Human

I'd like to start this day (yes, I know it's noon) by saying that I love my fellow humans - all of them.  And I am thankful for all of them.  Each and every human has a purpose, whether or not it is visible to the rest of us or even to ourselves.  I wanted to start with this statement because it has reminded me that even though I still have a headache, and I continue to face the challenge of finding a place to work as a massage therapist, or start my own business up, I have a whole planet full of beautiful, wonderful, crazy humans who are all going through their own challenges or issues, and we all are one being. Whether by evolution, design, or complete randomness, we are one synergistic being that moves and functions for some purpose that is beyond our comprehension. We live, we die, we hurt, we heal, we help, we abandon, and we are. And I love us. Have a good day, and remember that whoever is front of you is a part of you.  Love yourself. 

Birthday

My birthday was a few days ago, and I spent it quietly enjoying family and looking through the tiny museum here in the county's center. I enjoyed seeing the sun shine brilliantly on the yellowed leaves of trees, seeing how they shined as gold or copper with the sun's help.  They were beautiful.  

Today, I gave myself my birthday present.  In the past this has been something like a new haircut, a new outfit, something like that.  Not this time.  Today I decided my present to myself was to go watch the movie no one wanted to watch with me.  I admit that part of my desire to see it was so that I could have closure for the series of movies it completed. (Twilight - Breaking Dawn Part 2)  

Having watched it, I was very glad I had done it.  The rest of the series was good, even considering the story line is centered around sparkly vampires and teen angst that lasts centuries long.  But the finale piece, the final movie, makes seeing all the movies that lead up to it worth while.  Also necessary, since much of it won't make sense if you don't know the back story. 

Usually I watch a movie and say, that was nice but the books gave me a lot more info.  This one for the most part was the same, but I watched certain scenes and thought, "I don't remember getting nearly this involved during this part of the book." I liked that moment.  I love books, and I always prefer to read a book prior to watching the movie that's based on it.  But that was a nice moment to experience. And it was a good present to myself.  Thank you, me!  

What Would I Change?

What would I change, if I could change one thing about myself?  I'm going shallow here, and surprisingly, it's not about my weight.  While I would appreciate being a more healthy size, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as one other thing:  body hair.  

I have apparently inherited it from both sides of my family tree. Sure, the long, lush eyelashes are wonderful. I hardly need to wear makeup for them to be noticed (but I still do because I do like to flaunt what I have).  But that same gene also seems to control the length (oh god help me) of my nose hair.  Yes, I said it.  I have long, luxurious nose hair in nostrils the size of caverns. I would love to be rid of this, or at the very least, have it stay politely inside its cave like well behaved nose hair does.  

And that's not all.  Whiskers on chin and lip.  I have nanny goat hairs that, even with regular plucking, creep up and surprise me just when I think I'm looking sexy and might actually try to get that cute guy's attention.  Of course, I have the usual hair, too.  Legs, down there.  You know.  But then there's the hobbit foot hair on my toes and the tops of my feet.  What is with that?  I'm a girl. 

If I could change one thing about myself, physically, it would be that I could control where and how all of this hair grows.  I would take all this erroneous hair and shift its location and texture to my head, which thankfully is not thinning, but is also not terribly thick.  It would be awesome to wake up today and say, I want my hair to be six feet long (might be inconvenient since I'm only 5'2", but I could make it braid itself, so no worries). Then tomorrow, I can shrink it back and keep a trim, off the collar look with lots of layers and contours.  And it would naturally stay exactly where I tell it to be, and after being blown by an enticing breeze, would return exactly to its ideal location. 

I would ensure that I have hair only on my head, eyelashes and eyebrows.  Otherwise, I would be smooth as a baby's bottom. 

I will say, however that there are two specific features of the hair on my head that I would leave exactly as they are:  my "stripe", the one stripe of gray just to the right of the other feature - my widow's peak. Those can stay.  

Broken

In sleep, I dream of you.
Haunted, never left alone.
I awake with your deep brown eyes burned into my vision.
Your eyelashes echoed in negative over everything I see. 
There are tears in your eyes, 
But they are mine.
I seek solace, but cannot turn to you.
Your spirit is torn and frayed.
Instead, I find myself wishing to repair
The rent I've left behind
In my own tortured departure. 
I know there is more damage 
Than what I have created; 
So much of it is part of why I left. 
I want to heal myself. 
I want to heal you. 
I cannot heal either of us. 
We must, for now, both remain
Broken. 

