Rob says she sounded like she was in good spirits when he spoke to her yesterday. Jan says she's heard that being there is causing her stress.

I will see for myself in a matter of days, whether she is Queen Rose in audience at the place where she is healing, or if she is tired and scared and just wants to go home again.

It tears me into lots of teeny tiny pieces to know that she has gone through this painful time and I have not been there at her side every second, to comfort her and do everything I can to make the healing go faster.

And I know that it tears up my Father even more that he had to make such a hard decision - to put her in that place so she could heal, and have people right there at hand all the time just in case anything happened.

He's always been so strong, so forceful, in his conviction that he must be the protector and make everything right. Maybe that's where I get it from. I feel I have in some way deserted my family because I have not dropped everything and run up there ages ago. It doesn't matter that they told me I should stay here and keep my plans to be home at birthday/Thanksgiving time. They promised to tell me immediately if things went south and I should come up.

It took every grain of self control I had to not ditch the rent payment and fly up after her hip broke. Even more self restraint was required when I heard she was feeling unhappy there.

This is the woman who held me when I cried for absolutely no reason as a teenager; who, when I was separated and feeling so insane and unstable, sat on the floor of my room beside me in spite of the pain it caused her to sit there, and rocked me in her embrace until the sobbing subsided and I could breathe again. When I was losing my baby, she was there, at my side, crying too, but giving me all the strength I needed to get through each moment. This is the woman who sat through each concert or play that I performed and made sure I had the most beautiful gown, who supported me the entire way.

How in the world can I sit here one second more knowing she might need that same support from me? I tried calling her, but must always be timing it wrong. I know she has Dad's phone, but I don't think she can check the messages. I just want her to hear my words; to know I'm with her, that the miles between us mean nothing.

I can't wait to see her. My Mother. Queen Rose.