I still am not dealing well with not having the wedding band on my finger. It seems so silly to be so hung up on this.

Elephants

Having always subscribed to the idea that one can eat an entire elephant one bite at a time, I have decided that my current list of elephants is large in both number and size. So, I need more mouths, all of which need to be larger than my current one. Having decided this, I will now take a nap. Good afternoon.

Mistake

Last night I felt very weak emotionally.  I remember you saying that you think I am so strong.  Last night I was not that person at all.  Today I am not much better.  In fact, I may be much worse.

But before bed last night, I missed you so much, my hand felt so naked, I took my wedding band out of its box and put it back on my finger. There it was, the simple, beautiful band of white gold, back where it belonged on my ring finger.  It felt so right. I wanted you back in my life so much.

I know that won't work though.  It never did, no matter how much I wanted it to, and it's never going to.  It was a mistake to put it on.  It wasn't a mistake to love you - that's never a mistake, and I don't regret it. But I can't have it. I can't have you - not the way I want.

So, today I am feeling very weepy and sad, and trying to come up with things to keep myself busy; to distract me from the nakedness on my hand, the big hole in the middle of my soul. There is no sun out today, which isn't helping at all.  And I'm not helped at all by the fact that I am steadily working on planning and paying for the trip down to get the rest of my stuff - where I am supposed to see you again.  Something I want, but not in this way.

Sigh.  Moving on should be so easy at this point.  It's been so long since everything fell apart, you'd think I'd already be done and over this.  It will come, I know.  Here I go, telling myself as always, to just keep breathing. Today, it doesn't feel like quite enough.

Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogelberg

I'm not sure exactly why, but I feel like at least part of this song fits me very well right now.  


Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogelberg
Met my old lover in the grocery store 
The snow was falling Christmas Eve 
I stole behind her in the frozen foods 
And I touched her on the sleeve 

She didn't recognize the face at first 
But then her eyes flew open wide 
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse 
And we laughed until we cried 

We took her groceries to the checkout stand 
The food was totalled up and bagged 
We stood there lost in our embarrassment 
As the conversation dragged 

We went to have ourselves a drink or two 
But couldn't find an open bar 
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store 
And we drank it in her car 

We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now 
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness but neither one knew how 

She said she'd married her an architect 
Who kept her warm and safe and dry 
She would have liked to say she loved the man 
But she didn't like to lie 

I said the years had been a friend to her 
And that her eyes were still as blue 
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I saw doubt or gratitude 
She said she saw me in the record stores 
And that I must be doing well 
I said the audience was heavenly but the traveling was hell 

We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now 
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness but neither one knew how 
We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to time 
Reliving in our eloquence, another 'auld lang syne' 

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired 
And running out of things to say 
She gave a kiss to me as I got out and I watched her drive away 
Just for a moment I was back at school 
And felt that old familiar pain 
And as I turned to make my way back home 
The snow turned in to rain... 

Grave Stone for My Boys

I finally got this painted around the end of July and put out there between the graves for Mr. Bond and Binks. It took a while to finish it once I started because the loss of them became so overwhelmingly real that I couldn't get a brush stroke in without stopping to cry for a minute. 

I chose the black and white coloring because both cats were mostly black with white.  Mr. Bond was a tuxedo, and Binks was black everywhere except for a heart shaped spot on his underbelly, and a tiny spot on his throat. 

I miss them every day.  They were my babies.  My little fur bellies.  My Tiny Panther and my Danger Cat. Even with all the other cats around me, nothing fills this hole in my heart. 

Matter

Feeling some aggravation today about how little I matter.  I don't even matter enough for you to make time to get me out of your life? Come on, now.