We all have them. Gut instincts. We think/feel/know something so strongly that our body has a visceral reaction. We sense it in our gut. And nine times out of ten, that gut instinct was 100% correct. We don't always know it until much later, but our guts are almost always right.
I am as guilty as anyone on the planet of ignoring that instinct, or listening to it but denying that it might be true. But what do we do when our gut instincts give us conflicting signals? How do we decide which response to honor? Is there ever a way to honor both sides without being torn apart inside?
My guts told me long ago, when I first met my husband, that I could be hurt. They were correct, of course. They were also correct when they told me that I was deeply connected to him and that even if I tried to walk away, my heart and spirit and mind would all three remain focused on him and the attachment would not weaken with his absence, but would become deeper.
He is in my first thoughts on waking and my last thoughts before sleeping, and often invades my dreams. My mind drifts to him when I am working, when I am imagining ways to help people, when I am deep in conversation with someone about almost any topic.
It sounds as if I am obsessed, but if that is so, it is not an unwelcome obsession. His behavior when we interact, either electronically or in the same room together, tells me he welcomes my presence, my thoughts and my insights. So do the requests I get from him, asking my thoughts on his latest website creation, or a new technique he is developing.
Though we are very different people, and are living very different lives right now, we are able to communicate on whatever level is necessary at the moment. And for the most part, we agree with each other. We have differences, though, and some of them are big - phenomenally big - which is where the hurting happens. I may hurt him, as well, but if that is the case he never expresses it.
The thing is, we each know that the other might get hurt, and we hope it won't be the case, but we each have to be the person that we are, and that is just what happens sometimes. So, guts, what do you do when you know that staying is going to cause you to continue to be hurt, but you also know that you do not want to leave and probably couldn't if you did? What do you do?
You write silly, meandering blogs addressed to your really smart guts that won't give you a clear, definitive answer. And you stay. Yaw Agyei Tutu, you are my husband, and at least until my guts stop dragging me in conflicting directions, I will stay. Those other people will just have to deal with that.