Bleh

Nothing really much to say today.  Just really missing Florida right now.  It's beautiful here, with Autumn colors painting the trees, and clear blue skies above them.  But it's not Florida.  It's not the Cape. And it's not warm.  I don't want the hot, just the warm.  

I am being whiny, I know.  All my Florida friends are posting things about the lovely temperatures, and spending time at the beach (in October), and so on.  And it's making me miss being there very much. 

And as much as I try to suppress my feelings on the matter, my heart is still living there.

Socks

I was wearing these socks the other evening to keep my toes warm, because, well, this is Virginia and my feet get cold here.

Dad looked at my feet and started laughing and saying things like, "Where'd you get those crazy pink socks?"

I said, "Mom gave them to me a long time ago."  

Dad looked at my feet again and said, "I can see why she wanted to get rid of them."  

I guess my fashion statement days are on a hiatus.  

Autumn Moon

There's a little bit of Autumn showing in the trees here and there. Enjoying that and looking forward to more. And last night, there was a gorgeous moon peaking out of silver clouds - one you would expect only in October. If it had been full, I would have expected to hear a werewolf howling at it.

{I originally titled this post Autumn Moonshine, but realized I was not speaking of any kind of alcohol - though it would have been interesting.  :-) }   

Resounding silence, into which my mind writes volumes.  

If you want me to stay, you will have to prove it.  You will have to fight to keep me this time, not the other way around.  I have fought enough battles to keep you at my side, and have never left yours until now.  

If you want me, fight for me.

Speaking of Truth

In truth, am I really any different?  Any more honest or truthful with you or with myself?  

Can I honestly say that my requests or demands are any less self serving than your refusal to agree to them? 

I say that I cannot live with the lies, the lack of commitment, the lack of attention, or of support.  

Have I given you the same things I asked of you?  Have I actually earned these things that I claim I deserve?

I don't know.  I don't know if I can live with you, and I don't know if I can live without you.  

I am completely at odds with you and with myself.  And the chaos in my life is no less than it was when we were together.  I was sure if I let you go, that the chaos would recede.  

I try to let go the control, and find it clinging desperately to my spirit like a dog with separation anxiety. 

And I just don't know what to do about it. 

True Words

"You can't have me the way you want me, and I can't have you the way I want you.  That's what this is all about."

I actually said those words to you the last time we stood face to face. And they are true, no matter how much we each want them to be false.

And the fact that I have to write them here, and remind myself that they are true, means that I am still not at peace with my own decision.  Maybe that's why everything is still in limbo.

My soul is longing for the secret of the sea,
And the heart of the great ocean sends a pulse through me. 
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I still am not dealing well with not having the wedding band on my finger. It seems so silly to be so hung up on this.

Elephants

Having always subscribed to the idea that one can eat an entire elephant one bite at a time, I have decided that my current list of elephants is large in both number and size. So, I need more mouths, all of which need to be larger than my current one. Having decided this, I will now take a nap. Good afternoon.

Mistake

Last night I felt very weak emotionally.  I remember you saying that you think I am so strong.  Last night I was not that person at all.  Today I am not much better.  In fact, I may be much worse.

But before bed last night, I missed you so much, my hand felt so naked, I took my wedding band out of its box and put it back on my finger. There it was, the simple, beautiful band of white gold, back where it belonged on my ring finger.  It felt so right. I wanted you back in my life so much.

I know that won't work though.  It never did, no matter how much I wanted it to, and it's never going to.  It was a mistake to put it on.  It wasn't a mistake to love you - that's never a mistake, and I don't regret it. But I can't have it. I can't have you - not the way I want.

So, today I am feeling very weepy and sad, and trying to come up with things to keep myself busy; to distract me from the nakedness on my hand, the big hole in the middle of my soul. There is no sun out today, which isn't helping at all.  And I'm not helped at all by the fact that I am steadily working on planning and paying for the trip down to get the rest of my stuff - where I am supposed to see you again.  Something I want, but not in this way.

