handcuffs with more cops called to the scene to assist - I'm not sure why they were needed except to cart they guy off to jail, but apparently it takes 5 more cars and all those extra bodies to carry one guy away. I have no idea what caused the arrest.

Work itself was very challenging today, not just because it was a long shift. It was a long shift where most of our equipment was barely limping along and the place was very crowded with customers. Thankfully, very few of those customers got upset at us, understanding that things had gone awry due to having lost power for 12 hours yesterday during a thunderstorm. I have to say, though, that the owner's wife and I should be awarded medals for keeping up with the flow of customers in spite of everything. We gave each other a High-5 at the end of the day and joked about finding a happy hour involving lots of martinis and chocolate chip cookies. So at least it ended well. ;-)

Smile for the Day

I had occasion to smile at a young boy in my line at work the other day. I would have smiled at him anyway; that's just part of good customer service. But I think even if I had been disinclined to deliver the sparkly-eyed smile that customers typically get from me, I would have smiled at this little boy.

He was very bubbly and excited about something other than getting a happy meal with a toy. I asked why he was so happy and he said (eyes huge like saucers), "I went to the doctor today and he gave me a Spider-Man sticker!"

I smiled the rest of day each time I thought about that little boy.

I'll take a customer like that any day.

A Quiet Love

I feel a deep and quiet love
that reaches out to you.
I send this love to heal your hurts,
your sorrows and your fears.
Grief will come to you,
but perhaps I can ease it.
Sorrow and pain will be
evident at every turn,
But perhaps I can keep them
at bay for a while.
I will send you love;
I will send you healing.
I will send you hope for
recovery and, in time, the return of joy.
Your ancient and modern
world will continue to shine;
You will continue to show us all
what it is to be beautiful and strong.

Peace.

I've decided to re-ignite some of my inner fire. I've gone too long without a musical outlet, so I've been looking up local community-based choirs. I'm going to try to join one and see if it helps pull me out of my funk.

I'm not sure where all my friends got the impression that I'm OK with being alone all the time. It's extremely untrue. Especially right now.

I'm not strong right now. I'm not happy right now. I'm not feeling like being alone is a good thing for me right now. And yes, I know that I'm not really alone - I have my niece and her husband and her son, and they do wonderful things to help me. And I appreciate every single bit of it. And there's that whole Universe thing out there.

That's not what I mean. I don't know if I can really express what I mean. I just feel like I've been forgotten by people who used to be such a big part of my life. I don't expect everyone in my world to put me at the top of their list - I don't even expect my closest friend to put me at the top of her list - or anywhere on it if they don't want to. But I would think that someone who used to say I was like a sister would make a little effort when it's clear that I really want some face time before that option is gone. So maybe I'm not so much like a sister anymore.

Just so everyone knows, I am not the loner people seem to think I am. I love people and I need my friends to remember me, even if they can't get out to see me. Just a few words. "Hey, I'm thinking about you." They mean so much.

Music Day

So, I put on my headphones and turned on the iPod feature of my iPhone. I usually use this to help me sleep by playing Merlin's Magic, but today I decided to rock out a bit. I'm in my room withh the door closed, but the volume is all the way up as I sing along full voice with songs like Zombie, What's Up, Jagged Little Pill, Wasted Time - pretty much anything that requires belting at the top of your lungs and head banging during interludes.

Head banging is sitll a little bit of a problem with the vertigo, but I am so stoked on belting that I just hope Nixon and the TV are making enough noise to cover me up so January and Giles don't come in and laugh at me.

I do love to sing. :-P

If you don't have any money, don't go out to eat. I think that's a pretty simple concept. Apparently it does not apply to others, just to me.

Paws.

Soft padding, pointy claws, now only stubs.

Making biscuits in blankets, on my tummy.

Purring, soft and low; gentle murmurs.

I remember your seal whiskers, and a face of black on black on black.

Peering out from dark corners.

I remember your pink nose in a face of black and white.

Eager to walk in the light.

At night, in dreams, you are the kittens that used to fight in my lap.

Midnight steam roller and grey puffball. Power and elegance.

Binks and Mr. Bond. My boys. My babies. My missing ones.