Why is it that when I find myself unable to sleep at night, and I can't roll over and hold onto Yaw, all the things that come to me are from the dark? Only the negative thoughts and emotions seem to be willing to join me when I lie awake alone at night.
In the day, I can find that positive view that keeps me moving, flowing, doing whatever needs/has to be done. Deep in the night, I feel the darkness press in and make itself more real - and by doing that, it also makes itself more surreal.
I've been awake for about 2 hours now - it's about 4:30. I tried reading for a while, which helped. Then I dozed off and thought, "Great, I can go back to sleep." Well, not exactly. Once the light was off and I was snugged back in the blankets, the thoughts rolled back in to pester and pick at me.
"Go away, " I told them. "I have to rest for my long work day tomorrow." No cooperation - they piled up higher.
"Things aren't that bad," I said to myself. "They only seem like that in the night time. Get some rest."
I reached within myself, looking for the bright shiny light that chases them away. I remembered I used to help DJ when he was small and had visitors in the night that would tease and pinch him. I sought within myself for the power to chase away my own night visitors. They seem to be more stubborn when they're your own visitors.
I thought, "OK, I should think about positive, happy things. That will help." I proceeded to think about my day - it was Christmas yesterday and I got to speak to most of my family and spent time with Yaw and his Godparents, which I enjoyed. Then all I could think of was, "But I didn't get to come home and spend the rest of the day relaxing with Yaw until bedtime, and we're still not living under the same roof. And I didn't have the energy to drive to Melbourne to visit with my friends Katy and Bill, whom I really wished to see. And and and and and..."
Some of this, maybe a lot of it, is cyclic, and will hopefully dissipate once hormones finish their torture on my body and spirit for the month. The cleansing. Should be any time now, so relief may be in sight.
But the thoughts are still here for now, and they don't seem to be stepping aside. In about 30 minutes, my alarm will sound, telling me to take my vertigo medicine. I have to take it really early because I will be either asleep or just loopy for at least 2 hours after I take it. This gives me time to get that out of my system so I can be up and moving in time to get to work by 8:30.
Going to be a long day, too. 8:30 - 5 because very few people were willing to work the day after Christmas and I'm the new kid, so I get hours they won't work. Not that the hours are bad. I used to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week before the vertigo came. But that was in a chair, with a one-hour lunch break, and now I'm on my feet on a cement floor the whole time. My body hasn't quite gotten used to that part. I've mostly adjusted to working through that midday nap crash - with the help of Rhodiola - but my body still gets very abused by being forced to stand up all day. I do what I can to make it easier - take potty breaks and use the opportunity to stretch out muscles and pop my back. When I get home, if I can muster the energy, I fill a hot bath and soak away the aches in my feet and back as much as I can - need to walk over to CVS on one of my breaks and buy some Epsom salts. I really need someone to massage my feet for me - I do a pseudo massage on my feet while I'm soaking, but massage is one of those things best delivered by someone else. I've taught January some of the Thai stretching I learned in Massage school, and that helps too. But it still hurts and takes me the whole night to get beyond it and able to move properly again. And I really feel like that should not be the case.
A friend did a personal reading on me about a month ago. She told me I'm not supposed to be where I am working. I chose the diplomatic "I agree" response over the knee-jerk "No shit" response. She told me to check out some place near here - an intersection with a shopping center. I did - there's a chiropractor with a massage therapist. They were running a special. If I had the money, I would have scheduled the first available appointment right then. I wanted to get a massage because I need one, but I also wanted to get a feel for the place and meet the person. My friend seemed to think the location involved a way to help me get my license sooner. I didn't think just walking in and talking to the person would be the right thing to do. But now I have the location, and I can try to save up for a massage and see what the deal is.
Hmmm... Ten minutes till the medicine alarm. Think I'll take them now and turn that one off. My thoughts feel a little more positive now, so maybe I'll be able to rest a little more tonight.
3 comments:
*sigh* I've only recently been able to start getting past this specific issue myself, Mim. Mine was the result of a horrid ex. It was bad to the point that I couldn't even sleep in my bed anymore, I was going to sleep at night on my couch. Too much of her juju left in my room. Blogging's helped me. A lot, funny enough. That, and her complete and total absence. And for some reason, allowing myself a sense of anger. I think I like it here :-) Mind if I follow on a bit?
Stay as long as you like, Vincent.
You are off center....perhaps it is the vertigo. Once you find your center again, sleep will come. At least that is what I keep telling myself. We were really hoping to see you over Christmas. You are missed.
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