Sigh.  Moving on should be so easy at this point.  It's been so long since everything fell apart, you'd think I'd already be done and over this.  It will come, I know.  Here I go, telling myself as always, to just keep breathing. Today, it doesn't feel like quite enough.

Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogelberg

I'm not sure exactly why, but I feel like at least part of this song fits me very well right now.  


Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogelberg
Met my old lover in the grocery store 
The snow was falling Christmas Eve 
I stole behind her in the frozen foods 
And I touched her on the sleeve 

She didn't recognize the face at first 
But then her eyes flew open wide 
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse 
And we laughed until we cried 

We took her groceries to the checkout stand 
The food was totalled up and bagged 
We stood there lost in our embarrassment 
As the conversation dragged 

We went to have ourselves a drink or two 
But couldn't find an open bar 
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store 
And we drank it in her car 

We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now 
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness but neither one knew how 

She said she'd married her an architect 
Who kept her warm and safe and dry 
She would have liked to say she loved the man 
But she didn't like to lie 

I said the years had been a friend to her 
And that her eyes were still as blue 
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I saw doubt or gratitude 
She said she saw me in the record stores 
And that I must be doing well 
I said the audience was heavenly but the traveling was hell 

We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now 
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness but neither one knew how 
We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to time 
Reliving in our eloquence, another 'auld lang syne' 

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired 
And running out of things to say 
She gave a kiss to me as I got out and I watched her drive away 
Just for a moment I was back at school 
And felt that old familiar pain 
And as I turned to make my way back home 
The snow turned in to rain... 

Grave Stone for My Boys

I finally got this painted around the end of July and put out there between the graves for Mr. Bond and Binks. It took a while to finish it once I started because the loss of them became so overwhelmingly real that I couldn't get a brush stroke in without stopping to cry for a minute. 

I chose the black and white coloring because both cats were mostly black with white.  Mr. Bond was a tuxedo, and Binks was black everywhere except for a heart shaped spot on his underbelly, and a tiny spot on his throat. 

I miss them every day.  They were my babies.  My little fur bellies.  My Tiny Panther and my Danger Cat. Even with all the other cats around me, nothing fills this hole in my heart. 

Matter

Feeling some aggravation today about how little I matter.  I don't even matter enough for you to make time to get me out of your life? Come on, now. 

Excerpt from an article I read on MSN.com this a.m. I don't really worry about this sort of thing, but there was a picture of my car on the teaser for the article, so I took a look. And then I laughed. 

WHAT DOES YOUR RIDE SAY ABOUT YOU?

Nissan Cube

If you're cruising around in a Cube, chances are you're young and social. "The younger generation seems to like boxes to drive around in," McManus says. For instance, in the 1960s and '70s, teenagers cruised in vans outfitted with booming stereos. The Cube serves the same purpose for today's youth. "When I see them driving around, the earth is usually vibrating," McManus says. "[The drivers] aren't rappers, but they're wannabes."

I really think I need to hate you for a little while, just so I can stop thinking about how much I miss you.  I don't want to miss you.  But I don't want to deal with you anymore, either.  Damn you. You've turned me into an Italian love story.

I was thinking this morning, while figuring out how many trays of lettuce, cucumbers, steak, etc. we would need for the day.  As I was counting out what we had on hand, I mentally drifted into Sesame Street mode and began counting like The Count. Then I thought, you know there is a very large population in this country who learned to count from an OCD vampire that neither sparkles, nor shuns the light, nor sucks the blood out of people while we watch.  What's with that? 

Trying for Happy

I awoke this morning in a very sad state, and allowed myself some fall-apart time while I waited for my coffee to brew.  Then I decided that I can't stay in this state of mind.  Yes, I need to allow some of it so that I can wash it out of myself and heal.  But I can't stay like this for too long or I will become depressed and then I will be useless to the people who need me.

So I wiped the tears out of my eyes (and tried to chase down the ones rolling into my ears), and got up.  Since then, I've been on Facebook catching up on people who have good news to share, and rejoicing in their triumphs.

