If you want me to stay, you will have to prove it.  You will have to fight to keep me this time, not the other way around.  I have fought enough battles to keep you at my side, and have never left yours until now.  

If you want me, fight for me.

Speaking of Truth

In truth, am I really any different?  Any more honest or truthful with you or with myself?  

Can I honestly say that my requests or demands are any less self serving than your refusal to agree to them? 

I say that I cannot live with the lies, the lack of commitment, the lack of attention, or of support.  

Have I given you the same things I asked of you?  Have I actually earned these things that I claim I deserve?

I don't know.  I don't know if I can live with you, and I don't know if I can live without you.  

I am completely at odds with you and with myself.  And the chaos in my life is no less than it was when we were together.  I was sure if I let you go, that the chaos would recede.  

I try to let go the control, and find it clinging desperately to my spirit like a dog with separation anxiety. 

And I just don't know what to do about it. 

True Words

"You can't have me the way you want me, and I can't have you the way I want you.  That's what this is all about."

I actually said those words to you the last time we stood face to face. And they are true, no matter how much we each want them to be false.

And the fact that I have to write them here, and remind myself that they are true, means that I am still not at peace with my own decision.  Maybe that's why everything is still in limbo.

My soul is longing for the secret of the sea,
And the heart of the great ocean sends a pulse through me. 
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow