Mistake

Last night I felt very weak emotionally.  I remember you saying that you think I am so strong.  Last night I was not that person at all.  Today I am not much better.  In fact, I may be much worse.

But before bed last night, I missed you so much, my hand felt so naked, I took my wedding band out of its box and put it back on my finger. There it was, the simple, beautiful band of white gold, back where it belonged on my ring finger.  It felt so right. I wanted you back in my life so much.

I know that won't work though.  It never did, no matter how much I wanted it to, and it's never going to.  It was a mistake to put it on.  It wasn't a mistake to love you - that's never a mistake, and I don't regret it. But I can't have it. I can't have you - not the way I want.

So, today I am feeling very weepy and sad, and trying to come up with things to keep myself busy; to distract me from the nakedness on my hand, the big hole in the middle of my soul. There is no sun out today, which isn't helping at all.  And I'm not helped at all by the fact that I am steadily working on planning and paying for the trip down to get the rest of my stuff - where I am supposed to see you again.  Something I want, but not in this way.

Sigh.  Moving on should be so easy at this point.  It's been so long since everything fell apart, you'd think I'd already be done and over this.  It will come, I know.  Here I go, telling myself as always, to just keep breathing. Today, it doesn't feel like quite enough.