And I've been texting with someone very dear to me, who has excellent news which I will be able to share at a later date, but for now it is just between a few close people.  I look forward to the day I get to shout the news to the world.  It will make me very happy.  In the meantime, I will hold it close to me, and remember it every time I feel like being sad.

Something Else

Driving home from work today, I noticed a house for rent that has a screened porch on the back.  My first thought was, "That would be awesome for the cats!"  Sigh.  Then I cried some more. 


In less than 2 months, I've gone from having a husband and two cats, to having none of the above. WTF? I've been thinking that if this is the Universe doing it's house-cleaning thing to make room for something else, it had better be something damned good, or I'm going to be really pissed.

Binks

Tonight, Binks started having the same breathing trouble that Mr. Bond had the day he died.  Ann and I wrapped him in a towel and drove to the emergency vet with him.  Binks survived the trip, thankfully, unlike Mr. Bond.  The vet took chest X-rays and diagnosed congestive heart failure.  Considering his age (12 years) and the fact that his brother died of the same symptoms, I decided to put him to rest rather than attempt to maintain him. There just wasn't enough of a chance that he would be able to have a good life, even if he made it through the next 24 hours.

So, he is now laid to rest almost head to head with Mr. Bond, out in the woods beyond the barn.  I've still never painted Mr. Bond's head stone, so now I guess I'll paint both sides of it - one for each brother.

I am thankful that this time, at least, I was able to be there with my baby when he went to the other side of the veil.  I was able to hold him and pet him while he went to sleep, and gave him a kiss good night.

I would like very much if now things can stop being taken away from me.  Whatever I am being prepared for, enough is enough already.  Let me breathe, please!

Where The Ring Used To Be

Where the ring used to be, there is an indentation in my finger.  Not a tan line - I clearly haven't had much sun.  But there is a clear indentation all the way around my finger that shows that there used to be a ring there.


It used to be a comfort to me, to feel the white gold band that was always there.  It meant so much to me - I am loved, and I love someone; I have committed myself to share life's paths with someone forever; I have a permanent partner to help me, and for me to help; I have found someone whose happiness is equally or more important to me than my own; I have accepted this person for everything and everyone he is and still, I want to be with him.  The ring meant you.  You.


Now there is an indentation, no longer a ring - a ditch to hold the tears I keep trying not to shed. My hand feels naked, exposed, vulnerable, and in constant danger.  I have no idea what danger I could face simply by removing that ring - it seems impossible that such a simple action can cause such turmoil within me.


I could say that it is because I fear having to stand on my own again, but truthfully, I have mostly stood on my own ever since our world was flipped upside down and inside out.  We had moments  when we were strong together, when our support for each other was clear and strong.  But mostly, I dealt with all my own problems without your help, and you consistently tried to keep me uninvolved in any issues you had.  And I had to fight for any time with you, even when I tried to meet you halfway.


I know I will survive this.  I have survived it before. I do not want to have to survive it again after this - ever.

It is downright exhausting, how hard I have to work to keep from thinking of you constantly; to keep from sending you texts and emails about how I'm thinking of you and missing you.  You should be flattered - but I won't be telling you about it.  

Stregnth

Never assume that because a person appears to be strong, it is not necessary to say things like, "I love you," "You are vital to my existence," "I want to be with you until we are old and frail." Chances are, the person who appears to be so strong is like that because of having lived without those words for far too long. 

It was my decision to leave.  So, why is it that all my attempts to keep myself busy so that I won't keep thinking about you seem to have exactly the opposite effect?  


Sigh.  

Hungry?

The franchise that owns the Subway where I'm currently working allows employees to eat free food during their shift (within certain limits).  So I have been eating a lot of Subway lately.  Since I've had the chance to do a bit of experimentation, I thought I'd list some of my current faves.  These are all on 6-inch, and I usually just pick a bread flavor that already has a 6-inch cut.  If there isn't one, then I go with my mood and the sandwich I'm selecting.  So the bread recommendation here is what I would pick if I weren't being lazy.  :-)  

Meatball Marinara - Italian (white) or Italian Herb and Cheese or Parmigiana Oregano.
Meatballs (duh), light sauce, usually Mozzarella or shredded Cheddar/Monterey Jack. Toast it, then add spinach leaves, tomato, green pepper and depending on mood, jalapeno peppers.  Sprinkle with salt, pepper, oregano and parmigiana.  (Depending on my mood, I may have this one with just the sauce and spices.)

