Yes!

Today, I gave myself a choice. I decided to walk again - first time since we came back from VA and NC. During my visit with Mara, she and I took a long stroll with Luna, her dog. By long, I mean 1 mile. Not so long in terms of my hasher friends, but twice as long as what I've been achieving at home. On a hilly road, even.

So the choice I gave myself this morning was: 1) walk my normal route twice, which would equal one mile; or 2) walk my normal route once but at twice the speed.

I took the second option. Twice the speed, mind you, is still much too slow to keep up with the slowest of my Hashing friends, but is still quite enough to get my heart pumping and my lungs working harder.

I felt so exhilarated! And sweaty. But sweaty is good. I don't like being sweaty, as I've stated before, but I do understand the need to sweat, and the valuable purpose sweating serves for our bodies. I'm also pretty quick to shower it off after I've finished doing whatever caused me to sweat. (Side note: I accidentally typed "swear" just now, which sweating can sometimes cause me to do.)

So my whole point with this morning's ramble is that I feel like I've made a great accomplishment today. This, along with starting a slow ween off of my vertigo meds, is my way of fighting back at all the crap that is trying to prevent me from living a normal life. I am DONE with sitting around with my head spinning, telling my friends and family, "No I can't do that because I'm dizzy," and feeling more and more angry and depressed about it all.

There are way too many things causing me to choose a less active lifestyle right now for me to let this bloody head of mine add one more thing to the mix. If I can lick this, then I can work on the other things, and finally be myself again!

GO ME!

Home from VA. Exhausted. Dizzy. Tried to go to bed, but now that I'm here, I can't get to sleep. The apartment is too empty without Binks and Mr. Bond in it.

Too silent.

Even the noises from the elephant people upstairs don't fill the silence quite right.

I know they are safe, but my heart is broken. I have given away my children again.

It is better to tell me the real reason you are doing something than to try blowing smoke up my rear with a bunch of nonsense that you know I will see through.

I am not an idiot.

3:45 a.m.

Reading friends' blogs, thinking about other friends who used to blog, thinking about painting my nails... nah... thinking about the chocolate chip cookies I made with only 1/2 the ingredients... yeah, I should eat another one...

Thinking about life and its crazy-mad way of fulfilling your wishes in such unexpected ways. "They" always say to be careful what you wish for. Whoever "they" are, "they" might be on to something.

There are large transformations going on throughout the world right now, and I'm only one of the billions of people feeling it. Most aren't aware that it's a worldwide, and even Universal, transformation. Many aren't even aware that they themselves are in transformation. Some of those might not even realize they have transformed after it's complete. My ex-husband used to say that he often wished he could be fat, dumb, and happy. At the time, he was none of those. I hope that if he is going through transformation as well, that he at least gets the happy part right.

Mr. Bond is sleeping at my feet, watching me spin in the chair and type at the same time - because it's not enough that being on the computer still makes me dizzy after a while; I now have a chair that spins nicely, so I can make myself dizzy using two methods at once. I'm a genius!

Bond snores; sometimes very softly like right now, and other times with amazing volume that reminds me of my Dad. The soft snoring is very soothing to me, almost as soothing as when he purrs. Apparently, it's still not enough to put me back to sleep.

It's now 4:01 a.m. I have eaten my cookie and drunk my glass of milk. I am debating a second helping of each, but don't want to be gluttonous. Spinning in my chair a little further, I realize Binks has curled himself up just behind my chair. He does not snore as far as I know. When he purrs, it is a powerful rumble. He is my tiny panther in more ways than one - but not in bravery. There, he's more like a huge rat scurrying into dark corners whenever something might be threatening.

My cats. My babies. How can I give them up? It breaks my heart every time I think about it. You'd think I had really given birth to them. At least they're going to family, and not some horrible shelter. I could never forgive myself for that.

I should try to sleep - I do feel tired - but my brain won't shut up. Usually, meditation will take me back down, but tonight, that wouldn't come to me either. I'll try to read a few pages, and hope to fall asleep, waking at 6 with the book on my chest or in my armpit, and my reading glasses dangling off the side of my face.

Everything will work itself out somehow. I know that. It always does. But I have always hated the part in the middle - the part between learning that a change has happened, is happening, or is going to happen; and getting to the other side of the change when everything settles back down again. The adventure part of it - I love that. The part I don't love is the mundane crap that has to be handled to make the adventure part happen. Just give me the discovery, the adventure, and the end. Let someone else handle the mundane crap for once.

It's now 4:18 and I think I'll try that reading thing again.