A Mother's Grief Made Worse by Facebook

On behalf of a good friend, I am posting a link to her blog. If you lose or have lost a loved one who has a facebook page, please read the following blog and the comments from other readers prior to deciding to memorialize that page.

http://katylynnsays.blogspot.com/2010/10/facebook-stole-my-daughters-words.html

Thank you.

Intention

I left the house this morning with a few stops planned, and positive intentions for the activities I'd planned for those stops.

Of the series of stops, only one was successful - partially. It seems even if you have set a strong, positive intention, the universe's intention will override yours and you're stuck with it.

I'll try the blocked intentions again on Monday. Maybe the universe just didn't want me to accomplish those things today.

Dumb Me

Tonight I was being a selfish idiot, and now that I realize this, I will suck it up and take advantage of another set of life's crazy hidden gifts.

Yaw and I have moved, not so much by choice as by the puppet strings of the Universe - the narrator behind the scenes is whispering "Hey - that's not where you're supposed to be. Over there - go over there." So the puppetteer moves us over to somewhere else. I don't mind that very much; it's all part of the adventure.

I mind being tired. I am mentally and physically exhausted by all that has happened recently, and by the work that I know remains. In order to keep pace, I have had to push my limits beyond what my illness has allowed. Add to that a brief visit yesterday with my best friend and her husband - a visit to the beach that didn't turn out as planned and ended up at a pub in town; a surprise invite to my niece's wedding today and an afternoon and evening spent with her and most of my sister's family; and a surprise phone call from my cousin who lives 6 hours away stating she'll be in my area tomorrow and wants to have dinner.

What I'm being an idiot about is this. When I came into the house tonight, the first words out of my mouth were terribly negative. Rather than focusing on the fact that I have all these amazing people wanting to spend time with me while they can, all I could say is "Why are you all doing this NOW?" How amazingly shelfish and unappreciative! How can I be such a bloody idiot? I should be jumping for joy at the chance to see them - especially since it is so rare I get to spend time with any of them at all. How can I be so selfish as to say that they shouldn't all want to see me at once?

I'm just dumb sometimes. Really. Really. Dumb.

Dispelling the Dreams

I know the Lorazepam affects my dreams. They were always crazy from time to time, but not so regularly crazy as they’ve been since I’ve been on this medication. Dreams are very important to me, though; especially certain kinds of dreams that have always had meaning that corresponded to my waking life.

What is surprising to me is that I have not had one of my infamous tornado dreams. I have come to realize that in my dreams a tornado symbolizes massive change in my life that will take me out of my comfort zone. Well, if this isn’t one of those times, I’m a little leery to think about the next time I have a tornado dream. I am most definitely stepping outside my comfort zone right now.

Dreams I’ve had lately have been along the lines of things that I like turning into things I fear (a hand full of kittens turned into a handful of biting spiders), or quests being constantly sabotaged by persons I’m supposed to trust.

Last night I had a combination quest/house dream. I interpret houses as the spiritual center in my dreams. Usually I am in my own house looking for answers to something within myself. Sometimes I am in someone else’s house, seeking a way to make peace with them. The house I was in last night was neither mine, nor one of someone I knew. It was clearly a house that had once been proud and beautiful, but that had undergone some destructive event that left walls half fallen and holes in the ceiling that looked out on grey-clouded skies. The light within the house was neither warm nor welcoming. The staff within were bedraggled, but still attempted to put on the show of being top-notch at their duties. The place seemed depressed and attempted to draw me into its lethargy.

I don’t know why I was in this particular house, but it was in some way necessary for me to be there while I prepared for an important event in my life. In the dream, the event was an Ed Sullivan-era TV show where was I supposed to do something – not sure if it was specifically a singing gig or something else. My older sister was there with her two youngest daughters. I thought she was there to help me, but she kept doing things that delayed me or caused havoc that threatened to ruin my appearance. I believe something was done to cause an irreparable wrinkle on my very delicate skirt. A wall outlet powering all my hair implements was turned off while I was in the middle of curling my hair. Being busy with the task, I didn’t notice until I realized the curling irons were not hot. I was due on the set in seconds.

The thing with these dreams is that I haven’t been able to work out a way to remember the outcome or solution when I wake. I’ve been able identify them as dreams while they are in process, and sometimes move parts of them in a more favorable direction. Last night, I think I was beginning to move them to my advantage, but my memory of the dream cuts off before the resolution comes out. I do not remember getting on the stage, only standing ready in the wings while being announced. I am spending this morning building the ending of the dream so that it will hopefully help shape the outcome of whatever event it is foretelling.

To dispel the fear, discomfort, anger, lethargy, and other negative energies, I am envisioning the curling irons working properly without the use of electricity, but with my own will to power them. My hair is flat where I want it flat, and curled where I want it curled. My skirt is turned to the side where the wrinkle is not visible – the skirt is of a style where the front, back and sides are not obvious. I am standing confidently while “Ed” announces the young woman whose music has filled the nation’s heart with love and peace. Before I step out I speak a prayer to the universe, to my ancestors, and my guides to aid my goal of healing the negative energy. As I enter the stage, the crowd is hushed, not knowing what to expect. When the music starts, and I begin to sing, I breathe out not notes, but chords of peace, beauty and love, sharing them with all the crowd, all the nation, and all the world. I let the positive energies spread and strengthen until the whole planet is paused in peace and joy. And when I finish the crowd is still silent, lost in the peace they feel for just a little longer.

And as it happens with healing energy, the peace brought to others is also present within me, making my passage through this time away from my comfort zone a little more bearable. Let it be so.