BLT - Any bread is good with this.  If I'm feeling really reckless, I pay for double meat. Usually, I get either Pepper Jack cheese or Provolone. Toast it, then add spinach, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, green pepper, pickle, banana pepper, sweet pepper and jalapeno pepper.  Add just one line each of light mayo and yellow mustard, then a fair amount of oil and vinegar.  Sprinkle with salt, pepper, oregano and parmigiana.

Steak and Cheese (not the Philly - too much meat all at once). Italian or Italian Herb and Cheese bread and usually Provolone cheese. Toast it a few seconds extra, then add light mayo, oil and vinegar (on the meat side). Then sprinkle with salt, pepper, oregano, and parmigiana.

Buffalo Chicken (I occasionally get this one as a salad instead.) I like this almost exclusively on Italian with Pepper Jack cheese.  Toast it a few seconds extra, then add a little ranch dressing, banana peppers and jalapeno peppers. If having it as a salad, use spinach, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, banana peppers and jalapeno peppers.

Smart Car Nose Hair

Many of my friends are well aware that I think the Smart Car looks like a nose without a face. So you can imagine my reaction today when I was leaving the Walmart parking lot and saw the car next to me - a Smart Car on which the owner had installed a set of eyelashes over the headlights. If the car looks like a nose without a face, the eyelashes automatically translated in my mind to nose hair sticking out of the nostrils. That's some serious nose hair.

Night Light

It was my turn to close last night, and when I came home I had one of those moments. When I got out of the car and looked at the sky, I felt such a wonderful peace. And the night sounds reflected that peace - the occasional chirrup of a sleeping bird, frogs and crickets. Just the big moonlit and starlit sky and a few fireflies in the trees. I felt like I could actually breathe peace. I really needed that. It was the closest I've been (internally) to how I always felt on the Cape in a long, long time.

I went to visit Mr. Bond this morning.  He had a visitor during the night.  I love how the hoof print places a perfect heart shape right at the base of the marker.  (I plan to decorate the marker; I just haven't had the time yet.)

RIP, Mr.Bond, my cuddly little danger cat. I love you. Binks is looking for you - be sure to visit us from time to time.

You

It is too long that I have been too far away from you. I miss everything about being close to you. I miss watching a movie and having to protect my popcorn from you. I miss whispered conversations at 3 a.m. I miss the thought that I might look up from whatever I'm doing and see you there, looking at me. I miss walking in the Enchanted Forest with you, or on the beach at the Cape. Speaking about deep subjects and laughing at our silliness. I miss your kisses and your hugs, and just sitting quietly with you, each absorbed in our own business. 


I need you.  I need your comfort, your craziness, your sideways logic, your humor. 


I miss you.  I need you.  I love you. 


You. You. You. 

What I need is not help in finding reasons to trust (or to not trust) my husband.  I need help in finding enough faith in his love for me, that I do not need to trust him.  

Hush, Hush, the Quiet House

I was actually looking for a quote from a poem or literary work.  I'm sure I've seen it somewhere: "Hush, hush, the quiet mouse."  But, alas, when I searched the almighty Google this morning, all I found was a Lil Wayne song and lyrics from the Peter Pan soundtrack (not sure which one).  I'll try Bing and some other search engines later if I have time. 


My point this morning isn't about the quote, though. My point is about the hush.  It's a little after 4 a.m. and I'm the only one moving around in the house.  I was observing (once I had a 1/2 cup of coffee added to my brain cells) that the quiet here in Gloucester is actually the most complete quiet among which I've ever lived.  Even more than the Cape.


Everywhere I've lived, there has always been some kind of random noise that would come through during the night.  Where I grew up in Newport News, I could hear cars on our street at any time of night; and there was a train track at the end of our street which I could hear pretty often. During my first marriage I lived in Hampton in a sprawling neighborhood with a wide range of people and lifestyles, so there was always car noise, barking dogs, etc. Even on Cape Canaveral, there was noise at night, though I have to admit it was much more peaceful than all the other places.  Maybe because the noise there was the Atlantic Ocean and the sound of breezes blowing in the palm and oak trees - and sometimes the (crowing?) of peacocks.  Just so you know, the voice of a peacock is nowhere near as attractive as its lovely plumes.  


