Thinking about life and its crazy-mad way of fulfilling your wishes in such unexpected ways. "They" always say to be careful what you wish for. Whoever "they" are, "they" might be on to something.
There are large transformations going on throughout the world right now, and I'm only one of the billions of people feeling it. Most aren't aware that it's a worldwide, and even Universal, transformation. Many aren't even aware that they themselves are in transformation. Some of those might not even realize they have transformed after it's complete. My ex-husband used to say that he often wished he could be fat, dumb, and happy. At the time, he was none of those. I hope that if he is going through transformation as well, that he at least gets the happy part right.
Mr. Bond is sleeping at my feet, watching me spin in the chair and type at the same time - because it's not enough that being on the computer still makes me dizzy after a while; I now have a chair that spins nicely, so I can make myself dizzy using two methods at once. I'm a genius!
Bond snores; sometimes very softly like right now, and other times with amazing volume that reminds me of my Dad. The soft snoring is very soothing to me, almost as soothing as when he purrs. Apparently, it's still not enough to put me back to sleep.
It's now 4:01 a.m. I have eaten my cookie and drunk my glass of milk. I am debating a second helping of each, but don't want to be gluttonous. Spinning in my chair a little further, I realize Binks has curled himself up just behind my chair. He does not snore as far as I know. When he purrs, it is a powerful rumble. He is my tiny panther in more ways than one - but not in bravery. There, he's more like a huge rat scurrying into dark corners whenever something might be threatening.
My cats. My babies. How can I give them up? It breaks my heart every time I think about it. You'd think I had really given birth to them. At least they're going to family, and not some horrible shelter. I could never forgive myself for that.
I should try to sleep - I do feel tired - but my brain won't shut up. Usually, meditation will take me back down, but tonight, that wouldn't come to me either. I'll try to read a few pages, and hope to fall asleep, waking at 6 with the book on my chest or in my armpit, and my reading glasses dangling off the side of my face.
Everything will work itself out somehow. I know that. It always does. But I have always hated the part in the middle - the part between learning that a change has happened, is happening, or is going to happen; and getting to the other side of the change when everything settles back down again. The adventure part of it - I love that. The part I don't love is the mundane crap that has to be handled to make the adventure part happen. Just give me the discovery, the adventure, and the end. Let someone else handle the mundane crap for once.
It's now 4:18 and I think I'll try that reading thing again.
1 comment:
It is perfectly understandable that you can't sleep and how you feel about leaving your cats. What you are doing is extemely scary and you are doing it much more bravely than most of us could. Just getting up and moving half way around the world, leaving so much behind, but with so much to look forward to. Wow. Just wow. Be strong.
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