Where The Ring Used To Be

Where the ring used to be, there is an indentation in my finger.  Not a tan line - I clearly haven't had much sun.  But there is a clear indentation all the way around my finger that shows that there used to be a ring there.


It used to be a comfort to me, to feel the white gold band that was always there.  It meant so much to me - I am loved, and I love someone; I have committed myself to share life's paths with someone forever; I have a permanent partner to help me, and for me to help; I have found someone whose happiness is equally or more important to me than my own; I have accepted this person for everything and everyone he is and still, I want to be with him.  The ring meant you.  You.


Now there is an indentation, no longer a ring - a ditch to hold the tears I keep trying not to shed. My hand feels naked, exposed, vulnerable, and in constant danger.  I have no idea what danger I could face simply by removing that ring - it seems impossible that such a simple action can cause such turmoil within me.


I could say that it is because I fear having to stand on my own again, but truthfully, I have mostly stood on my own ever since our world was flipped upside down and inside out.  We had moments  when we were strong together, when our support for each other was clear and strong.  But mostly, I dealt with all my own problems without your help, and you consistently tried to keep me uninvolved in any issues you had.  And I had to fight for any time with you, even when I tried to meet you halfway.


I know I will survive this.  I have survived it before. I do not want to have to survive it again after this - ever.