I love quiet.  I love it as much as I love music. I can deeply appreciate the lack of blaring, blasting, screaming, blabbering noise makers like the TV, though I am still pretty quick to turn it on as background noise while I'm doing something mindless like housework. But when I want peace, it's either soft and soothing music or just plain, simple quiet.  


And now it's time to refill my coffee and get ready for work.  My advice to the world, take time out for quiet. It does your soul a world of good. 

Missing My Baby

The Righteous Brothers voiced my current sentiments perfectly in the song Unchained Melody.  I am missing Yaw to the point of distraction at the moment.  [Not wanting to step too deeply into copyright infringement, I'm only including the lyrics that most closely match how I feel right now.  (Oh, wait.  That's the whole song.)]


Oh my love my darling
I've hungered for your touch
A long lonely time
And time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_righteous_brothers/unchained_melody.html ]
Lonely rivers flow to the sea to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh wait for me wait for me
I'll be coming home wait for me

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_righteous_brothers/#share

Random Thoughts for Today

I don't really like having the TV on during dinner.  Music would be fine, though. 


Aging parents and toddlers can be very similar sometimes.  Except the parents usually apologize (eventually) without coercion. (And coercion, as it turns out, isn't spelled anywhere near the way I thought it should be spelled.)


It is possible (although most likely with help from a miracle) to have a car door slam on a human hand without breaking anything, including wedding and anniversary rings.  Whew!


If a list of things to do is made without clearing it with everyone else in the house, chances are it won't get done - any of it.  And sometimes, even if you think you're in the clear, your plans will be changed for you at random.  


Doctor's appointments take up way too much bloody time.  Um, figurative bloody.  Or literal I guess, depending on what the appointment's about.  


It's a good thing Ann and I have similar tastes in movie/TV entertainment. 


Bizzlewaddle.  (Hey, I said random and I meant it.)

Moments in Life with the 'rents

Dad (when Ann and I were cooking dinner): Cook my cube steak well done!  I don't like raw meat.


Dad (discussing his attempt to eat the leftover cube steak):  I tried, but I just couldn't eat it - it was tough!


Mom (looking at my dish of sweet and sour chicken): Rule of the house - Mom gets a bite.  I don't want that bite; it has sauce on it.


Mom (as she eats the last piece of candy in the jar): I don't know where all this candy keeps disappearing to.


Dad: You sure were out late last night. (Ann and I got home at 10:30.)





Sigh.  Of course, now I sigh about these things because I just have to live them.  But I know that, all too soon, I will remember these moments and sigh for how much I miss them both.

Virginia

Moved back up to VA for a while.  Ann came down to help me cart my stuff up with me.  She drove her car, I drove mine.  We left Orlando around 4 p.m. on Saturday, driving in rain from South Carolina to Virginia, changing to snow when we hit Emporia, and finally arrived in Gloucester around 11 a.m. Sunday. 

Quotes from the road:
Ann to me: You have to pee again?

Ann to me (later): Yep, I have a big one.
Me: I have bladder envy.

Ann to me: We're going to be driving in snow.
Me: Yay, it's an adventure! You know what an adventure is, don't you? An adventure is the same thing you called a giant f$%^ing pain in the arse while it was happening.

Me to myself: Never EVER get coffee there again. EVER.

On Long Journeys

Expect delays. 
Expect boredom.  
Expect fatigue.  
Expect a warm welcome at the end of the journey.  
Do your best to enjoy the part between the beginning and the end. 

On the Cape, Seeking Serenity

Waves

Sunlight reflecting

Angry seagull - Why didn't you bring food? 

Distant ships 

Fishers, bikes, walkers 

Peacocks in the trees, streets 

Sand 

Peace 

Air 

Breathe

So Much

So much is going on, I'm not sure where to begin.  I will tell you now that my emotions are torn in many directions at once, and I am writing my thoughts here for my own therapy; though if you really wish to read them, that's fine with me.  Comments are not necessary - in spite of how I feel, I do still believe that everything will all work out in the end. For now, allow me some melodrama so I can get it out of my system. 


In general, it seems that my spirit is that of a great sailing ship, one on which I could forge my way through the toughest seas on the worst of days, and choose my own course and destination.  However, the life that my spirit is living keeps making me feel more like a fallen leaf, rushing through white water rapids without benefit of rudder or oars, or even a compass or map.  If only I could either find the strength and tools with which to make my way, or a way to be content floating haphazard according to the whims of unseen forces. Ah well; if not in this life, perhaps in the next. 


Dad has improved tremendously.  For that I am relieved, grateful, even joyful.  While I was assured his life was never really in danger as long as he was receiving medical care, his own response to his situation worried me and I could not help but have a small nagging doubt that I continually had to push away. He was very ill - bronchitis, cellulitis, a UTI, and his legs were swelled up like grotesquely overfilled sausages.  He was in agony and he was helpless - and he was heavily drugged.  When I saw him in that state, it was truly disconcerting to me.  I have always viewed him as the conglomeration of every character the legendary John Wayne ever played - tough and stubborn and loving - a force to be reckoned with.  When I witnessed his hallucinations from the opium, and I heard him crying out in pain; at those moments I would have offered my own life to save his if common sense didn't prevail.  Fortunately, I was very well aware that giving up my life would have been an ill gift for him and for the whole family.  I have more to say on that later.  But for now, I will say again that I am grateful and relieved to see him moved to rehab and making great progress in regaining the use of his feet and legs.  


I am currently facing (more) financial hardship - first due to lost hours at work because of the vertigo relapse, then the fact that I had only worked a 4.5 hour shift for this most recent paycheck.  I have been feeling very frustrated by this situation and by feeling like I don't dare to increase my hours yet. At the same time, I have lived with January and Giles for over a year, when I was supposed to have achieved my massage license and traveled to Ghana with Yaw by Christmas of 2010.  However, a wonderful surprise awaited me with that paycheck - I received a week of vacation pay, which greatly reduced that financial burden.  Again,  I am relieved and grateful.  I still have to make some arrangements with my car loan, but it ins't nearly as bad as it was going to be. And as for massage, I do have that license now, and thanks to help from my parents, I am on the way to opening my own business. The first steps have been taken: from here, it's only a matter of time and effort. Like my father before me, I am amazingly stubborn. 


Wonderful news came yesterday - January's daughter, Clara Rose was born!  She is beautiful (of course) and has pipes to beat the band (my genes).  There was concern that her respiration wasn't up to par by a certain time, so procedure called for her to go to NICU, but it is for observation to make sure she progresses as expected.  She is expected to be released after about 48 hours. Seeing as how she's a couple of weeks early, a little extra caution is not unwarranted, though it's causing January and Giles some stress to be unable to bring her home.  Again, common sense has prevailed, and in spite of a strong parental desire to stay super-glued to Clara's side, they both came home this morning and rested while I was at work, and returned to the hospital as soon as I got home. 


So before you go thinking that I entertained even a moment of suicidal tendencies, I would like to expand on my comments above about offering my life to save my father.  Truly, if I knew his life were in danger, and that it wouldn't cause a horrendous burden on my family, I would be willing to save him that way.  But he would not have thanked me for it.  Seeing the grief that I can only guess at and cannot truly comprehend that my friend has lived through after the loss of her daughter, I could never wish that pain on my father and mother.  And it would burden him more to know that it was done to save him.  My husband who loves me, and my sister to whom I am a best friend would feel as if I had deserted them.  My niece and her family, along with the emotional pain, would be burdened with funeral arrangements and deciding what to do with all my stuff in their home.  And someone would have to do something about my debts.  (I think they'd rather keep the burden of having me in the house with them - aside from the familial love, I do give them help with Nixon and the housekeeping.) And my best friend, Mara, would be certain that I had forgotten that we are not actually Thelma and Louise, and that even if we were those two characters, they drove off the cliff together. It would be a terrible breach of etiquette if Louise drove off the cliff alone. Yes, Mara, that means you're Thelma.  :-) 


Why on earth would I go away and leave all these wonderful people to deal with the loss of someone they love?  No.  As I said, it wasn't a suicidal tendency that drove that thought - it was love of my father, and wanting to neither see him suffer, nor to lose him.  There has only been one other occasion in my life where I felt that way - when I lost my baby, conceived  barely days prior, and only a dream to tell me in advance that she was there (I always thought of the baby as a she).  In the hospital, when they told me I was pregnant and she might be in the wrong place inside me (an ectopic pregnancy), I would have gladly given my life up if they could have found a way to put her in the right place and get her all the way to full term.  I was inconsolable and unfairly angry when I woke from exploratory surgery to find that they had taken her, and it took me a while to forgive David, who had the horrible duty to make the decision to let them do it. But in the end he was right, of course.  Save the mother because there's a chance she could have a baby later.  Except I never did.  Again, I have to say - if not in this life, perhaps in the next.  But I am in no hurry to get to that next life with so much loving family and so much beauty in this world.  I do still want to absorb as much as I can for as long as I can.  


I can't even think up a list of songs to put as a soundtrack to play behind this.  Even my usual, musically emotional train wreck playlist is inadequate to keep up with the twists and turns and sudden jolts that comprise my current emotional state.  It's not PMS, believe me.  It's just that there's been so much turmoil (both good and frightful) in such a very short time frame, that I don't feel like I've had the chance to breath out from one high emotion before the next one is on me. It will pass, I know.  Things will settle down.  My vertigo is all but gone, and I just have the afternoon fatigue to get past, so I will be able to work more.  My business is almost to the fledgling stages and will start to grow soon.  Yaw is still with me, and we take up every opportunity to spend time together. My family is alive, and if not completely well, they are improving every day.  I just need to keep breathing. As long as I do that, everything will work out. 

Careful...

I really need to be more careful about how I state my desires and intentions.  The universe keeps taking my words and fulfilling them in undesirable ways because I forget to add a positive spin to my statements.  

Example: I have been missing my VA family terribly recently, partly because it's the holiday season and partly because it's just been too damn long since I've seen them all.  January and I were discussing possible plans to visit everyone in March, once Clara is born and has "aged" a little.  I mentioned that I intended to get there sooner than that if I could make it happen.  

Well, I'm here now.  Yep, January 1, 2012. I got here Friday (2 days ago) on a flight January and Giles paid for so I could be here with my Dad, who was in ICU at the time, and help take some of the burden off my sister, Ann, who has been handling everything to the best of her abilities. Dad has bronchitis, a UTI, and cellulitis.  His legs were apparently improved from the level of swelling when he checked in, but were still looking pretty bad.  He was also finally starting to cough up the green mucous from his lungs.

When I got here, the medical staff had changed Dad's pain medication.  They had him on morphine, but that apparently makes him evil - imagine John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn on one of his less sociable days.  So they switched him to opium.  Opium.  When I got here, Dad was never really lucid even when he responded to questions with semi-sensible answers.  He was hallucinating, partly due to the opium, but also due to the infections running through his body and severe pain in his legs and along his right side.  At any given moment he might be saying a perfectly normal sentence and suddenly start speaking to the smiley faces on the ceiling.  He made several comments that made us think he was reliving war time in Korea or Vietnam.  Not the kinds of things we would like for him to be reliving while doped up out of his mind.  

But the good news is, he is now out of the ICU.  He's been moved to the cardiology section because the doctors feel the swelling in his legs is possibly due to a heart issue.  They've ordered an ECHO, but since this is New Year's Day (on a Sunday), we're not sure if it will happen on Monday or Tuesday.  Either way, he'll be in the hospital until the results are back from that.  Then there's a strong possibility of him spending time in rehab since he can't put weight on his feet and legs.  

So, I'm here, but I really wish it was for happier reasons - like showing off January's new baby girl - which was going to happen in March, and they were going to bring me along.  And if I'd just been patient...  

I know.  I don't control what happens to others, and it's not about me.  But I still feel bad that it had to happen this way, so here's how I'm going to close this. 

I want my Dad to be happy and healthy and back in his own home with happy and healthy family around him. 

I love you, Dad.